The Good Thoughts and Prayers Needed Thread 2

[MissThundercat]

Stop scrambling for your dad and just look for yourself. You can love him all you want but trying to rescue him will drown you both. Do you still have your support people that were working with you before? If so I would recommend calling them and asking them to help you with a plan. That is what they are there for.

Eviction takes time. See if you can find someone who knows how long that would be. Most of the time eviction does not occur for some time.

Is there someone you can room with or sublet from? What ever you do I hope you sincerely consider not doing it with your dad. Anything you do will be under your name and if he decides to be helpless or screw things up it will be you that has the consequence. If I recall he already rec'd $ from his church to help with the taxes. He seems to be playing professional victim. You need help to not be a professional rescuer. (end of unsolicited advice)

Honestly, every solution I've come across is unpalatable and is asking me how do I want to die.

 

[SJHovey]

Re: The Good Thoughts and Prayers Needed Thread 2

Eviction takes time. See if you can find someone who knows how long that would be. Most of the time eviction does not occur for some time.

I wouldn't count on this.

Most states publish some sort of landlord/tenant rights pamphlet. Usually its the attorney general's office, or maybe the courts system. It'll give the basic steps and timeline.

However, if the notice to vacate has been given (sounds like it was, with a March 8 deadline), then usually what happens is a court proceeding if the person has not vacated. These court proceedings, in some states, happen quite quickly, usually within a couple of weeks. So if Bob isn't out by the 8th of March, he will probably receive a pleading that has been filed with the court notifying him of a court date, and that court date will be within a week or two, possibly. I wouldn't count on much more time than that. He should do a google search for tenants rights info for his state.

 

[leswp1]

Re: The Good Thoughts and Prayers Needed Thread 2

Honestly, every solution I've come across is unpalatable and is asking me how do I want to die.

This doesn't make me comfortable. I hope you are talking to your support team!

I wouldn't count on this.

Most states publish some sort of landlord/tenant rights pamphlet. Usually its the attorney general's office, or maybe the courts system. It'll give the basic steps and timeline.

However, if the notice to vacate has been given (sounds like it was, with a March 8 deadline), then usually what happens is a court proceeding if the person has not vacated. These court proceedings, in some states, happen quite quickly, usually within a couple of weeks. So if Bob isn't out by the 8th of March, he will probably receive a pleading that has been filed with the court notifying him of a court date, and that court date will be within a week or two, possibly. I wouldn't count on much more time than that. He should do a google search for tenants rights info for his state.

I was unsure. I know that most places it doesn't happen on the exact date but wasn't sure how long it took. Here it is erratic.

 

[FadeToBlack&Gold]

Re: The Good Thoughts and Prayers Needed Thread 2

Ran a quick search. It seems because Bob's dad owned the house, the city will likely be required to go through the formal eviction process, rather than the shorter one that landlords can use on renters. That means if they start the proceedings on the 8th, including the court date(s), Bob may have 4-6 weeks...but I still wouldn't count on it.

I'd also inform your dad he's on his own from here on out, with all the BS you've dealt with from him. You're both adults, and you've talked about getting away from him for years. This is your shot, and you should treat this incident as the last straw. If you don't do it now and just let him move in wherever you land, it will be that much harder to detach from him down the road. Don't grow a wishbone where a backbone ought to be.

 

[leswp1]

Re: The Good Thoughts and Prayers Needed Thread 2

Ran a quick search. It seems because Bob's dad owned the house, the city will likely be required to go through the formal eviction process, rather than the shorter one that landlords can use on renters. That means if they start the proceedings on the 8th, including the court date(s), Bob may have 4-6 weeks...but I still wouldn't count on it.

I'd also inform your dad he's on his own from here on out, with all the BS you've dealt with from him. You're both adults, and you've talked about getting away from him for years. This is your shot, and you should treat this incident as the last straw. If you don't do it now and just let him move in wherever you land, it will be that much harder to detach from him down the road. Don't grow a wishbone where a backbone ought to be.

good advice

 

[MissThundercat]

Re: The Good Thoughts and Prayers Needed Thread 2

In 2014, his church bailed him out.
In 2015, a combination of my aunt (his sister) and his church bailed him out.
In 2016, no one could. But he knew that we'd have to leave since March, and apparently, posting that "Obama's a Muslim" and "liberals should be shot" to Facebook was more important than seeking shelter.
In 2017 already, he's given money to one of his friends, but not leaving himself enough to pay utilities/Internet. Constantly sticking his paws in my face, asking for cash.

