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Singles Part 14: Come Get Some!

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Re: Singles Part 14: Come Get Some!

jmh said:
Here's a pretty random question for the peanut gallery. I've gone out with this one woman ("M") three times over the past ~three weeks, and we have another date scheduled for tomorrow night. It's going really well (well enough that even I can tell it's going really well, and I'm pretty bad at picking up on signals), and I think it could turn into something long-term, though it's not there yet.

M has been working as a contractor/temp employee in her professional field, but is looking for something full-time; her field is the same one that my sister ("L") works in. L's company is hiring and she would get a referral bonus if she submitted a resume for a candidate who got hired (and got one in the past when she referred one of my college friends), and I'm sure M would appreciate the leg up on the competition she would presumably get over other candidates if her resume were submitted by L (who's been with her company for six years now) rather than just submitted through their recruiting website with a bunch of others.

Though I'm optimistic about the way things are going with M, we're obviously not yet at the "let's meet each other's families" stage of things. Does that change if I'd like to put L and M in contact in a professional capacity? (If it's a relevant detail, from what I've observed about M, I have no reservations about recommending her, though obviously I know her socially and not professionally and so that view is based on her general intelligence and personality rather than actual familiarity with her work product.)
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If L was just a friend would you feel the same hesitation? If M was just a friend would you feel the same hesitation?

I think having it be the sister is significantly different from being either parent. If it was a parent or older relitive, I'd personally lean more towards no.

I think that the best way to go about this would be to pose the same question to M and see how she feels, she may not be comfortable meeting some so close to you so soon. If the roles were reversed what would you want M to do?

If it were me, I'd bring it up to M and let her decide. If nothing else is shows that you have a good relationship with your sister and you have enough respect for both of them to introduce them on a professional basis.
 
Re: Singles Part 14: Come Get Some!

unofan said:
Would you do the same thing for a guy you've golfed with (played hockey with, gone to mets games with, whatever) 3-4 times? If the answer is yes, then don't worry about it. It's not like you're not getting her an interview with your company.

The only other consideration is if she'd be working closely with your sister rather than just getting the step-in-the-door from her.
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I tend to agree. But I'd talk to L first, and perhaps see if she wants to talk to M about the gig first. She may not want to risk the referral on somebody she doesn't know well or feel comfortable working with. An internal referral puts one's credibility on the line. M may be a great GF, but she may also be a terrible co-worker. Moreover you run the risk of poisoning one or more relationships by mixing business, family and personal relationships if things go sideways.
 
Re: Singles Part 14: Come Get Some!

Saw one of the chicks out last night I was ‘seeing’ before on a brief basis, and basically told her I wasn’t interested in relationships etc. Felt like a jerk. She said she’d still hook up though, which goes into fully supporting the jerk theory - of which has come full circle and I have become. You know that nerdy guy in high school who never got any? Yup, I was that too. Still though, I felt bad laying it on her. Shes not a bad person, I just wasn’t feeling it. Letting people down is a tough thing for me.

In an unrelated event, I have to , today, tell my friend who is pushing for me to get full time work at his company that I will be accepting another offer elsewhere. Same kind of let down, different situation. He wants me to work here (where I am doing contract work), his boss is trying to get money from the department. However, my dream sort of job gave me an offer. Bleh. F- It all. I have to stop creating expectations for others than letting them down. Why does this bother me? Does it bother most others?

Im done venting. Please feel free to rip me a new one to get me back on track here.
 
Re: Singles Part 14: Come Get Some!

unh_hockey said:
Saw one of the chicks out last night I was ‘seeing’ before on a brief basis, and basically told her I wasn’t interested in relationships etc. Felt like a jerk. She said she’d still hook up though, which goes into fully supporting the jerk theory - of which has come full circle and I have become. You know that nerdy guy in high school who never got any? Yup, I was that too. Still though, I felt bad laying it on her. Shes not a bad person, I just wasn’t feeling it. Letting people down is a tough thing for me.
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Same. Situation.

