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The Mental Health Thread

For some reason I assumed you were already in your late 50s. Nothing specific, but mostly based off your knowledgeable posts about legal topics.

Anyway, the biggest thing I found in my late 30s and am re-emphasizing as I'm just a year younger than you is international travel. As you mentioned, that disposable income is huge in the opportunities available for travel and proper experiences. Although, there's something to be said about traveling Europe and staying in hostels (although with your own room) and meeting and interacting with so many different people from all around the world.
 
unofan said:
So I'm curious for the middle aged and older crowd on here, how'd you handle your midlife crisis moments?
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Mistresses are traditional.

I love being middle aged / old. It's such a relief. I highly recommend leaning into it. Thumb your nose at the Cult of Youth: it's just a trap to get people to consume. Look deep inside and find out what you want and go take it. The best way to respond to the superficial consumerist culture that most people unfortunately inhabit all their lives is indifference. Don't hate them or even assiduously ignore them. Just unexist them.

If you want toys, f-ck it, get whatever toys you want. Personally I want to get a whiff of what the Great Conversation has been about for the last 2500 years so I rip that out at the root and jam it in my face. And if the young and pretty and stupid want to laugh, who cares, they are fruit that spoils overnight.

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The travel itch will absolutely be scratched, problem is I can really only do a full 7-14 days overseas every 3rd year or so, more from a time cost perspective at work than a monetary one.

And infidelity isn't even close to a concern. My value of loyalty as a characteristic and hatred for cheaters are hard wired in; no software change in the chemical balance of the noggin is going to alter that.

I definitely am getting the itch more for activities/ things to do than baubles to collect. The main thing that's hit me is looking at an activity that likely was formerly dismissed out of hand for monetary reasons first and foremost and now having to actually weigh the risks versus rewards because it's now a possibility. Often with a tint of "will I regret not having done this in 20 years when i no longer can" against the chances I'll ruin my retirement by doing this and getting badly injured or killed. Like the aforementioned motorcycle, or wanting to go skiing for the first time since I was in my early 20s, or pushing the bicycling/inline skating harder to actually get good at them rather than just getting some exercise. And my own initial reactions are not always what I would've expected from myself.

Guessing part of this is restlessness from not having done a ton of physical activity since late January while the broken arm heals, so hopefully as I get back to more regular activity levels again this summer some of this passes. But still...I know it's not entirely that.
 
I had the motorcycle itch a few years ago, but my wife gave an emphatic NO on that. I then asked about the various 3-wheeled options, and decided against them because they’re stupid expensive.

I’ve been trying to get more into woodworking. That presents challenges from fiscal, safety and space considerations. And time. Time is perhaps the biggest barrier because of my 4yo and I’m trying to not be a self-obsessed father.
 
For me, it's music and travel. My new job offers a ton more flexibility so I'm hoping to hit Vegas this year and do more weekend trips.
 
unofan said:
So I'm curious for the middle aged and older crowd on here, how'd you handle your midlife crisis moments?

I turn 43 this coming winter, and the combination of 1) suddenly having more disposable income in the last year due to new jobs for both my wife and I, 2) seeing my parents age visibly and significantly over the last 2-3 years (not to mention my father-in-law passing suddenly from cancer a few years back in his 60s), and 3) watching my daughter grow up quickly (in a "the days are long but the years are short" sense), have all made me have more thoughts stereotypically seen as midlife crisis moments.

I wouldn't say I have feelings of regret, but definitely think about "what if" alternative scenarios for past decisions a lot more. And it feels like the brain has ever so slightly shifted its internal dialogue when facing situations to be less complacent and more wanting to do new stuff now that i can afford it, which is good as far as it goes, but the risk/reward calculation is going with it at least for that initial impression/impulsive response before the thinking brain kicks in and says "what the hell, you moron."

Like seeing a college kid on a crotch rocket and now having the initial reaction of thinking that looks like fun and I should do that too despite never having touched a motorcycle in my life. Or when my daughter got her ears pierced I even had a thought about getting one of mine done too for a hot second (which would not go over well professionally).

So now I'm rambling, but just curious how you all dealt with any similar inclinations in your 40s and 50s (or beyond).
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As someone in their 60's, and someone who experienced similar "itches" that you've described, I can tell you this. I don't spend one single second of any day regretting purchases I didn't make (except for maybe Microsoft stock in say the early 80's). Not once have I thought, "geez I sort of wish I had purchased that motorcycle or that boat."

My only regrets are missed experiences. I've always wanted to attend the British Open, and we had planned to go in 2020, but I still haven't made it. I regret not going to Tampa for the Frozen Four with my dad and my brother.

In my late 30's and early 40's, when both work and finances began to permit it, I started making sure that my wife and I participated in more trips with couples, more guy trips fishing or golfing, etc...

Today, I only wish I had done more of them. I don't wish that I had purchased a sports car.
 
For the most part, my disposable income was spent on experiences prior to getting married. For example, flying in the upper deck of a retiring 747 before they're all eventually sent for scrap. Or chartering a helicopter to fly me around Kauai for photography. Or traveling to spend time in specific neighborhoods of other cities - eating, rubbing elbows with locals, and trying to figure out if I was interested in packing up and permanently moving there. Closest I came to actually relocating was MSP; then COVID and my wife happened, go figure. :-)

Now it's mostly spent on local dining, my wife, our house, and our pets.
 