Owes me money. Owes my aunt money. Apparently, has no desire to pay either of us back. Has no desire to get out of cab driving and at least get himself a Meijer door greeter job, or a gas station job, or anything that would give him a stable income.

Talked to my aunt today, and she agrees with you, that I can't bail him out any more.

But I also know this: my current credit situation isn't all that great. Most apartments that allow cats are out of my price range.I've been looking, and there are a couple apartment complexes where I can get an "income qualified" rate. So, for myself, I'll start there, and see what I can do.

As for the Human Paraquat: he's made his bed... time for him to take a nap.

 

[leswp1]

Re: The Good Thoughts and Prayers Needed Thread 2

In 2014, his church bailed him out.
In 2015, a combination of my aunt (his sister) and his church bailed him out.
In 2016, no one could. But he knew that we'd have to leave since March, and apparently, posting that "Obama's a Muslim" and "liberals should be shot" to Facebook was more important than seeking shelter.
In 2017 already, he's given money to one of his friends, but not leaving himself enough to pay utilities/Internet. Constantly sticking his paws in my face, asking for cash.

Owes me money. Owes my aunt money. Apparently, has no desire to pay either of us back. Has no desire to get out of cab driving and at least get himself a Meijer door greeter job, or a gas station job, or anything that would give him a stable income.

Talked to my aunt today, and she agrees with you, that I can't bail him out any more.

But I also know this: my current credit situation isn't all that great. Most apartments that allow cats are out of my price range.I've been looking, and there are a couple apartment complexes where I can get an "income qualified" rate. So, for myself, I'll start there, and see what I can do.

As for the Human Paraquat: he's made his bed... time for him to take a nap.

Glad you talked to your aunt. People like him are quite skilled at finding someone to care for them. It works for them so they see no need to change. Wouldn't surprise me if someone in his church 'rescued' him.

How did he get to be your responsibility? He is supposed to be the 'adult' in the relationship. It was his job to take responsibility for you, not the other way around. Somewhere in this it got mixed up.

Glad you are moving forward. When I moved I started by making a list of what I needed to take and could be packed right away vs what I would need until I moved. Once I figured that out I put the stuff I needed until I moved in the boxes (left open), then started packing the rest and sealing boxes.

You have people around you who have been there in the past. Ask them for help!

Saying a prayer for you!

 

[ericredaxe]

Re: The Good Thoughts and Prayers Needed Thread 2

Bob, sending you some positive vibe as you separate yourself from your dad. From what I have read on here, I agree it is the right thing to do.

 

[MissThundercat]

Re: The Good Thoughts and Prayers Needed Thread 2

Bob, sending you some positive vibe as you separate yourself from your dad. From what I have read on here, I agree it is the right thing to do.

He wants to talk. And I think by "talk," he's going to beg me to pay for all this and the answer is NO. Truth is, I'd like to sit down with him, his pastor, and the deacons from his church.

And also, I feel very much overwhelmed right now. Between this, a pattern of disordered eating that will not go away, trying to get used to a second shift job, putting pressure on myself to succeed at this job, and everything else... sigh.

 

[leswp1]

Re: The Good Thoughts and Prayers Needed Thread 2

He wants to talk. And I think by "talk," he's going to beg me to pay for all this and the answer is NO. Truth is, I'd like to sit down with him, his pastor, and the deacons from his church.

And also, I feel very much overwhelmed right now. Between this, a pattern of disordered eating that will not go away, trying to get used to a second shift job, putting pressure on myself to succeed at this job, and everything else... sigh.

Hang in there! You were brought up to respond to his manipulation and he knows how to push all the buttons. You are doing something healthy and it doesn't fit into his plan of being cared for.
Talk to him only if you have someone there who is firmly in your corner. Depending on how crazy his Pastor et al are you could consider talking to them by yourself and telling them you know he will need support because you have been advised you need to leave. And asking their support as you do what you need to do.

I had a patient once tell me something very powerful. They were being told by a 'person of Faith' that they should be suppressing their own needs to take care of a very dysfunctional family member. Another 'person of Faith' intervened and said- Jesus said you are supposed to love your neighbor as yourself. Listen to that. "as yourself". That means you are supposed to love yourself enough to take care of yourself. Not forget yourself or sacrifice yourself so others can be OK. That goes directly against what Jesus was teaching.

