Re: LSSU Hockey 2012-2013
I most certainly hope that Raven gets his chance this year as promised when he came here.
Yeah! Or Brett Wall! Unfairness sucks! Attica! Attica! Attica!
English department note: Nothing worse than sentence like this one illustrated above. Its a mish-mash which purports to be intelligent. But let us review. Part one: "I most certainly hope." Hmmm, this sounds smarty and all educated and stuff, but in reality this is the worst sort of brainless blather and is too-often passed off by people attempting to sound both "smart" and "serious." The problem is the use of the word "most." It is not necessary and it modifies a modifier, which is just sloppy -- Orwell mocked this nicely in 1984 with something being double-plus-good. The proper way to express oneself would be to say "I certainly hope . . . " Although now it begs the question: What does "certainly hope" mean? Nothing. Adding "certainly" to "hope" merely emphasizes the obvious. If you are "hoping," one would readily assume that you are hoping with some level of certainty in your convictions. And accordingly, do we really need you to say, "Certainly hope"? Is it not obvious from the text? Now, if you were hoping, but it was a vague or idle hope, then perhaps a modifier such as "faintly" can be added to "hope." Or "desperately" can be added to hope to show that you you both understand the unlikelihood of you hope's object coming true -- but you really want it to come true. But "certainly" and "hope" really don't go together. So the entire first sentence can be reduced to "I hope." Lovely. Isn't that much better for the reader.
Ok, lets move to the second part: . . . that Ravn gets his chance this year . . .. Nothing too objectionable here, except perhaps the use of the word "chance," given the context of the whole sentence. Getting a chance indicates that a person has been dutifully standing in line and has not yet been allowed to exhibit some skill. Moreover, it appears to be "his" chance, as if to indicate that he has a "chance" which heretofore has been kept from the light of day, so to speak. This presumes that he does not have a chance, per se, but rather that he will maybe "get" that "chance" at some point "this year." This is sloppy. Many words with vague or open meanings. Perhaps a cleaner sentence would be, " . . . that Ravn plays in a game this upcoming hockey season." Ah, isn't that better?
Lets put the cleaned up parts together: "I hope Ravn plays in a game this upcoming hockey season." We now have a sentence that is clear, concise, and devoid of the meanspirited hyperbole that would detract from the sentence's intention.
The last part of the sentence needs some cleaning. "As promised when he came here." Where to start? Future tense in part 1 & 2 of the sentence, followed by an odd reference, in past tense, to alleged prior agreements. Merely taken on its own weight, this segment of the sentence is horrific English. Again, it uses the syntaxual structure meant to sound smart, but simple deconstruction shows its obvious flaws. "As promised" is actually not proper English in this context. It looks even more dysfunctional when attached to the tortured phrase "when he came here." Oh my, this is a sad little fragment of a sentence. When applied to the context of parts 1 & 2, it just seems like a third arm growing out of the original sentence's chest. First and foremost, a good sentence builds forward, starting with the oldest information, the past tense information, and moving into the future tenses. By plopping this past-tense remark at the end of the previous half of the sentence which is expressing "hope" for a future action, the writier has committed a common deadly drafting sin -- leaving a hook at the end of the sentence. A good writer must be able to convey thoughts and opinions without the carnival barker trickery of a snarky hook used to catch mindless fish. On that rule alone, this entire third section should be removed. However, should the author truly wish to convey the context of promise-yet-unfullfilled-but-the-hope-of-fullfillment-in-the-future, I would suggest reducing the snarkiness, eliminate the parlor trickery of a bait-and-hook sentence, and place your intentions at the front of the sentence.
Ergo, "As promised when he came here, I hope Ravn plays in a game in the upcoming hockey season."
Better.
But there is still work to be done. Again, the use of "as" and "promised" just seems wrongheaded in this context. True, it sounds better up front instead of the toothless carney shell game of putting a snark in the tail. But perhaps the entire context of the sentence it works. I think I would clean up the vague reference to "here," just to make sure the location and intention of the sentence object is not lost in overly-flowery langauge.
So I think we can leave it as is, and present a much improved statement:
"As promised when he came to LSSU prior to his freshman year, I hope Ravn plays in a game in the upcoming hockey season."
Much better.
