Gear Grinding 9: I Need a Wine!

[St. Clown]

Re: Gear Grinding 9: I Need a Wine!

I knew they were expensive. Not this expensive.

Food and venue is going to be the cost of what I thought was going to be the cost of the entire out-the-door wedding cost.

Yeah, the average wedding costs about $30K right now. It's nuts. He's a quick reference site with some cost figures by some large cities, and some info that might help (aggravating info at the top, helpful links at the bottom).

 

[leswp1]

Re: Gear Grinding 9: I Need a Wine!

I knew they were expensive. Not this expensive.

Food and venue is going to be the cost of what I thought was going to be the cost of the entire out-the-door wedding cost.

Went to a wonderful wedding this past weekend. SO refreshing! In lieu of wedding favors they had a little sign on the table saying they'd made a donation to a particular charity. No altar or church flowers (the church had serial weddings that day so wonder if they weren't allowed), reception table center pieces provided by venue- beautiful, elegant and not fresh flowers, no save the date doo-dah. It was refreshing to have it be about the wedding and not about about the 'wedding production'. Probably one of the best wedding we have been to in awhile.

Can't say what it is like around you but around here couples seem to be sucked in by all the marketing. They are convinced that they need to do all sorts of stuff and that list increases every season. Save the date stuff, expensive gifts for attendants, expensive wedding favors, decorating the church to the point of insanity, napkins/glasses that have the couples 'logo', theme wedding with all sorts of props, photo booths, etc. Then you have the destination bachelor/ette stuff, the pre parties, the post wedding breakfast, the dresses that are a million bucks, attendants dresses & shoes for the wedding then different shoes for the reception that all have to match. Really expensive gourmet food. Appetizers, meal, then junk food- sliders, pizza at the end of the reception.

If I had to get married now I would go mad. Every little detail is overblown and people seem to think more and more things are 'necessary' that no one really needs or cares about. Some people enjoy planning and have things that really mean something to them- good for them! But not everyone does and it seems like there is a ridiculous amount of self imposed pressure to make it a staged theater production instead of walking down the aisle. Use those $ to start life together (or let your parents remain solvent for retirement). I wonder how many stop to think if anyone will care if they didn't happen (or if people even noticed they did x) a year from now.

 

[Slap Shot]

Re: Gear Grinding 9: I Need a Wine!

$30k? ffs

Granted it was 1997 but I didn't spend $15k which included 1st class round-trip tickets for my family to Bangkok (and iirc was alone half the $15k spent), the wedding, the reception (served meals not a buffet, multiple ice sculptures, 3-piece string quartet followed by a band, an open bar, etc.) and our honeymoon. Wedding rings were separate.

 

[SJHovey]

Re: Gear Grinding 9: I Need a Wine!

Went to a wonderful wedding this past weekend. SO refreshing! In lieu of wedding favors they had a little sign on the table saying they'd made a donation to a particular charity. No altar or church flowers (the church had serial weddings that day so wonder if they weren't allowed), reception table center pieces provided by venue- beautiful, elegant and not fresh flowers, no save the date doo-dah. It was refreshing to have it be about the wedding and not about about the 'wedding production'. Probably one of the best wedding we have been to in awhile.

Can't say what it is like around you but around here couples seem to be sucked in by all the marketing. They are convinced that they need to do all sorts of stuff and that list increases every season. Save the date stuff, expensive gifts for attendants, expensive wedding favors, decorating the church to the point of insanity, napkins/glasses that have the couples 'logo', theme wedding with all sorts of props, photo booths, etc. Then you have the destination bachelor/ette stuff, the pre parties, the post wedding breakfast, the dresses that are a million bucks, attendants dresses & shoes for the wedding then different shoes for the reception that all have to match. Really expensive gourmet food. Appetizers, meal, then junk food- sliders, pizza at the end of the reception.

If I had to get married now I would go mad. Every little detail is overblown and people seem to think more and more things are 'necessary' that no one really needs or cares about. Some people enjoy planning and have things that really mean something to them- good for them! But not everyone does and it seems like there is a ridiculous amount of self imposed pressure to make it a staged theater production instead of walking down the aisle. Use those $ to start life together (or let your parents remain solvent for retirement). I wonder how many stop to think if anyone will care if they didn't happen (or if people even noticed they did x) a year from now.

I think this is an excellent post, especially the last sentence. I've been to a ton of weddings in the last two years due to the fact that our girls are all in their twenties, so there are a lot of friends getting married. I remember very little about the receptions of any of them, other than I was there.