Good thing to remember when and if you get the thing about honor your Father, love your neighbor thing.

 

[MissThundercat]

Re: The Good Thoughts and Prayers Needed Thread 2

In terms of the pattern of disordered eating, it sounds like my doctor, counselor, and dietitian all want to talk to me.

For those who don't know... I was a fat kid, fat teenager, and a fat 20 something. Weighed 396 pounds in 2003, but started working it off thanks to mostly healthy eating and an amazing support system while at NMU. But after college, I continued to lose weight. In 2007, I weighed 200 pounds, and should have stopped there. Only 4 people told me to stop there, mostly coming from this board. The rest of my friends encouraged the weight loss, and sometime in 2008, weight loss became an all consuming thing. No sugar, hardly any fat, etc. In 2009, training for the River Bank Run 25K, the weight loss continued, and then I signed up for my first marathon. Weight loss continued, and in November 2009, I weighed 146.4 lbs. 6'2, and a walking stick figure. Truth be told, I wanted to take it down even further. The extreme lifestyle carried on, but in early 2010, the wheels started falling off. STRUGGLED in training for the River Bank Run, and on race day, hit the proverbial wall at mile 8 (halfway through) and I walked to the finish.

After the race, I went to Steak N Shake, because earlier I swore up and down I was going to eat a greasy cheeseburger. I did not eat a greasy cheeseburger. I ate an awfully lean salad with hot tea, and I sat there, thinking **** had to change. I had to start eating food.

Wake up call number 2 came a bit later in the year. Did my morning workout, then went to the lab to get some blood drawn. Got home from the lab, and got a phone call. My hemoglobin level was a mere 6, and I needed to get my *** to the ER. Spent that day in the ER, getting transfusions and poked and prodded.

Third wake up call came when my mom died. Realized all the calorie counting in the world wasn't going to prevent death from knocking at my door one day.

And here's why I need encouragement here. That behavior of calorie restriction and a preoccupation with weight loss... never fully disappeared from my life. No. It got shoved to the subconscious, where it hides and serves as a how-to manual every time the scale says something I don't like. Even though I threw away my bathroom scale 5 years ago, I am sorely tempted to buy another one.

 

[leswp1]

Re: The Good Thoughts and Prayers Needed Thread 2

In terms of the pattern of disordered eating, it sounds like my doctor, counselor, and dietitian all want to talk to me.

For those who don't know... I was a fat kid, fat teenager, and a fat 20 something. Weighed 396 pounds in 2003, but started working it off thanks to mostly healthy eating and an amazing support system while at NMU. But after college, I continued to lose weight. In 2007, I weighed 200 pounds, and should have stopped there. Only 4 people told me to stop there, mostly coming from this board. The rest of my friends encouraged the weight loss, and sometime in 2008, weight loss became an all consuming thing. No sugar, hardly any fat, etc. In 2009, training for the River Bank Run 25K, the weight loss continued, and then I signed up for my first marathon. Weight loss continued, and in November 2009, I weighed 146.4 lbs. 6'2, and a walking stick figure. Truth be told, I wanted to take it down even further. The extreme lifestyle carried on, but in early 2010, the wheels started falling off. STRUGGLED in training for the River Bank Run, and on race day, hit the proverbial wall at mile 8 (halfway through) and I walked to the finish.

After the race, I went to Steak N Shake, because earlier I swore up and down I was going to eat a greasy cheeseburger. I did not eat a greasy cheeseburger. I ate an awfully lean salad with hot tea, and I sat there, thinking **** had to change. I had to start eating food.

Wake up call number 2 came a bit later in the year. Did my morning workout, then went to the lab to get some blood drawn. Got home from the lab, and got a phone call. My hemoglobin level was a mere 6, and I needed to get my *** to the ER. Spent that day in the ER, getting transfusions and poked and prodded.

Third wake up call came when my mom died. Realized all the calorie counting in the world wasn't going to prevent death from knocking at my door one day.

And here's why I need encouragement here. That behavior of calorie restriction and a preoccupation with weight loss... never fully disappeared from my life. No. It got shoved to the subconscious, where it hides and serves as a how-to manual every time the scale says something I don't like. Even though I threw away my bathroom scale 5 years ago, I am sorely tempted to buy another one.

