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A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

Q: What do porcupines say after they kiss?
A: "Ouch."
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

A man walked down O'Connell Street from one end of Dublin to the other, and yet he did not pass a single bar?

How could this be?

He entered every one of them!
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

When someone tells me "stop!", I have a problem. I don't know if it's in the name of love, if it's hammertime, or I should collaborate and listen.
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?

COMET!
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

Man: Girl, are you sitting on an F5 key? Because that booty is refreshing!

Girl: Rupert, are you a software update? Because not right now.
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

Two men walk into a restaurant and sit at the counter. First guy speaks up and says "I'll have a glass of H2O." Second guy says, "I'll have a glass of H2O, too."

The second man is now dead.
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

Watched a Louis CK special the other night, they showed the intro (for whatever reason). So terrible, I chuckled:

I have a stepladder. Never knew my real ladder. People tell me he supported 3 people at once. Unfortunately, he's in a 12-step program right now.

While laughing, in my mind I was thinking "Stahhhhhp."
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

How to get to Heaven from Ireland : A true story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?

''NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?

'Again, the answer was 'NO!

''If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'

It's a curious race, the Irish.

Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

"You're still a rockstar," I say to myself... as I take my nighttime medicine and crawl into bed by 9 PM.
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

SonofSouthie said:
How to get to Heaven from Ireland : A true story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?

''NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?

'Again, the answer was 'NO!

''If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'

It's a curious race, the Irish.

Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?
Click to expand...
Seamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of Bushmills and three pints of Guinness.
"Rough day, friend?" the bartender asks as he pours the drinks.
"Nah - it's for me brothers. The three of us used to drink together back home in Dublin when we were younger. Now Mick's in London, Paddy's in Australia, and I'm here in New York. We hardly ever see each other these days, but when we left home, we swore we'd drink like this in honor of the times we was together."
Seamus returns every Friday night, always ordering the same thing. The lone Irishman with three shots and three pints becomes a familiar sight to the other patrons.
Then, one Friday night, Seamus comes in looking downcast. He walks up to the bartender and orders two shots and two pints. A stunned silence falls over the regular patrons.
"Oh, Seamus. I'm so sorry for your loss," says the bartender. "Which brother did you lose? Mick or Paddy?"
"Oh, no! Me brothers are fine!" says Seamus. "It's just that me wife's made me quit drinking!"

Slainte to a fellow mick. :)
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

FadeToBlack&Gold said:
This one also works for, "A Harvard grad, a Yale grad, and a Michigan grad..."
Click to expand...

Michigan? One of these things is not like the other...

I heard it as "a libertarian, a vegan, and a Born Again..." I think Dude may have switched them up to fit his hangups. :)
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

Kepler said:
Michigan? One of these things is not like the other...
Click to expand...

Well, I've never met anyone who made sure to insert "Did I mention that I went to Brown?" into a random conversation.
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

Kepler said:
Michigan? One of these things is not like the other...

I heard it as "a libertarian, a vegan, and a Born Again..." I think Dude may have switched them up to fit his hangups. :)
Click to expand...

And a Crossfitter. And a Herbashakealifeologist/whatever multilevel marketing scam the kiddies are up to these days.
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

FadeToBlack&Gold said:
Well, I've never met anyone who made sure to insert "Did I mention that I went to Brown?" into a random conversation.
Click to expand...

I know, but it's still a different thing. Michigan belongs with USC and Duke in the tirad of overrated alum puffery.

The worst thing about Yale and Harvard pomposity is that it is, to some extent, deserved.
 
Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

I was in a pub last night, and drank a few.

I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland ?"

That's the last thing I remember...
 
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