Started getting with this girl at school 2 weeks ago at/after a Yankees game, and has developed into her sleeping with me M,T,W nights this week before she went home. We're both graduating next Friday, which means I'm moving to Houston to begin a job, and she's going elsewhere with NOAA. She pretty much gave me the "I want to be with you" Wednesday night. Real nice girl, but I just don't see this working out long-term. Sucks, but thats how it goes.
 
Re: Singles Part 14: Come Get Some!

hockeyplayer1015 said:
Same. Situation.

Started getting with this girl at school 2 weeks ago at a Yankees game, and has developed into her sleeping with me M,T,W nights this week before she went home. We're both graduating next Friday, which means I'm moving to Houston to begin a job, and she's going elsewhere with NOAA. She pretty much gave me the "I want to be with you" Wednesday night. Real nice girl, but I just don't see this working out long-term. Sucks, but thats how it goes.
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Doing that kinda stuff kills me on the inside. It was even worse when I had to leave my longer term gf a few years ago to start the company in Virginia. I even posted on the previous incarnation of this thread on the subject. never easy for some of us. The critical choices in life aren't easy at all though :(
 
Re: Singles Part 14: Come Get Some!

unh_hockey said:
Doing that kinda stuff kills me on the inside. It was even worse when I had to leave my longer term gf a few years ago to start the company in Virginia. I even posted on the previous incarnation of this thread on the subject. never easy for some of us. The critical choices in life aren't easy at all though :(
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Ya, I really had no intentions on this becoming a long term thing from the start, so I'm not going to be real hurt on my side, but the not knowing how it will/could affect her is what isn't going to make it fun.
 
Re: Singles Part 14: Come Get Some!

unh_hockey said:
Saw one of the chicks out last night I was ‘seeing’ before on a brief basis, and basically told her I wasn’t interested in relationships etc. Felt like a jerk. She said she’d still hook up though, which goes into fully supporting the jerk theory - of which has come full circle and I have become. You know that nerdy guy in high school who never got any? Yup, I was that too. Still though, I felt bad laying it on her. Shes not a bad person, I just wasn’t feeling it. Letting people down is a tough thing for me.

In an unrelated event, I have to , today, tell my friend who is pushing for me to get full time work at his company that I will be accepting another offer elsewhere. Same kind of let down, different situation. He wants me to work here (where I am doing contract work), his boss is trying to get money from the department. However, my dream sort of job gave me an offer. Bleh. F- It all. I have to stop creating expectations for others than letting them down. Why does this bother me? Does it bother most others?

Im done venting. Please feel free to rip me a new one to get me back on track here.
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Just because you disappoint someone by telling them the truth up front, that does not make you a jerk at all (you may be a jerk for other reasons). If anything it makes you a stand up person. Very few people like giving other people bad news, but sometimes you have to do that in life.

hockeyplayer1015 said:
Same. Situation.

Started getting with this girl at school 2 weeks ago at/after a Yankees game, and has developed into her sleeping with me M,T,W nights this week before she went home. We're both graduating next Friday, which means I'm moving to Houston to begin a job, and she's going elsewhere with NOAA. She pretty much gave me the "I want to be with you" Wednesday night. Real nice girl, but I just don't see this working out long-term. Sucks, but thats how it goes.
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Did you make it clear that you were not looking for anything serious from the start? If not, what did you honestly expect to happen? Odds were that one of you were going to develop feelings for the other eventually. The best thing that you can do is just be upfront and honest with her that you don't think that things are going to go anywhere because of the timing of everything that the geography of where you both will be after graduation.

While I understand that their are times for lies, partial truths, and misdirection; in general it is far better to be honest upfront then have to sort things out later.
 
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Re: Singles Part 14: Come Get Some!

Had another really good date with M last night. Seems to be heading in a positive direction.

Somewhat related: decided to ask my sister to refer M to her company. Would've done the same for a friend, or for M if things didn't seem like they were going well, because she's a nice person regardless and that's the kind of thing that nice people do for other nice people, not to mention I think they would give my sister a couple grand for it (and she would in turn treat me to a nice dinner with some of that) so it really seems win-win. The position M is applying for isn't in my sister's area either (she mentioned that she didn't know any of the people in that specific group), so theoretically if M were to get hired and then things were to go sour between her and me, it's not like they'd be seeing each other every day.
 
