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Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

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Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

FreshFish said:
Okay, I have the setup and the punchline but the middle needs work....anyone who can improve this, please do so!


There's a dispute between a former Olympic 7-time gold medalist in swimming and a flock of small birds, and while it is a blur of hard-to-see activity at first, eventually the former swimmer wins, leading us to conclude that we know who's Spitz and who's swallows.
Click to expand...

FF-I can only give that a 55. It has a decent beat but it is hard to dance to. Shows effort but not up to your usual efforts (which sometimes are roaringly funny)
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

DrDemento said:
FF-I can only give that a 55. It has a decent beat but it is hard to dance to. Shows effort but not up to your usual efforts (which sometimes are roaringly funny)
Click to expand...

yeah, it is a work in process. I'm hoping someone else can help shape it up.

For some reason I recall a book of riddles that I was given as a present when I was about six.

"What's big, and red, and eats rocks?"

-- a big red rock-eater.

don't know why I thought that was funny. Still do though.
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

FreshFish said:
yeah, it is a work in process. I'm hoping someone else can help shape it up.

For some reason I recall a book of riddles that I was given as a present when I was about six.

"What's big, and red, and eats rocks?"

-- a big red rock-eater.

don't know why I thought that was funny. Still do though.
Click to expand...

Perhaps if it's big, red, and eats rocks in Vegas, it'd be a big Red Rock eater. ;)
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

So who remembers Gilda Radner's "Emily Litella" character from the early Saturday Night Live?


"I keep hearing people say that this year's election is really important, and so I've been trying to read up on the candidates....but I can't find anything anywhere about this "Warren Women" person. Everyone is complaining about the terrible things Warren Women will do if elected, yet I can't find a single thing to read about him anywhere! All my searches come up with is a service saying 'we can help you find Warren Women' but then when I go there to try to find him, I can't find anyone who is running for a major political office.

"So I ask you, who is 'Warren Women' and why is everyone conspiring to keep his background secret? and why.... uh, what's that you say, Jane? What? oh, never mind....."
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

I didn't know they had bikinis in the 18th century! Yet Bach composed a piece called Air on a G String. Must be a fun number to play. ;)


EDIT: for those three who actually are familiar with the tune, it would make great background music for a super-slo mo panning shot across the appropriate, cough, ahem, "landscape" so to speak.
 
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Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

While this might not seem a traditional "pun" it sort of is a meta-pun, no?

"Did you know the word 'gullible' isn't in the dictionary?" a childhood friend once asked us. We were sure he was lying, and we opened the dictionary, looked it up, and proved it. Poor guy had never been so humiliated.
Click to expand...
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

FreshFish said:
So who remembers Gilda Radner's "Emily Litella" character from the early Saturday Night Live?


"I keep hearing people say that this year's election is really important, and so I've been trying to read up on the candidates....but I can't find anything anywhere about this "Warren Women" person. Everyone is complaining about the terrible things Warren Women will do if elected, yet I can't find a single thing to read about him anywhere! All my searches come up with is a service saying 'we can help you find Warren Women' but then when I go there to try to find him, I can't find anyone who is running for a major political office.

"So I ask you, who is 'Warren Women' and why is everyone conspiring to keep his background secret? and why.... uh, what's that you say, Jane? What? oh, never mind....."
Click to expand...

OH!
Liawatha!
I've heard of her.
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

So Pat and Mike were talking about the Presidential election (sigh, you just cannot escape it these days...:( )

So Pat asks Mike, "who are you going to vote for?"

and Mike replies, "The Irish guy, of course!"
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

FreshFish said:
So Pat and Mike were talking about the Presidential election (sigh, you just cannot escape it these days...:( )

So Pat asks Mike, "who are you going to vote for?"

and Mike replies, "The Irish guy, of course!"
Click to expand...
On election day, don't forget to vote. Vote for the Kennedy of your choice, but vote!
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

So, if you are comparing insects, and one resembles a night-flying Lepidoptera more than another, would you call it "moth-er"?
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

This one comes to you courtesy of Elton John:

Elton John apologized to a fashionable crowd for his sensible suit at his Elton John AIDS Foundation’s An Enduring Vision Benefit at Cipriani Wall Street. John told the crowd that he left his favorite rhinestone jacket in LA by accident, and called his housekeeper and asked her to find the “rhinestone jacket in the cupboard and mail it straight away.” But the housekeeper e-mailed back, “There is no jacket designed by Ryan Stone in the cupboard.” Elton offered the crowd “my sartorial apologies” for wearing a simple black suit.
Click to expand...
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

I went out drinking last night with one of my Asian friends, Tai Wun Ahn.


We were discussing some of the vagaries of the English language.

Do you call a person who practices courtesy, a courtesan?


or what do you call a person who makes allegations?


or if the opposite of inhale is exhale, and the opposite of interior is exterior, what is the opposite of increment?


the opposite of increment is decrement, btw
 
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Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

FreshFish said:
I went out drinking last night with one of my Asian friends, Tai Wun Ahn.


We were discussing some of the vagaries of the English language.

Do you call a person who practices courtesy, a courtesan?


or what do you call a person who makes allegations?


or if the opposite of inhale is exhale, and the opposite of interior is exterior, what is the opposite of increment?
Click to expand...

The opposite of "pro" is "con", that fact is clearly seen: If progress means move forward, then what does congress mean?
 
Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

Okay, I think this one is allowable as a meta-pun.

Our setting is the Papal Court sometime during the Middle Ages. The Pope is holding audience. He has a commanding presence, serene and secure in his authority, yet as a human being he also misses the give and take that accompanies a good theological discussion. He yearns to find someone to debate with him, but the Cardinals are all so cowed by the combination of his brilliance and his authority that they uniformly are unworthy opponents.

Now, it is a truism that, in any age, the lowest caste of that age often fills the job typically descrbed as "janitor." So it was for our story. This being the Middle Ages, our janitor, Max, is Jewish.

The Pope, knowing that Max is of a different faith, decides to engage him in theological debate. He calls Max forward. Max stops, standing in front of the Pope.

The Pope spreads his arms wide, expansively.
Max stamps his foot and points to the ground.

The Pope nods, approvingly. He holds up one finger.
Max holds up three fingers.

A flicker of a smile crosses the Papal lips.

The Pope reaches into his robe and takes out an apple.
Max reaches into his lunchpail and takes out some matzo.

The Pope smiles again and thanks Max for the debate.

Max walks away.


The cardinals all crowd around the Pope, clamoring for a translation. Finallly, the Pope relents, and explains:
"I said, 'God is all around us.'
"He replied, 'and the Devil is down below.'
"I observed, 'you believe in one God.'
"He replied, 'you believe he has three manifestations.'
"Finally, I asked him if be believed the world was round, 'like this apple.'
"He replied [this being the Middle Ages] that the world was flat."​
and the cardinals all oohed and aahed over the brilliance of it all.



That evening, Max returns home and his wife asks him how his day went.
"ya know, honey, it was really weird."
-- how so?
"well, that bigshot 'Pope' guy who runs the place, he comes up to me and he says, "get out of here!"
-- so I tell him, 'No, I'm staying right here!.' I really put my foot down even!
"then he says to me 'uppa yours!'
-- so I say right back to him, 'uppa YOURS three times!'
then he pulls out his lunch, I pull out my lunch, he walks away. Weird, huh?"​
 
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Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

This may be better....

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans including a southerner a New Englander, and a Californian, an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d' "but you can't come in here without a Thai".
 
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