FUTILE FOUR SEMIFINAL #2
Mary Jane vs. St. We're Not Catholics
An hour prior to the game, everyone was required to go through the previously-mentioned disinfection tents. For social distancing purposes, the assistant commish decided the refs and the players would be forced to wear extra-large Zorb bubble balls when on the ice. Since this would impede the use of sticks, those were eliminated and it was decided to use a larger foam puck the players would kick around, as well as 8'x 10' size nets.
Brent Brekke and Mike Haviland clambered up into the support beams, while the bench players spaced out along either side of the rink. The fireplace was stoked up and the players were informed that all penalties were to be served seated in the hearth. CC dutifully arrived with an 1/8 of Sour Diesel per player and enough special brownies for everyone. Unfortunately, Lisa Lillien served
Turnip the Disco Fries about 30 minutes before puck drop, and suddenly even the potheads weren't hungry anymore.
The first period began with lots of collisions and falls as both teams figured out the finer points of Zorb ball ice soccer. Keenan Suthers had a great chance alone in front of Matt Vernon's crease, but he was bowled over at the last second by Connor Mayer. CC scored first when a Ben Copeland kick from the top left circle deflected off Dylan Woolf's Zorb ball and into the lower corner of the net. The period would end 1-0 in favor of CC.
2 minutes into the second period, the first penalty was called on Tigers forward Andrew Gaus and he had to go sit in the fireplace. Tim Makowski tied the game on the ensuing power play when he slipped and fell, accidentally kicking the foam puck high up in the air. It bounced off Brekke and off the back of Vernon's Zorb ball, into the net. Brekke was credited with his first NCAA goal in over 25 years and ate a pilfered space brownie to celebrate. As Gaus returned to the CC bench, the rear part of his Zorb ball had partially melted from the heat of the fireplace, and it dripped melted plastic onto the ice surface. The players also violently coughed from the toxic fumes. This would cause skating complications for the rest of the period, which ended with both teams tied at 1.
The teams mutually agreed to play the third period with their goalies pulled for a sixth skater. After 10 minutes of this, freshman 'phenom' Josiah Slavin had scored twice for CC, while David Jankowski and Kaden Pickering had scored for St. Larry, leaving the score knotted at 3. At this point, the goalies re-entered the game. Suddenly, Haviland finished off a joint and flicked the roach down onto SLUt sieve Francis Boisvert's Zorb ball. Naturally, the committee couldn't afford real Zorb balls, so these were actually a Chinese knockoff version. The top of the ball briefly smouldered before exploding into flames, forcing Boisvert to hastily abandon it in the corner, where it melted all over the ice. As he dashed to the bench to try and get backup Daniel Mannella to enter the game in his place, Grant Cruikshank potted the eventual game winner.
CC wins by a final score of 4-3 and goes home, while SLUt advances to the Futile Four finale. As toxic fumes from the melted faux-Zorb ball filled the air, the arena was quickly vacated by both teams. The assistant commish left the plastic-infused ice and toxic air for the Boss Lady to deal with and went off in search of a blue crab feast on his own dime.
