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Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

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Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

FlagDUDE08 said:
Who's taking a trip to one of the suburbs during next year's frozen four to see if this exists there as well? ;)
Click to expand...
When I went to see Ryne Sandberg inducted into the hall of fame, I stayed at the Beaver Valley Campground just outside Cooperstown.

And while a drive to Beaver Creek would be great, it's not exactly a suburb.

http://www.beaverliquors.com/
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

Now this is one of my best efforts, as the original version came about spontaneously in the flow of conversation as my friend was describing his lament....I've framed it out in a narrative.

It is more than a little off-color, I hope it stays up for a few days.

EDIT: the four-letter word punchline is so obvious, I decided to put it in white text to protect those easily offended.


It seems there was a high-maintenance woman who was dissatisfied with her boyfriend's sexual performance. No matter what he tried, she always found something wanting.

Either he entered at the wrong angle, or thrust at the wrong speed, or he came too soon.

So he tried one of those hand-held massagers, but either he was too rough or too gentle or couldn't consistently hit the right spot.

So he tried cunnilingus, but either his tongue was too hard and pointy, or too flabby and flappy.

Finally, in frustration, he bought her a vibrator and told her to go f^ck herself! ;)
 
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Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

FreshFish said:
Now this is one of my best efforts, as the original version came about spontaneously in the flow of conversation as my friend was describing his lament....I've framed it out in a narrative.

It is more than a little off-color, I hope it stays up for a few days.

EDIT: the four-letter word punchline is so obvious, I decided to put it in white text to protect those easily offended.


It seems there was a high-maintenance woman who was dissatisfied with her boyfriend's sexual performance. No matter what he tried, she always found something wanting.

Either he entered at the wrong angle, or thrust at the wrong speed, or he came too soon.

So he tried one of those hand-held massagers, but either he was too rough or too gentle or couldn't consistently hit the right spot.

So he tried cunnilingus, but either his tongue was too hard and pointy, or too flabby and flappy.

Finally, in frustration, he bought her a vibrator and told her to go f^ck herself! ;)
Click to expand...
It's not the face you fck
It's the fck you face.
So, if you can't face it,
Fck it.
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

"Johnny, use the word 'horticulture' in a sentence."

You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

There was a young lady name Pat
Who had triplets named Nat, Mat and Tat
It was fun in the breeding
But not in the feeding
When she found she had no t1t for Tat
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

So, I was waiting in line at the Chinese laundry the other day, and I overheard this guy talking....

"What is it with the Chinese, anyway?" he asked. "They have this great, revered philosopher, right? Usually I expect philosophers to have gems of wisdom, yet they call this guy 'Confuse Us'? I don't get it."

He then continued, "and on top of that, they have this great historical leader who modernized the country, and is supposed to be such a fantastic historical figure, yet they call him 'Mousey Dung'?* What's up with that?

I managed to conceal a smile as he left. Then I struck up a conversation with the proprietor.

"Your sign says 'Ole Olsson's Chinese Laundry'. How did that come about?"

and so he told me the story....

"My grandfather took a circuitous route to this country. For some reason, he came in through Ellis Island, instead of the west coast. He was next in line behind a group of immigrants who had just arrived from Sweden. They asked the third person in front of him for his name, which was Ole Olsson. Then they asked the second person in front of him for his name, which also was Ole Olsson. The guy in front of him was named Ole Olsson too. Finally, it was my grandfather's turn, and he gave them his name, which was Sam Ting."





* credit to the cartoonist Kliban for the Mao pun
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

Are a couple of Chem E's on a hot date a thermocouple?

If she resists his overtures is she a thermistor?

And one more...

If the Preds shoot wide, do they have a case of the Yips???
 
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Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

So a person walks into a Native American bar and orders a triple Manhattan.

"That'll be $72," replies the bartender.
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

If you saw a guy with red hair working in a bakery, would he be a ginger bread man?
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

A proper English lady was on a tour in a South American country many years ago. She asked the tour guide about the new arena at the edge of town.

Proudly, the tour guide explained that this was their new bull-fighting ring, and how bull-fighting was their favorite national pastime.

The woman replied, "Oh, my...isn't that revolting?"

"No, No," answered the tour guide. "That's our second-favorite pastime!"
 
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Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. His legacy will become a pizza history.
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

If a peeping Tom submits a paper for publication in an academic journal, is it subject to peer review?
 
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