Our oldest got married two years ago in the Twin Cities, and dx is right, it is expensive. But there are some things you can do (and our daughter did) to dramatically lessen that expense.

Shop around regarding venues. Off-peak prices are dramatically different than say the third Saturday in June.

Find places that will let you bring in your own alcohol. We did that and bought everything at Total Wine. Total Wine will let you bring back for a refund everything that isn't consumed.

There are a ton of little cost-saving measures that will really add up.

 

[melmac]

Re: Gear Grinding 9: I Need a Wine!

Went to a wonderful wedding this past weekend. SO refreshing! In lieu of wedding favors they had a little sign on the table saying they'd made a donation to a particular charity. No altar or church flowers (the church had serial weddings that day so wonder if they weren't allowed), reception table center pieces provided by venue- beautiful, elegant and not fresh flowers, no save the date doo-dah. It was refreshing to have it be about the wedding and not about about the 'wedding production'. Probably one of the best wedding we have been to in awhile.

Can't say what it is like around you but around here couples seem to be sucked in by all the marketing. They are convinced that they need to do all sorts of stuff and that list increases every season. Save the date stuff, expensive gifts for attendants, expensive wedding favors, decorating the church to the point of insanity, napkins/glasses that have the couples 'logo', theme wedding with all sorts of props, photo booths, etc. Then you have the destination bachelor/ette stuff, the pre parties, the post wedding breakfast, the dresses that are a million bucks, attendants dresses & shoes for the wedding then different shoes for the reception that all have to match. Really expensive gourmet food. Appetizers, meal, then junk food- sliders, pizza at the end of the reception.

If I had to get married now I would go mad. Every little detail is overblown and people seem to think more and more things are 'necessary' that no one really needs or cares about. Some people enjoy planning and have things that really mean something to them- good for them! But not everyone does and it seems like there is a ridiculous amount of self imposed pressure to make it a staged theater production instead of walking down the aisle. Use those $ to start life together (or let your parents remain solvent for retirement). I wonder how many stop to think if anyone will care if they didn't happen (or if people even noticed they did x) a year from now.

What we did, because we wanted to:
*We did save the dates, but I designed and printed them myself. That’s because it was a holiday weekend “destination” wedding. (Quotes because it was in Houghton.)
*Bachelor/ette activities were worked into the off day of the F4 in 2011. Guys went out downtown, girls holed up in a hotel room with wine and snacks. All very low key. Except for Brent...
*We didn’t decorate the church; didn’t see a need to.
*My sister made the bouquets, boutonnières, table centerpieces, and cake topper.
*We did a small tiered cake for cutting and the head table, sheet cake for everyone else with the same flavors, which we served before dinner. It was in honor of the hubster’s grandpa who was of the opinion that life is short, eat dessert first.
*We got simple beer mugs as gifts for all our guests; no engraving. I also used them as our seating chart; tied tags with name and table number to them.
*I made an activity sheet for each person to fill out in place of a guest book, and provided inexpensive multicolor pens to fill it out with. We collected the pages and put them in an album. RobGreen still wins for best self portrait. (It also cut down on the number of glass clinkings. )
*We had a plated meal (three meal choices - beef, chicken, veg), and open bar. We felt that because everyone had to haul themselves up to the UP to celebrate with us, and have to pay for hotel rooms, they should be treated to a fine meal and good drinks. And because of our location, it was sick how inexpensive it was. Also, we had less than 100 guests attend. So that helped, I’m sure.
*We had late night snacks, but that’s because open bar. I think we might have had appetizers, too, but I don’t remember. If we did, it was just because we knew we’d be coming in later after pictures, and wanted people to be able to munch on something before dinner.
*Our photographers weren’t cheap, but they were with us the night before, all day our wedding day, and for about half the day the next day. Well worth it.
*Our DJ did a fine job, and wasn’t ridiculously expensive.

In all, it was what we wanted, and not really outrageous in our estimation.

What I remember most was the ceremony. We had the organist as the hubster’s old church do the music. The pastor had been the associate pastor at that same church before taking the call to this one in Houghton. My buddy and my FIL did the scripture readings. One of my best friends gave the message; she was an ordained pastor, but was there unofficially. We served communion; Brent didn’t get struck down by lightning. Hubster and I didn’t see each other before the ceremony, so the first look was truly that. He got teary eyed; I almost stopped in my tracks, blown away by how handsome he looked in his kilt and all that.

