Hey Amber Marie,
It's Amber Marie. There's been a whole lot of feelings this week. You've gone from depressed to angry and resentful to guilty to ashamed to grateful and relieved and back around again. This emotional Tilt A Whirl is going to kill you. And you know it.
What can you do differently, Amber Marie? The last four or five years have been hell for you. Even when you had stable housing and employment, you had significant injuries, one of which required life disrupting surgery. Thankfully, the surgery actually worked this time and you are back on your feet, literally.
Here's the thing, princess. It's going to take more than spite and classic Amber Marie willpower to fix this. You need outside help and support. Maybe call Network 180 and try to get a case manager and a supports coordinator. Conservatorships and guardianships don't always end up at a Britney Spears-level of hell, especially if the guardian is someone who's proven themselves. Remember how your Mom did it! No false pretenses, just love and the desire to do right by her people.
And you used to take stock in a certain book. It definitely wasn't "The Berenstein Bears Watch Too Much TV." Although that book was a classic. Anyway, that book said stuff like "lean not on your own understanding" and "what's easier to say? Your sins are forgiven or take up your mat and walk?" You've heard a lot of "your sins are forgiven" and have shut down most talk of "take up your mat and walk." Give it up, girlie. You need to stand up and do something.
"Take up your mat and walk" means building a home for you and Greyskull.
"Take up your mat and walk" means having a steady job and working a side job until you get your debts mostly cleared. Except your student loans- those are forever.
"Take up your mat and walk" means eating at home instead of constantly ending up in the Wendy's drive up or at the Meijer fried chicken counter. Prior to the advent of C-19, you were obsessed with cooking. You were posting your meals for the week and your seasonal meal goals. Your baking goals too. You can get some of that back.
"Take up your mat and walk" means realizing while you've made progress, you need to keep going. Remember, "mediocre" is translated as "middle peak." Someone who got halfway up the mountain and decided that was good enough. Are you gonna stop halfway up the mountain? Or plant the Mama Bear flag at the top?
And "take up your mat and walk" means standing in your own power. You are surrounded by pageant winners, endurance podium finishers, the owners and show runners of at least two drag companies, the entire crew at Rumors, an entire pack of feral queens from Kalamazoo, pastors, former board chairs with OOTL, and the supervisor team at DABSJ. Ahhhhh, Miss Sam, Jules,and Meghan. But how much more magical you would be if you stood in your own power for a change!
You'll be okay. I know you will.
I love you.
Amber Marie.
