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Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

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Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

In speaking of terrible puns, someone started putting cases of Mathnet back up on Youtube. They'll probably be taken down in a week, but they had some terrible puns in those shows.
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

FlagDUDE08 said:
In speaking of terrible puns, someone started putting cases of Mathnet back up on Youtube. They'll probably be taken down in a week, but they had some terrible puns in those shows.
Click to expand...

Just Mathnet? That whole show was full of terrible jokes.

That's what you get when the director and head writer are both Michigan grads.
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

There was an art deco diner that was world famous for its eggs Benedict - people would be lined up for blocks to get in for breakfast. In keeping with the art deco theme, all of the chairs, tables, dishes, etc throughout the whole diner were metal - even the floor. One time, an enterprising customer just had to know what was behind the amazing taste, so he worked for more than a year trying to duplicate the recipe. In exasperation, he finally begged the owner to tell him the secret. The owner reviewed all of the man's attempts and finally told him, "It's incredible - you've actually managed to duplicate my recipe exactly! Your only problem is that you're using the wrong dishes - there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

A man visited a new dentist a year after his previous dental exam. The man had a plate in his mouth from an earlier accident and the dentist noticed it had begun to corrode. He asked the patient if it had been a problem before and was told that no, he had the plate in for years and no corrosion before and none just a year ago. The dentist then asked if there had been any changes in his diet that might have caused it. "Well, my wife made Eggs Benedict for me and I really liked the sauce so she started it on a lot of my food." The dentist told him they would have to replace the plate with a chrome one. "Why chrome?"

"Everyone knows there is no plate like chrome for the Hollendaise."
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

Adapted from an ad circular:


What did the hungover Southerner say when a waitress tried to serve him fried chickpeas?

A falafel!
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

A young woman doing a field trip for her anthropology class was travelling through redneck country. She stopped at a local greasy spoon for a meal. Something went down the wrong way, and she started choking. One of the locals went over to her, pulled up her skirt, pulled down her underwear, and ran his tongue along her bottom. She spit the food out right away.

The local turned to his friend and said, "Virgil, I had heard about that hind-lick maneuver, never expected it to work!"
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

12-06-09-pearls-before-swine.gif
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

Those are good, but they were also posted yesterday.
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

Hallmark Cards was in the process of hiring an individual to write ditties for the company. The position was important and drew thousands of applicants. The applicants eventually were narrowed down to two people. One was a Harvard grad and the other was Dumb Schitt (previously was "something" else, but now is not pc). The head of personnel felt the job was very important and would make the hiring decision himself.

The head of personnel called in both applicants one day and sat them down together. He said, both of you are excellent candidates, but we can only hire one individual. Each person will have five minutes to write a ditty about Timbuktu. The person with the better ditty will get the job. The head of personnel then put each candidate in a seperate room and started the clock. After five minutes, time was up and he asked each candidate to read their ditty.

First the Harvard grad read his ditty: "Across the burning desert sands, drove the camel caravans. Dressed in finery two-by-two, on their way to Timbuktu." The head of personnel was impressed with the Harvard grad and said he may have a leg up on the job. Next Dumb Schitt read his ditty: "Tim and me a huntin' went. Found three whores in a tent. Them being three and us being two, I bukked one and Tim bukked two."

Guess who got the job??
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

Once upon a time there was a young man named Benny. Benny loved motorcycles and riding motorcycles, but he was just a so-so rider. Whenever Benny and his friends would go on a ride, Benny was always at the rear of the pack, and he was always the last one to get to the bar at the end of the day. Everyone made fun of Benny, and suggested that he get a Spagthorp. However, this is another story.
One day when Benny was driving his cage (a Volvo of course) he spotted an old rusty Harley on the side of the road in some brush. Benny stopped, and thinking the Harley would make a good restoration project, loaded the bike into the car.

Later that evening when Benny was polishing the tank of the Harley a strange thing happened. A genie rose out of the tank and granted Benny a single wish. Benny thought about it, and finally wished that he could be the greatest motorcycle rider in the world. The genie said, "No problem, but there is a condition." (there always is) The condition was that Benny could never shave as long as he lived. If he did, the genie would return and change Benny into a Grecian Urn. Benny said, "Okay."

The next day Benny didn't feel any different, but when he and his friends went riding, Benny was the fastest rider in the group. Nobody could keep up with him. Even when Benny rode his FatBoy Harley the goofs were left in his dust. Everyone was amazed. Benny got a job riding GP bikes for MotoGuzzi, and never lost a race. He was revered the world over as the greatest motorcycle rider of all time.

However, Benny's beard was growing quite long, and would sometimes get tangled in the chain of his bike. Also, it got in the way of love making, and generally became intolerable. It had been a long time since Benny had seen the genie so he thought, "What the heck. I'll shave." No sooner than Benny had finished shaving, the genie appeared and said, "Benny, I warned you." The genie waved his arms, and after the smoke cleared there sat a Grecian Urn where Benny had been.

The moral of the story is: A Benny shaved is a Benny Urned.
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

Back in the day, Lamont Cranston, aka "The Shadow", was said to love peanut butter nougat candy. In fact, one of the principle responsibilities of his butler Hoy was to ensure that Lamont always had a large supply of his favorite sweet. Over time though, Lamont started to notice that his nougat seemed to be disappearing faster than he was eating it. Suspecting his butler, Cranston comes home unannounced one evening, flings open the door to the kitchen, and sure enough there's his trusted butler Hoy, empty wrapper in hand with melted nougat all over his face. Cranston fixes his butler with a steely gaze and says, "Pardon me Hoy, is that the Shadow's nougat you chew?"
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
 
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