Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.
My last post for a while. No cell service on Isle Royale. Oh. Wait. We have a sat phone. And a television crew. And blue skies and calm seas.
I must issue apologies to the Commish, to the tournament and its fans. I have really ******ed up. Big time. We met up with Jet Ski man and were loading beer, firearms and teams into the zodiacs. Players were required to travel dressed since there would be no changing rooms. No room for gear, we could cut down branches for sticks. Make pucks out of ice. 3 on 3 hockey, to keep down the number of players needing transport. No real nets in pond hockey, so no goalies. I had cleverly stashed bottles of Pink Whitney and Ketel One and a gun in my puffy and down my snow pants. I looked like the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man.
As we finished loading, I watched as trucks towing boats pulled up to the launch ramp. Real boats, not rubber rafts or jet skis, real friggin boats of every size. Happy people in various jerseys worn over their puffys poured from the trucks. Men, women and children(!) Surely this had nothing to do with us? As I watched in puzzlement, I noticed a big smirk on Frank's face. And then, to my unfolding horror, I watched as these happy people began loading their boats with tents,sleeping bags,grills,snow shovels,four real hockey nets,benches,big bags of real food (a violation of tournament rules),cases of beer, liquor and wine (wine? another violation),firewood,bags of sticks,sat phone,skate sharpening machine,pizza oven,patio heaters, several generators, sump pump (I know what that's for, you ********, you are going to make smooth ice),popcorn maker,an entire pickup truck load of toilet paper,scoreboard,a box of participation trophies,dasher boards and bleachers. An entire Schwann's truck drove onto one of the boats. Four guys carrying suit bags with ref clothes. One looked familiar but he had his hat flaps pulled down and I couldn't see all of his face. Two guys in Star Tribune swag, one carrying camera gear, including a lens as big as my thigh. A television crew.
When Frank slipped away from me yesterday, he called the Star Tribune and did an interview. He pulled out a copy of today's edition. There was a picture of him on the front page. The headline read "Frank Anzalone to hold Hockey Tournament on Isle Royale". I reached down my snowpants for the gun and pulled out a bottle of Pink Whitney instead. Never one to pass up vodka, I began chugging it. Frank tried to grab the bottle for a drink. With alcohol fueled strength, I pushed him down in the snow. I punched him in the face, but with choppers on, no damage was done. He laughed and said the boats were loaded with cases of Pink Whitney.
Reached into my puffy for another bottle and I pulled out the gun instead. Knowing this tournament was *** and I would never be asked to coordinate another I went to shoot myself. Two guys in Minnesota State sweaters grabbed the gun and held me while I cried and chugged vodka. Don't worry, be happy, it will all come right, we've got this covered, they said.
The Minnesotans were so delighted, so happy, so polite, so nice... I managed a weak smile.
The Jet Ski Guy and friends clambered aboard a boat and cracked beers. The entire Miami and Merrimack teams jumped aboard a cabin cruiser, holding growlers and pieces of Do North pizza. The three Miami goalies gave me the finger. A55hats. Frank bounded up the steps to a yacht. He was holding a glass of Johnny Walker Blue. I was bundled aboard a boat and shoved down into the cabin. Helpful hands pulled a t-shirt over my head. Imprinted on it : "Frank Anzalone's Futile Four 2020 Isle Royale State of Hockey" I blew my nose on it. I was handed a real glass glass with Pink Whitney on the rocks. And a plate of hot dish. **** you Frank! Two women in St, Clouud sweaters hugged me and said all was forgiven. f'in traitors, dumping the WCHA for a plate of nachos.
As the boats revved up their engines the TVv in the cabin flickered to life. WDIO in Duloth had pre-empted regular scheduled programming to go wall- to-- wall coverage of the tournement. They had just feenished a live interview with Frannk.
Freak has wrcked this tournament and my dreamn of seeing a Fffutile Four played, on Casino Royale. Hicup. Isle RRRoyale. Well, Frank and the Commish and JJM. Actually more the Commish and JJM. What were they thinking involving Frank in thiss
I stmbled sup top an waa seck. **** st, clouud fns hed my haair