The only regret we have is that we didn’t have anyone video the ceremony. My friend ended up passing away the following March. Had we made sure someone recorded the ceremony, I could have watched it again and again when I find myself missing her. However, she did give me her handwritten notes. So I have that, at least.

 

[aparch]

$30k? ffs

Yup.

My wife has worked for two different "boutique hotels" (read: old hotels not owned by big chains that have charm that sell themselves to guests) as a wedding coordinator, and both have food and beverage minimums that well exceed 20k for the event rental. Even with that expense, you're still paying above that to hire a DJ, florist, decorations beyond the basics the facility has, pastor, church/ceremony location (if not utilizing banquet hall space for ceremony).

Also, most of these facilities are paid upfront. My wife had a bride and her father call trying to cancel the wedding after her fiance called it off four weeks before the wedding. They were one payment shy of having the venue paid off. The venue's policy was no refunds.

Thus, the should-have-been Bride had one b*tchin' New Years Eve party for her, her immediate family, and about 100 friends.

 

[aparch]

What we did, because we wanted to:

Very similar to how my wife and I planned our wedding as well. We did a LOT of things ourselves. Our dinner wasn't quite as fancy as yours though.

 

[leswp1]

Re: Gear Grinding 9: I Need a Wine!

That sounds wonderful!
That is what I meant by people enjoying the planning. I hear a lot of "we have to do this" not because they want to do it or want to think about it as a special touch but because they think it is expected. The list of 'expected' around my parts is ridiculous and much of it involves spending $ on what people throw away or don't really care about.

 

[leswp1]

Re: Gear Grinding 9: I Need a Wine!

Yup.

My wife has worked for two different "boutique hotels" (read: old hotels not owned by big chains that have charm that sell themselves to guests) as a wedding coordinator, and both have food and beverage minimums that well exceed 20k for the event rental. Even with that expense, you're still paying above that to hire a DJ, florist, decorations beyond the basics the facility has, pastor, church/ceremony location (if not utilizing banquet hall space for ceremony).

Also, most of these facilities are paid upfront. My wife had a bride and her father call trying to cancel the wedding after her fiance called it off four weeks before the wedding. They were one payment shy of having the venue paid off. The venue's policy was no refunds.

Thus, the should-have-been Bride had one b*tchin' New Years Eve party for her, her immediate family, and about 100 friends.

 

[dxmnkd316]

Re: Gear Grinding 9: I Need a Wine!

If we went with even a tier 3 venue it would still be north of $20k. We’re going with something around tier 2 or “2.5”. Our tier 1 venue we looked at was around $10k for the space before food. (We saw a few online that were more than that!!!) The one we’re going with is including a Buttercream cake, an hour of bar, and a couple other upgrades. One price, no need to interview every vendor.

We’re also doing off peak. Trying to keep the guest list short.

We are opting for a good photographer. Which is pricey, but iafter dress and venue, it’s the highest priority.

But the venue costs are insane. We’re doing it at one location, so that’s saving some money so we don’t have to pay two venues. Since our church isn’t really setup for what we’re looking for in terms of a ceremony, we also find it hard to find a “pretty” spot without it costing two assloads of money. I know “pretty” is relative, but settling for something affordable means you get have some pretty big concessions.

The problem is, if you want to go cheaper you HAVE to do things like a pig roast for food. Plus, there are very few venues willing to let you cater outside of their preferred list. I’ve seen the pig roast really well-executed, but we don’t have time to review every venue.

Part of our issue is that we’re getting hitched later in life and still want kids. So we can’t wait for off peak pricing AND review tons of venues. We also want to have something a little nicer than the banquet hall at the VFW.

 

[St. Clown]

Re: Gear Grinding 9: I Need a Wine!

I think this is an excellent post, especially the last sentence. I've been to a ton of weddings in the last two years due to the fact that our girls are all in their twenties, so there are a lot of friends getting married. I remember very little about the receptions of any of them, other than I was there.

Our oldest got married two years ago in the Twin Cities, and dx is right, it is expensive. But there are some things you can do (and our daughter did) to dramatically lessen that expense.

Shop around regarding venues. Off-peak prices are dramatically different than say the third Saturday in June.

Find places that will let you bring in your own alcohol. We did that and bought everything at Total Wine. Total Wine will let you bring back for a refund everything that isn't consumed.

There are a ton of little cost-saving measures that will really add up.

