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Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

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Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

A dog walks into a bank, wanting to borrow some money. He meets with his favorite teller, Patricia Black. He explains the situation, and she asks for collateral. He offers up this small unicorn statuette. Patricia isn't sure about it, so she calls her supervisor over. He hears the situation, and says, "That's a knick-knack Patty Black, give the dog a loan."
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

skyraider0609 said:
Quasimodo, the hunch backed bell ringer at the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris, had a problem. The rope he had to pull to ring the bells broke one day leaving him wondering how he was going to perform his duty. Knowing the bells had to ring, in a moment of self sacrifice, Quasimodo climbed to the belfry and at the moment the bells were to strike, he runs headlong across the belfry smashing his face into the side of the bell and the sound of the great cathedral's bell sounds over the city. Dazed, he runs back and flings himself in to the bell over and over again. Quasimodo, now dizzy and bloody, makes one more run at the bell but misses and plunges over the side of the belfry, falling to his death. A horrified crowd gathers around his broken and twisted body, murmuring and pointing. One shaken onlooker asks, "Who is that poor, wretched man?" Someone else answers, "I don't know, but his face does ring a bell."
Click to expand...

Thanks for that. I heard this joke when I was a kid, and always found it hilarious but could never quite remember how it went.
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

So Bill the Crab passes away and goes to heaven. St. Peter issues him his harp and everything is going great. After a while, though, he really starts to miss his friends back in the ocean, so he asks St. Peter if there's any way he could go see them. St. Peter says, "of course - you can go back to earth any time you want. Just be sure not to lose your harp because you can't get back into heaven without it." So Bill goes down to earth and visits his friend Sam the Clam who runs a dance club. They have a great night, partying it up, but finally Bill says he needs to return to heaven. As he nears the pearly gates, though, he slaps himself on the forehead and cries "Oh, no! I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco!"
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

A little boy was out Trick-Or-Treating, dressed as a pirate. At one house, one old lady looked at him and said, "Wow, son, what are you dressed like?"

The boy replied, "I'm dressed as a pirate!".

She then asked "Well, where are your buccaneers?".

He thought for a minuted and answered "Right under my buccan hat!"
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

Two Chinese guys are at the office speaking to each other in Mandarin. A third person walks by and overhears their conversation and says "Ok, that will be enough of that language".
 
gounhwildcats said:
Thanks for that. I heard this joke when I was a kid, and always found it hilarious but could never quite remember how it went.
Click to expand...

To continue the joke, upon seeing the death, Quasimodo's brother rushes up the bell tower to carry on the bell ringing. When he gets to to the top, he slips and falls to his death also.

The townsfolk gather around the brother, confused.
"Who is he?" asked one villager.
"I don't know," replied another, "but he's a dead ringer for Quasimodo."
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

aparch said:
To continue the joke, upon seeing the death, Quasimodo's brother rushes up the bell tower to carry on the bell ringing. When he gets to to the top, he slips and falls to his death also.

The townsfolk gather around the brother, confused.
"Who is he?" asked one villager.
"I don't know," replied another, "but he's a dead ringer for Quasimodo."
Click to expand...

I'll admit laughed out loud!
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

that farmstand is run by a pirate! When I asked how much the corn was, he replied "a buck an ear."
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

We have a neighbor. He is our next window neighbor, because we do not have a door at that end of the house.
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no testicles?
Still no ********** eye deer.
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

for nerds: this is from an old professor in grad school, and I use it at work whenever possible -

q: what's a s0c4? (pronounced sock-for)
a: to keep your feet warm!
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

A guy is facing a firing squad. He asks, "Isn't there another way I could die?" The squad leader answers, "You may either have your head cut off, or be burned at the stake."

You think he'd rather have his head cut off? No. The guy would rather be burned at the stake. Hot steak's better than a cold chop.
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

Roy Rogers rode into town, and after a few brews at the saloon, decided his boots were getting a bit worn out. He went to the tanner's and got himself a new pair...with silver spurs! He settled into the inn and got himself a good night's sleep.

The next morning at breakfast, he'd heard some of the townsfolk talking about a mountain lion that had eaten the town's pets, and even Little Timmy. Knowing this, he decided to hop on Trigger, go up into the mountains, and take care of that mountain lion once and for all.

He rode up, and after a little while, came face-to-face with the mountain lion. He fired all the shots in his rifle and couldn't bring the mountain lion down. With nothing left, he thought he could take it down with the spurs on his boots. He wound up for one good kick, and it took a bite...taking his boot clean off his foot. He threw his other boot in rage, mounted Trigger, and rode back into town.

He strapped on his old boots at the inn, and went to the saloon, and told his tale to the townsfolk. "Whaddya plan to do?" they asked.

"I'm gonna get me that ol' mountain lion," said Roy Rogers. So the King of the Cowboys mounted Trigger once more, rode into the mountains, and wouldn't you know? He got the old mountain lion the second time! He took the mountain lion on his shoulders and rode back into town triumphantly.

As he came back in, one of the townsfolk asked, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
 
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