Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.
FUTILE FOUR SEMIFINAL #1
Vermont vs UAH
The ADT cameras have been fixed to the rafters and walls, and we can now see that DHL has delivered two large shipping containers to the parking lot of the DiPietro Rink in Baltimore. The city has stopped any access to the park website, so no other information can be obtained by the general public. I can report that thanks to a donation of tailgate tents from an anonymous donor from Anne Arundel County, the teams are passing through a makeshift disinfecting wash on their way inside the facility. They’re being sprayed at three stations – Bactine, hydrogen peroxide, and 151 dark rum.
Kevin Sneddon took his place on the bench, only to be told that due to Maryland’s social distancing requirements, he would have to hang from the rafters above. Mike Corbett had already scaled the metal frame and staked out a spot.
The officials determined that they would also keep a safe distance from all players. And to keep the players apart, each one was issued a 7 foot long stick to use in the game. Anyone getting closer than that would be immediately assessed a game misconduct, because the penalty box would create a situation that broke the guidelines. The benches were extended to permit a safe distance between players not on the ice, and backup goaltenders were not permitted in the bench areas. All faceoffs were to be conducted by an unmanned drone which would drop the puck from above.
The first period began with all the players trying in vain to use their extra length sticks. UAH’s Max Coyle flipped the puck high into the rafters but found a gap where it hit no metal, staying in play. Austin Beaulieu kept his spacing and slid face first into the slot to retrieve it, sweeping his stick in one motion and swatting the puck deftly into the goal behind Stefanos Lekkas. It was the only score of the period, but not the only entry on the scoresheet. When the clock expired and the teams started skating for the gate to the locker room, both of them forgot about the distancing penalty and crowded up at the door. The referees announced over the PA system that all but four players on each team had violated the rule and were assessed game misconducts. This included both starting goalies.
When the second period started, these were the only players left for each team:
UAH – Jack Jeffers, Bailey Newton, Brandon Salerno, George McBey
Vermont – Thomas Beretta, Jacques Boucout, Carter Long, Tyler Harmon
McBey and Harmon took over in the pipes for their respective teams. UVM’s Boucout directed traffic from his end of the ice and started spinning around like a helicopter with his stick extended, and the Charger players watched in amazement as he spun faster and faster. That was enough of a distraction for Carter Long who sniped a long shot from 150 feet to even the score after 2.
In the third, neither team found much success. With six minutes left, a faceoff was about to happen near Harmon’s net when the puck careened wildly out of the zone. After reviewing the ADT security footage, it was determined that the referee drone had been hit by a 7 foot stick wielded by Kevin Sneddon (who had opened his mouth wide during the 151 dark rum disinfecting process, and was fully in the bag drunk) from his perch in the rafters. This was confirmed as he lost his grip and fell onto the ice surface while screaming “Shiiiiiiii…” on the way down. Suffering a concussion, he was helped off the ice by Beretta – who was immediately dismissed with a game misconduct. Protests were swift, with the Catamounts complaining that the rule only applied to players and not coaches. The referees compromised and reduced it to a five minute major. Despite their advantage, the Chargers couldn’t control the puck with their extended sticks long enough to get a scoring opportunity until Salerno broke free down the middle of the ice. Harmon stumbled on his retreat to the net, and with a great deke Salerno went around him and scored. But after reviewing the security footage, the officials determined that because his stick made contact with the goaltender above the blade on the follow-through, he must have been inside the limit on spacing – no goal, and Salerno was dismissed.
As Beretta’s penalty expired, he found the puck when he re-entered the ice surface. But as he turned up ice, Bailey Newton poked it away after Beretta’s initial touch pushed it far in front of him. Jeffers went hard for the loose puck with Long closing in, but the Charger had a surprise in store. Jeffers flipped his stick over, and used it to pole vault over the Catamount defender and break in alone. The seven foot stick ensured he kept the distance requirement over Long, who had slid face first. Jeffers stopped between the hash marks and loped a shot over Harmon with :17 left on the clock. UVM called for a replay to claim he was offside on the play, but the only angle the was definitive showed that the knob of the stick was the only thing in contact with the ice and it was outside the blue line.
UAH prevailed 2-1, and the concussed Sneddon would have to extend his career one more time in the final as Vermont “advanced”.
