Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.
BFB South Regional Semi-Final 2 from Mobile, AL
University of No Hardware vs. Dutch Ovens
Senior Union forward and leading scorer Anthony Rinaldi was issued an immediate game disqualification by the still-hangry assistant commish after he was discovered attempting to sneak a pizza into the rink for his pre-game meal. Yours truly confiscated the pizza for his own personal consumption, leaving the now cold sack of untouched Krystal sliders on the UHN bench as an in-game snack. Also, during the break between games, Portera learned that composite hockey sticks and top-flight pairs of skates cost $200+ each. As a cost-containment measure, he immediately had both teams' sticks and skates packed up and returned to the manufacturers for refund. He replaced them with equipment borrowed from the rental shop. Finally, since Portera spent a majority of the zamboni rental budget on his stupid clown mask, it was determined we could only afford to resurface three stripes of ice in a large 'S' shape.
The first period saw a flurry of sloppy early action as both teams adjusted to using their beat-up, factory-configured equipment and the inconsistent ice conditions. About 8 minutes in, it looked like the Kitties' Angus Crookshank was in alone on a breakaway, until he skated too close to the border between the resurfaced and not resurfaced ice, caught an edge, and went down. Union caught a break when the refs gave junior Wildcat forward Eric MacAdams five and a game for slewfooting with 6:13 to play. The vaunted #56 power play unit in the country went to work, and scored with 1:32 remaining when a Dylan Anhorn chip shot from the point deflected off a large divot in the bad stripe of ice and bounced up over the shoulder of Kitty Cat goaltender Mike Robinson. The period would end 1-0 in favor of Union, with shots 14-8 in favor of UHN.
Unfortunately for UHN, backup goaltender Ty Taylor ate all the Krystal sliders while sitting on the bench during the first period, and by the time the second started, the indigestion had settled in. Within minutes, he had his hapless squad's bench ensconced in a permanent fart cloud. This led to several UHN players trying to escape the bench all at once, and resulted in them being flagged for a too many men penalty with 12:11 remaining. Chaz Smedsrud scored for the Dutch Ovens on the ensuing powerplay. The remainder of the second was uneventful as the Kitties forced Taylor to sit at the opposite end of the bench while they all crowded around upwind.
During the second intermission, Portera decided he was bored with the lack of scoring. When he looked up how much goalie pads cost, he sent all of them back and made the goalies tie some extra pillows around their legs and shoulders.
To start the third, the Kitties made the decision to switch goalies. Mainly this was just to get Taylor away from the bench, but also because they suspected it might help keep Union out of their end of the rink. The strategy paid off, as Union couldn't bear the smell coming from their offensive zone and never got another close shot on net. Reduced to defending his net with pillows, junior Union goaltender Darion Hanson was unable to stop the No Hardware onslaught, and coughed up six goals. Frankly, your assistant commish was too tired to bother keeping the scoresheet at this point, and he was constantly distracted by Portera's complains about costs.
New Hampstah wins and goes home, whilst Union punches their ticket to the BFB South Regional Final with a final score of 6-2.
