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A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

None, feminists are so bright they don't need no friggin' lightbulbs.

No, that's the answer for Austrian Economists.

Q. "How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"

A. "That's not funny."
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

A Panda walks into a bar....


Sits down and orders a burger and fries. Finishes his lunch, stands up and pulls out a gun then shoots everyone except the bartender who dives behind the bar. While frantically dialing 911 the bartender yells "what the hell was that all about.". As he's walking out the Panda says "Google me."

While the cops are on the way the bartender does Google Panda and sees:
"Black and white mammal, indigenous to China, eats shoots and leaves."
 
A man is visited by a fairy.

"I will grant you one wish," says the fairy.

The man says "okay. I want to live forever!"

The fairy says "you know I can't do that."

The man thinks about it, and says "okay.. I want to die after the Lions win the Super Bowl!"

"You crafty bastard."
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

Nice.

Living forever is a terrible wish though, as has been explored in several fantasy works. All your mortal friends and family eventually die, and you're alone in the world.

I've heard a similar joke.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"

Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know."

The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Michiganders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?"

The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!"
 
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Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

A Panda walks into a bar....


Sits down and orders a burger and fries. Finishes his lunch, stands up and pulls out a gun then shoots everyone except the bartender who dives behind the bar. While frantically dialing 911 the bartender yells "what the hell was that all about.". As he's walking out the Panda says "Google me."

This is a much better joke if you end it right here.
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

A woman is in the confessional:

Woman: bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I killed a Congressman.
Priest: My daughter, I'm here to listen to your sins, not your community service work...
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

A woman is in the confessional:

Woman: bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I killed a Congressman.
Priest: My daughter, I'm here to listen to your sins, not your community service work...

Funny story: the first time I heard this joke it was "I killed a Baptist Minister." :) But mostly I've heard it as "... lawyer."
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

Three stages of life:

1. Birth
2. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
3. Death
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

My parents in 1999: Don't trust anyone on the Internet.

My dad in 2016: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says that Hillary invented AIDS.
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

My parents in 1999: Don't trust anyone on the Internet.

My dad in 2016: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says that Hillary invented AIDS.

1999: Don't take rides from strangers, and don't trust people you meet on the Internet.

2017: Uber.
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

1999: Don't take rides from strangers, and don't trust people you meet on the Internet.

2017: Uber.
Win.

My parents: How do you know him/her?
Me: I know them through message boards on the internet, and finally met them at a tailgate. Oh, and they are crashing at my place/I'm crashing at theirs.
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

1999: Don't trust people you meet on the Internet; when you sleep with someone you're sleeping with everyone they slept with.

2017: Tinder.
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

Those are brilliant.

1999: I would never give my child a $1,000 pocket computer that would allow them to look up porn and let them run around and break it. And I certainly wouldn't let them hand out naked pictures of themselves to their classmates.

2017: iPhone 8
 
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Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

Me, trying to explain underwear to aliens: we have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants.

Prompt: badly explain every day, ordinary things to aliens.
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

Every now and then, I like to sit on the edge of my bed, hold my pants by the waist at floor level, and then put both feet into my pant legs at the same time before pulling up my pants.
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

Me, trying to explain underwear to aliens: we have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants.

Prompt: badly explain every day, ordinary things to aliens.

This reminds me of "Baseball Explained to a Foreigner," which used to be quoted in full on a wall at Cooperstown. It may have been Ring Lardner. Google knows nothing of it. :(
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

This reminds me of "Baseball Explained to a Foreigner," which used to be quoted in full on a wall at Cooperstown. It may have been Ring Lardner. Google knows nothing of it. :(
In the movie Blast from the Past, there's a scene where the father, played Christopher Walken, tries to explain baseball to his son, who has only known life living in a bomb shelter. It's clearly a play on the Cooperstown sign. The kid isn't getting the whole concept of a force-out. The whole scene becomes a mini-montage. Later in the movie, when the now adult son is out in the world, he attends his first baseball game and has that moment of recognition, "I get it now, it's because he has to!"
 
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