I was married last year. The actual cost of our wedding was around $10,000-$11,000, and the remainder of the costs assigned to the wedding were actually the rings and honeymoon expenses, and we kept the whole thing to under $20k.

Savings costs: we did not have flowers up and down the church aisles; we did not have a giant banquet, rather my wife traded of favors and made some charitable donations to the groups that helped us (her) for food, also hit up some friends for decorating help, and then used family connections for some other food and drinks as her brother owns a bar.

The expensive bits were the photographer, the food (even with all the contacts), the band (another contact - her cousin has an excellent local band). We had some donated promotional supplies used for making the MN State Fair themed reception - she's crazy for the fair and reached out to their promo department. With that in mind, we had various stands set up everywhere for food, drinks, and a Kidway games area. People loved it because it wasn't the standard MN reception where everybody's at their assigned seats, listening to toast after toast of stories that just bore them, and instead they're just milling around and talking with whoever else was near them.

 

[leswp1]

Re: Gear Grinding 9: I Need a Wine!

I read that and think thank God when we got married people didn't even think of all this stuff. At the time we were getting hitched most venues offered packages that included everything= photog, invitations, cake, centerpieces, flowers, food, DJ. We just had to get the church.

 

[St. Clown]

Re: Gear Grinding 9: I Need a Wine!

The problem is, if you want to go cheaper you HAVE to do things like a pig roast for food. Plus, there are very few venues willing to let you cater outside of their preferred list. I’ve seen the pig roast really well-executed, but we don’t have time to review every venue.

Divine Swine out of Lakeville for the pig. My SIL and BIL used them for their wedding, and it was great.

 

[SJHovey]

Re: Gear Grinding 9: I Need a Wine!

If we went with even a tier 3 venue it would still be north of $20k. We’re going with something around tier 2 or “2.5”. Our tier 1 venue we looked at was around $10k for the space before food. (We saw a few online that were more than that!!!) The one we’re going with is including a Buttercream cake, an hour of bar, and a couple other upgrades. One price, no need to interview every vendor.

We’re also doing off peak. Trying to keep the guest list short.

We are opting for a good photographer. Which is pricey, but iafter dress and venue, it’s the highest priority.

But the venue costs are insane. We’re doing it at one location, so that’s saving some money so we don’t have to pay two venues. Since our church isn’t really setup for what we’re looking for in terms of a ceremony, we also find it hard to find a “pretty” spot without it costing two assloads of money. I know “pretty” is relative, but settling for something affordable means you get have some pretty big concessions.

The problem is, if you want to go cheaper you HAVE to do things like a pig roast for food. Plus, there are very few venues willing to let you cater outside of their preferred list. I’ve seen the pig roast really well-executed, but we don’t have time to review every venue.

Part of our issue is that we’re getting hitched later in life and still want kids. So we can’t wait for off peak pricing AND review tons of venues. We also want to have something a little nicer than the banquet hall at the VFW.

I'd have to go back and look, but I didn't think our venue cost for our daughter was anywhere near that. She had the ceremony and reception at 413 on Wacouta in downtown St. Paul, and it was a spectacular location.

https://www.413onwacouta.com/

 

[mookie1995]

Re: Gear Grinding 9: I Need a Wine!

Crazy money for something you’ll probably do another 2x in your life

Keep it - Simple.....

....and ask yourselves, “how many times will we look at those pictures?”

 

[dxmnkd316]

Re: Gear Grinding 9: I Need a Wine!

I'd have to go back and look, but I didn't think our venue cost for our daughter was anywhere near that. She had the ceremony and reception at 413 on Wacouta in downtown St. Paul, and it was a spectacular location.

https://www.413onwacouta.com/

Thanks for the tip. Pricing looks similar to our venue. I think we might have looked at this venue online. Not sure what ended up causing us to skip it.

Regarding my 20k number, I meant total cost of everything from venue, food, all the way down to party gifts, rehearsal, etc.

But before tip, tax, etc., our venue and food is like $15.5k at 175 guests. But we’re trying to get that closer to 150. Includes cake and an hour of bar. It’s everything else that adds up to the bigger number. Dress, photographer, etc. That’s $3k-6k right there. We have some contacts but not as extensive as we were hoping. I’m also not big on asking for friends and family pricing. I shouldn’t be so hesitant, but those people are also running a business. I don’t want them to be in an uncomfortable situation having to say no.

 

[St. Clown]

Re: Gear Grinding 9: I Need a Wine!

