As if anyone needed further proof that film criticism is purely a forum for debate, and rarely utilized in any sort of practical manner, Vampires Suck—a movie with a 5-percent freshness rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and the general consensus that it is “witlessly broad and utterly devoid of laughs”—debuted at No. 2 this week with $12.2 million, already well on its way to justifying its existence with studio executives who will gladly fast-track another one of these things. And of course, there’s nothing we could have done about, because we’re not America’s mother—and even if we were its mother, it wouldn’t listen to us anyway. If we were like, “America, we just want what’s best for you, and there’s the very real possibility that Vampires Suck will give your eyeballs AIDS,” America would just be all, “You can’t tell me what to do!” and sneak out to see it after we were asleep. Because that’s pretty much what every critic in the country did, and America chose to raw-dog it anyway. Because it’s the American pioneer spirit, and because teenagers need a cool, dark place where they can gather and text each other without the distraction of story, or even discernible punchlines. So thanks to that impudence, the Friedberg/Seltzer machine rolls on. We’ll see you again as soon as they get around to making 3-D Movie, which we’re anticipating the announcement of any second now.
