Dad jokes and Bad jokes. One in the same

[MissThundercat]

I was a trail runner.
I pretty much trailed everybody.

 

[wolverineTrumpet]

Why are recycling bins so optimistic?

They're full of cans

 

[MissThundercat]

Why are recycling bins so optimistic?

They're full of cans

But my job crushing those cans is soda pressing.

 

[cF[Authentic]]

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg

 

[SonofSouthie]

What's green and sits outside?

Paddy O'Furniture

 

[St. Clown]

At the Olympics I saw an athlete carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He replied: "No I'm German but how do you know my name is Walter?"

 

[aparch]

There was yet another knife attack at the China Buffet just down the road. I'm really getting tired of the wonton violence...

 

[state of hockey]

When a coworker learned I am autistic they asked if I take everything literally. I told them that’s kleptomaniacs.

 

[St. Clown]

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?

An irr-elephant.

 

[St. Clown]

NASA is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They're calling it the Apollo G.

 

[MissThundercat]

Walked in on my partner having sex with her personal trainer.

Me: Okay, this isn't working out.

 

[SonofSouthie]

How do you get an Irishman up on the roof?

Tell him drinks are on the house.

 

[St. Clown]

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water.

Therefore the Earth is flat.

 

[joecct]

I lost my glasses the other day. Guess who I bumped into?

Everyone.

 

[St. Clown]

My wife sent me a sweet text that read, “If you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied, “I'm on the toilet, please advise…”

 

[SonofSouthie]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

Elephino.

 

[MissThundercat]

Dry erase boards are remarkable inventions.

 

[MissThundercat]

A short psychic escaped from prison.

Newspapers are saying there's a small medium at large.

 

[Kepler]

A short psychic escaped from prison.

Newspapers are saying there's a small medium at large.

The newspaper was an extra.

 

[SonofSouthie]

The Tates Watch Company wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses.
The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"