Q: Honesty?
Hi Carolyn, When someone tells you something strange about themselves, how long do you give yourself to react? And how do you act around them while you are figuring it out? My husband of ten years recently came out to me as a trans woman. She says she is a lesbian, and wants to stay and make it work. I am trying to be supportive, but I am feeling betrayed and weirded out and I'm pretty sure I'm not a lesbian. When I hide my confusion, she's ecstatically happy to be her real self: when I mention some aspect of my unhappiness, she goes very quiet. I feel sad and alone and confused and I don't know how much of that to let show. I thought I had a best friend, and that we told each other everything, but apparently not. Should I "fake it until I make it", or let myself flinch when she tried to hug me while dressed as a woman, or something in between? Separating is not an option: we have two small children who adore both their parents (and are unconcerned about daddy in a dress).
A: Carolyn Hax
Please look into the Straight Spouse Network (LINK). You need someone to talk to, and to help you figure out how to be the legitimately difficult combination of shocked, supportive, sad, lonely, loving and confused--put "justifiably" before each, for good measure--all while being a seamless co-parent of young children, as you figure out what to do next.
As for your specific question, you take the time you need--and you say as much to your spouse. "I am not ready for hugs," said kindly, is perfectly fair in a situation like this. She has had a lifetime to process this and only just now has embraced it; you've had just weeks or days. You can say that, too, again with kindness. You can also assure her that you see she is ecstatic to be her real self, and you are supportive of that--it's just that what it means for you is a lot more complicated. So she goes quiet; being supportive doesn't mean it's your job to protect her by not showing any feelings of your own. You can be both thoughtful and real.
This is down the road for you for sure, but you, too, probably need to consider the one thing you ruled out: "Separating is not an option." It may make sense for now. Stability isn't just important for kids; it can also help you think more clearly about your next step.
But as you say, you're straight, and can't be expected to remain in a marriage now that you realize it is not a hetero one. You can choose to stay, ultimately, of course--but staying is hardly your only option, even as you raise children together. Loving and supporting each other as people and parents means you can do this. Your separate homes can be in the same town, same street, same building. Why not?
