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Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

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Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

The bald man's daughter gave him a comb for a present.

He was so touched, he said he'd never part with it.
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

When I first heard the term "xenophobia" (say it quickly), I thought it was the fear of warrior princesses.
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can
stop any time.
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

FreshFish said:
ask his wife, it's hirsute. (her suit) ugh. sorry.
Click to expand...

FF-It is just no good when you have to explain them. Just throw them out there and see what happens. If they get the big groan-you know you have got something there.
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's *** and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

This just came in the E-mail. I apologize if some or all have been posted.

> I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
>
> When chemists die, they barium.
>
> Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .
>
> A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
> veteran.
>
> I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any
> time.
>
> How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
>
> I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
>
> This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
> never met herbivore.
>
> I'm reading a book about anti-gravity and I can't put it down.
>
> I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
>
> They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
>
> A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
>
> PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
>
> Energizer battery arrested. Charged with battery.
>
> I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
>
> How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
>
> When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
>
> What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
>
> I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
>
> Broken pencils are pointless.
>
> I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
>
> What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
>
> England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
>
> I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
>
> I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
>
> All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.
> Police have nothing to go on.
>
> I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
>
> Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
>
> Velcro - what a rip off.
>
> Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
>
> Venison for dinner ? Oh deer.
>
> Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
>
> I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
>
> I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.
>
> Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

Great listing Ralph-some have indeed been posted here but some are just plain brilliant. This one- All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.
Police have nothing to go on.- wasvery similar to a headline from many years ago that my parents had saved from a local paper called the Brooklyn Eagle. The headline back then was only slightly different-"Some toilets stolen form Brooklyn's 63rd Precinct, Police have nothing to go on". some things are just funny forever.:D
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

There was an academically-challenged person who tried really hard yet never could quite "get it" no matter how much he worked at it.

He came home really excited one day, he received an A+ on his blood test and he hardly studied at all for it.
 
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