St. Clown said:
I had the motorcycle itch a few years ago, but my wife gave an emphatic NO on that.
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It's funny. I was expecting my wife to react similarly when i mentioned that particular itch, but should've known she wouldn't. One, since her dad died she's taken more of a YOLO attitude and is all about doing things while you can - hence her solo trip to Seoul and her thinking strongly about doing the entire week of RAGBRAI this year. Plus her dad rode motorcycles his entire life, wrote for Road and Track for over a decade, and even did some road races out west in his youth, so she's used to them.

She still is pushing travel more (which I'm all for, too), but she didn't even slightly try to discourage me, either.

So we'll see. Right now my plan is to not do anything about it til father's day, and if I still feel the itch at that point, just sign up for the basic skills class at the local community college as a gift to myself and test it out that way to see if I like it.
 
As I have gotten older (now 40), and gotten more disposable income, I too have allowed myself to indulge in things that bring me joy more than I used to. I am still young enough that I do try to be fiscally responsible and continuously add more to savings, 401K, and HSA, but I don't say "No" to myself as often. So I buy more LEGO than I used to. I buy fly tying materials I don't necessarily need buy just want to try. I buy a little bit better fly fishing and ice fishing gear. I buy a "nice" bottle of scotch to enjoy when I want it. I spend more time with the associated activities (building things, making flies, going fly fishing) than worrying about making sure every little "chore" is completed first. I certainly feel like my mental health is better since I have said "yes" to myself more (though I don't believe it was ever "bad").
 
My midlife has been for embracing feral behavior and doing things 18 year old me would have frowned upon.

I've been embraced by the local queer community as Mama Bear. Did my first drag performance. Learned to go ahead and eat the cake because I'm alive. Appreciating the days I get to sit at home with no makeup, braless, and covered in Dorito dust.
 
A motorcycle can be an experience purchase rather than (or in addition to) a toy purchase. After teaching for a year after undergrad, I bought a bike, packed it with cooking and camping gear, camera equipment, clothes, and some cash and headed south, destination unknown. That extended road trip lasted 5 years and ended in NoCal. It wasn't at mid life, but it was a time when my friends and schoolmates were building careers and getting grad or professional school out of the way. I'm sure it cost me some in terms of career track, but I treasure the experiences I had during that time and am glad I chose that path. Later, after 14 years learning a trade, I headed off to law school with a wife and two-year-old. That change worked out well for both of us as well.

Uno's situation is different in that he has put himself in a good place professionally (and personally, it sounds like), so big changes present bigger risks. It is the experiences rather than the things that give lasting value, though, as several have pointed out.
 
Taking care of mental health is so important, both for ourselves and our pets. Pets can have a huge positive impact on our well-being, but they need proper care too. If you're looking for an easy way to get pet medications without a vet visit, Pet Prescription Without Vet is a great option. It can make managing your pet's health a lot less stressful.
 
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Lately, I've been super depressed. Something that's kept me going is reminding myself "there is no (good thing that I enjoy) 6 feet underground." No pierogis, no potstickers, no Drag Bingo or Drag brunches, no late night Taco Bell runs...
 
So at the suggestion of my better half to not wait until the heat of summer to take the MSF basic skills class, still had the itch by Memorial Day so signed up and ended up doing it this weekend.

Yeah, definitely going to keep doing it. Will probably spend most of this summer just riding around in parking lots and my neighborhood getting comfortable, but the few times we got up to speed (relatively, like 20 mph) in the class I was grinning ear to ear.
 
MissThundercat said:
Lately, I've been super depressed. Something that's kept me going is reminding myself "there is no (good thing that I enjoy) 6 feet underground." No pierogis, no potstickers, no Drag Bingo or Drag brunches, no late night Taco Bell runs...
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Life gets more satisfying and more rich the older one gets, so while more things happen that are saddening, you develop ways of dealing with them, and appreciating the joys of life, even faster. Living is a learned skill. You are always developing and becoming stronger and more able to deal with all the myriad challenges, both situational and two-legged. And your perspective keeps deepening, and you genuinely do gain wisdom.

Tolstoy said "the Kingdom of God is within you." You contain infinite depths of resilience and strength. I'm not saying anything you don't already know.
 
unofan said:
So at the suggestion of my better half to not wait until the heat of summer to take the MSF basic skills class, still had the itch by Memorial Day so signed up and ended up doing it this weekend.

Yeah, definitely going to keep doing it. Will probably spend most of this summer just riding around in parking lots and my neighborhood getting comfortable, but the few times we got up to speed (relatively, like 20 mph) in the class I was grinning ear to ear.
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First time I got on a bike was after purchasing a 550 Honda and had to ride it back home 15 miles away. Only about 2 miles out I had to make a left turn at a lighted intersection. I was so ignorant I had to walk it through the intersection. Young, foolish, and ready to try just about anything. Took lessons after that and eventually had a fairly long-lasting love affair with riding bike on the open road. Whether it's curvy mountain roads or an empty prairie highway near sundown, it can be magical.
 
One thing that has helped me a lot is maintaining a healthy work-life balance and finding activities that I enjoy to relieve stress. For instance, I recently discovered the importance of proper vision care for my overall well-being. Straining my eyes all day was causing headaches and adding to my stress levels. I decided to check out glassesusa, and getting the right pair of glasses made a huge difference. Not only did it improve my productivity, but it also made me feel more comfortable throughout the day. It’s amazing how small changes can have a big impact on our mental health!
 
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