Re: Singles Part 14: Come Get Some!

True, and thanks for the vote of confidence. Maybe to me it seems that others don’t care who they let down, but I guess its impossible to read minds. At the same time, going through life caring what everyone else thinks is a fools gambit and will only be your own ruin. Charlie sheen might be going off the deep end, but he said a quote that hit home to me ‘ as soon as you become a people pleaser, you lose your soul’.

FWIW I am not leading this girl on anymore. By tonight I wont be leading my friend on (in regards to my job) anymore either.
 
Re: Singles Part 14: Come Get Some!

Almington said:
Did you make it clear that you were not looking for anything serious from the start? If not, what did you honestly expect to happen? Odds were that one of you were going to develop feelings for the other eventually. The best thing that you can do is just be upfront and honest with her that you don't think that things are going to go anywhere because of the timing of everything that the geography of where you both will be after graduation.

While I understand that their are times for lies, partial truths, and misdirection; in general it is far better to be honest upfront then have to sort things out later.
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She said the first night "Don't get attached." I had no plans on doing so, and pretty much said I'm fine with that. Talking with each other this past Wednesday, eventually she pretty much said she wants the attachment between us. She's probably coming back to school next monday and maybe wednesday nights. We'll see how things go with it.

I definitely agree with your last statement too. While being rejected is one of the worst feelings, especially for somebody you're really into, I've found that I can respect/appreciate that person even more when being told the truth.
 
Re: Singles Part 14: Come Get Some!

hockeyplayer1015 said:
She said the first night "Don't get attached." I had no plans on doing so, and pretty much said I'm fine with that. Talking with each other this past Wednesday, eventually she pretty much said she wants the attachment between us. She's probably coming back to school next monday and maybe wednesday nights. We'll see how things go with it.

I definitely agree with your last statement too. While being rejected is one of the worst feelings, especially for somebody you're really into, I've found that I can respect/appreciate that person even more when being told the truth.
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If she said that, then you can (and should) feel bad about letting her down, it was clear from the beginning between the two of you that this wasn't going to go anywhere so it wasn't like you deceived her to just get her into be. But, from my perspective, when you do that has to be the end of things; your actions have to match up with your words.
 
Re: Singles Part 14: Come Get Some!

Have any of you ever found that women are just friendlier in some places than others? Last time I went on vacation to visit family in Oregon, over a two-week span I got into probably 4 or 5 random conversations with women I ran into (none of them initiated by me), and had at least as many instances of good vibes/noticeably extended eye contact/whatever, all without me trying to do anything other than go about my business. At first I thought maybe it had something to do with me, getting out of the daily grind, being in a better mood, and all that, translating out and making me more approachable. Then, I get back up here in AK, and even though I was still refreshed and in a pretty good mood, things were immediately back to the same old cold shoulder, quickly averted gaze, and even one instance of an obvious eye roll :rolleyes:, when all I did was smile.

I'm not saying they're ALL like that up here, but the average definitely seems skewed towards the not-too-friendly side, compared to down there. Not a huge confidence boost when you're not the most outgoing guy in the first place :p
 
Re: Singles Part 14: Come Get Some!

You live in Alaska where the men outnumber the women 8:1. Of course they're more guarded up there.
 
Re: Singles Part 14: Come Get Some!

vacation spots offer women a place away from the every watchful eyes of their peers. Remember, its more taboo for a women to sleep around than guys, so being harder to get keeps them in line with what they want others to perceive. You go on vacation, and this largely goes away. People take down their shields when they don't have to worry about what their acquaintances will think.
 
Re: Singles Part 14: Come Get Some!

I'm back in the pile; things with the GF didn't work out.

Lesson learned: When you're a rightwing nutjob, don't date a hippie.
 
Re: Singles Part 14: Come Get Some!

FlagDUDE08 said:
I'm back in the pile; things with the GF didn't work out.

Lesson learned: When you're a rightwing nutjob, don't date a hippie.
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So you're saying Dharma and Greg was merely a middling sit-com, and not a how-to manual? I'm shocked. SHOCKED, I say.
 
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