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2024 Elections: One Last Chance for Democracy

Tim Walz Clarifies That He's Never Been To Iraq, But He Has Been To Downtown Minneapolis Which Is Basically The Same Thing | Babylon Bee

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DETROIT, MI — Coming under heavy criticism over false claims about his military service, Minnesota governor and current vice-presidential candidate Tim Walz clarified he's never been to Iraq, but he has been to downtown Minneapolis, which is basically the same thing.

After Walz faced accusations of "stolen valor" after repeatedly claiming to have seen combat in Iraq, he admitted that while he had never actually been there, he had spent a lot of time in and around the hellish, war-torn landscape of downtown Minneapolis, meaning he had likely experienced the same type of horror.

"Believe me, it's just as nasty out there," Walz said. "During my time as governor, the level of decay and danger that permeated Minneapolis isn't anything to shake a stick at. So, while I must admit I never actually set foot in Iraq, per se, I would have to argue that my extensive time spent in downtown Minneapolis has given me experience that is just as — if not more — sobering and life-changing than anyone who served in Iraq."

As part of his explanation, Walz recounted the terrible threats and harrowing events he witnessed in Minneapolis while he was in charge. "You name it, I've seen it," he said. "Insurgents, acts of terrorism, mobs of people screaming ‘Allahu akbar,' improvised explosive devices… they're all commonplace in Minneapolis these days. It's a scary place."

At publishing time, Walz expressed heartache over an incident when multiple members of his staff were injured by an RPG fired at the governor's motorcade while they stopped for some fried walleye cheeks.
 
... and to think, I never realized what a pu$$y your governor is. No wonder why you lefties all love him ...

Tim Walz Backs Out Of VP Nomination After Learning VPs Sometimes Have To Deploy To Dangerous Places Overseas | Babylon Bee

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MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Despite making headlines and helping Kamala Harris surge in popularity following accepting a spot as her running mate, Tim Walz backed out of the VP nomination after learning vice presidents sometimes have to deploy to dangerous places overseas.

"Whoa, deploy?" asked Walz, taken aback. "Aren't there other, less important people to do that? That's not really my thing."

Along with the high-profile position of being named Harris's running mate, the Minnesota governor found himself facing allegations of dropping out of the National Guard to avoid being sent to war in Iraq. Walz reportedly experienced deja vu this week upon being informed vice presidents may potentially be called upon to travel to dangerous overseas locations.

"I'm not sure I feel too great about this gig now," Walz was overheard telling his staff. "I thought it was just some cushy job sitting at a desk, cutting ribbons at the opening of government buildings, attending really fancy dinners…that type of thing. I had no idea I might be put in any type of risky situation. I better let Kamala know I'm out."

Insiders among Walz's staff confirmed that the governor was ready to bail as soon as he found out that he would not be completely safe at all times and may be called upon to place himself in harm's way in extreme situations.

"I'm not into this ‘risking my life for my country' stuff," Walz said. "I thought that would have been obvious by now."

At publishing time, Walz's office denied reports that he had attempted to shield himself with women and children when a car backfired outside a campaign rally.
 
'They Got You In Here Too, Huh?' Says Biden As Dems Lock Kamala In Basement | Babylon Bee

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the presidential race entering its final few months, top Democratic officials decided to return to their tried and true game plan of hiding their candidate in the basement to avoid having any voters see them or hear them until after election day.

"They got you in here too, huh?" Biden was overheard saying to Harris. "They told me I should just stay in here. That was four years… four hundred billion… million billion… four… a long time ago. They said I could watch as many cartoons as I want down here and then when I came out of the basement, I would be president. Now I'm not going to be president anymore, but they told me to stay down here anyway. They've got somebody else now. A black gal… or Indian… or… anyway."

A source deep within the White House confirmed that Harris had been sent to the basement. "It's the only way we can really maintain control," the source said. "You've seen her do interviews, right? When she goes off-script, bad things happen. Just like Joe. So, with that in mind, we decided the best thing to do is just do what we did with him — lock her in the basement, keep her hidden, and let the media and celebrities do all the campaigning for her. Super brat, right? Did I use that word right?"

At publishing time, White House staff had been instructed to make sure the basement remained fully stocked with wine to keep the vice president comfortable.
 
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