I’m also not big on asking for friends and family pricing. I shouldn’t be so hesitant, but those people are also running a business. I don’t want them to be in an uncomfortable situation having to say no.

When asking for help, you have to make sure to tell them that you are not asking them to lose money, that the price should still cover more than their costs (however you can think to say that tactfully), and that you'll handle processes X, Y, and Z if it'll make it easier, and you think that you can handle it.

I don't like asking for help like that either, and thankfully didn't have to do it myself. I did listen to my wife as she made some of her calls, and she/we made sure that people did not lose money while helping us. We always made sure to cover the costs and a little extra.

Another way to have some of this handled, and this is how the bouquets were handled (along with a few other things), is that a couple women went in together to buy the flowers at the farmers market, and then they made the bouquets. That was their wedding gift to us. And since we weren't doing flowers for the church or the reception tables I don't think it was an exorbitantly priced gift on their end.

 

[WisconsinWildcard]

Re: Gear Grinding 9: I Need a Wine!

Married 3 weeks ago. ~25K with everything. All I cared about was an open bar and live band which did bring up the price. It was a great time but man...that would go a ways for a downpayment to a house.

 

[dxmnkd316]

Re: Gear Grinding 9: I Need a Wine!

Married 3 weeks ago. ~25K with everything. All I cared about was an open bar and live band which did bring up the price. It was a great time but man...that would go a ways for a downpayment to a house.

Congrats (belated )

That last sentence was kind of how I feel. THis could be a new car. This could be giant nestegg to start a college fund. We're basically just having a big money bonfire but with tons of stress. That being said, I want to have a great party as well. Thank god I've been saving every point on my credit card and rewards accounts the last several years. We'll be able to get a two-week honeymoon in Europe for the price of meals. I'm very much looking forward to that.

 

[bostonewe]

Re: Gear Grinding 9: I Need a Wine!

Crazy money for something you’ll probably do another 2x in your life
Keep it - Simple.....
....and ask yourselves, “how many times will we look at those pictures?”

We got married 5 years ago and I still look at my pictures every few months. Plus, my grandmother died a few months after our wedding and, while she was suffering from severe dementia, she was able to attend our wedding and those are the last happy memories I have with her (okay...literally tearing up, so moving on).

dx - I don't have to much to offer for money saving that hasn't already been offered. We did fake flowers (real ones can cause me to get super watery eyed and sniffly), which helped cut on cost. And our table decorations were also our favors - we did rectangle vases with battery operated Christmas lights mixed in with colored stones and topped with bags of flour (the bags were the gift) with recipes on them - almond flour, coconut flour, and potato flour. Matt and I had watched "Stranger than Fiction" and Will Farrell brings Maggie Gyllenhaal's character flours (instead of flowers). On long tables, we included toys from Doctor Who and Harry Potter that we got on Amazon. So our flower and flour budget was small. (link to photos from our wedding if you're interested - there are pictures of our centerpieces, our invites/programs. the PW is Sarah)

We also had a small wedding - only 69 guests actually game (we had 75 RSVP yes, but Matt's cousin was killed 10 days before our wedding and a friend of our's wife and kid were a no show).
I didn't do bridesmaids' gifts (Matt bought each of the 4 groomsman a bottle of Laphroaig) and our respective stag/hen parties were low key (I had a pedicure with my 3 bridesmaids and we went out for a nice dinner and overnighted at one of their places; Matt had a 6 course Bourbon/Bacon/Steak themed dinner at a local restaurant). We were married at our rehearsal in the morning (legally in NH you have to be married by a JP or clergy and JPs are elected positions ) and Matt's sister read the ceremony we wrote - which was actually nice because regardless of anything that might happen at the ceremony, we were already married legally.

We didn't do a cake - I don't know if that's something to consider. The cost of the cake, plus a "cutting fee per piece" was a deterrent. And wedding cakes are rarely so good that it justifies the expense. We had an ice cream sundae bar.
We went with a local printer for our invites, which we designed ourselves and did Vistaprint for our STDs, programs, and thank you notes.

Our guest book was a framed photo from our engagement photos (which was all included in our photo package for the wedding) - people signed the mat. We also DIY-ed our cardbox (it was a cube from Portal).

As a bridesmaid for another wedding, we had bottles of wine and assembled boutonnieres, bouquets, and centerpieces the night before while watching silly movies. It was actually kind of fun.

Honestly, it's a pain and expensive, but it's worth it. We had so much fun and I look back at the photos and think about it often.