This is why you have the pit crew of counselor, dietitian and Doc. We can all be supportive but they need to be the ones giving you advice on what you need to do. Otherwise ou have multiple cooks and a pot of broth. You have talked about trying to figure out moderation before. It isn't easy but anyone who can run distances you can has figured out how to pace themselves. This is the equivalent.

 

[ericredaxe]

Re: The Good Thoughts and Prayers Needed Thread 2

Bob I think that is good advice from Les.... One other thought (and maybe you have done this already)... In addition to the doc, dietician and counselor, have you worked with a professional distance running coach / trainer? They may have some good advice as well when it comes to training as well as the best / required diet in conjunction with that training.

 

[MissThundercat]

Re: The Good Thoughts and Prayers Needed Thread 2

Bob I think that is good advice from Les.... One other thought (and maybe you have done this already)... In addition to the doc, dietician and counselor, have you worked with a professional distance running coach / trainer? They may have some good advice as well when it comes to training as well as the best / required diet in conjunction with that training.

The running coaches I know haven't done anything beyond 26.2. When you're training for a 33.5 mile race, a 50 mile race, and a full distance duathlon, no one I know has done any of that. HOWEVER, I do have friends who have done ultras and trained for multi-sport events. And they have been very helpful to me at this time.

 

[Shirtless Guy]

Re: The Good Thoughts and Prayers Needed Thread 2

Update on my dad, he's had a rough 6+ months and my mom decided to stop treatment a couple weeks ago. He moved in to Hospice today as a trial to have them help balance out his meds and help him adjust from his sundown syndrome(?). The nurses first impression is that he may only have a couple weeks. Very sad to see what he's become since september when we found out. So disappointed in not being able to have one last hurrah. He was diagnosed shortly before duck season opened. Chemo hit him pretty hard shortly before Deer hunting keeping him from hunting for more then a few hours and his energy level has been completely lacking so that when we went out sturgeon spearing, he spent most of the time on the floor sleeping. Now it seems more likely then ever that we won't get to go fishing this spring/summer and I'm just lost thinking that he won't be there anymore.

 

[St. Clown]

Re: The Good Thoughts and Prayers Needed Thread 2

... and help him adjust from his sundown syndrome(?).

If people are having issues with dementia, they could be doing well during most of the early day, but as the day's winding down their mental acuity starts to wane. They become much more confused. So as the sun's going down, their mental abilities are going down, too. Hence, sun downer's syndrome. I saw it in my mom a lot as she was transition form the late stages of early Alzheimer's to the middle stage. Things would get weird.

 

[leswp1]

Re: The Good Thoughts and Prayers Needed Thread 2

Update on my dad, he's had a rough 6+ months and my mom decided to stop treatment a couple weeks ago. He moved in to Hospice today as a trial to have them help balance out his meds and help him adjust from his sundown syndrome(?). The nurses first impression is that he may only have a couple weeks. Very sad to see what he's become since september when we found out. So disappointed in not being able to have one last hurrah. He was diagnosed shortly before duck season opened. Chemo hit him pretty hard shortly before Deer hunting keeping him from hunting for more then a few hours and his energy level has been completely lacking so that when we went out sturgeon spearing, he spent most of the time on the floor sleeping. Now it seems more likely then ever that we won't get to go fishing this spring/summer and I'm just lost thinking that he won't be there anymore.

sorry.

 

[Kepler]

Re: The Good Thoughts and Prayers Needed Thread 2

Update on my dad, he's had a rough 6+ months and my mom decided to stop treatment a couple weeks ago. He moved in to Hospice today as a trial to have them help balance out his meds and help him adjust from his sundown syndrome(?). The nurses first impression is that he may only have a couple weeks. Very sad to see what he's become since september when we found out. So disappointed in not being able to have one last hurrah. He was diagnosed shortly before duck season opened. Chemo hit him pretty hard shortly before Deer hunting keeping him from hunting for more then a few hours and his energy level has been completely lacking so that when we went out sturgeon spearing, he spent most of the time on the floor sleeping. Now it seems more likely then ever that we won't get to go fishing this spring/summer and I'm just lost thinking that he won't be there anymore.

I don't want to scare you but my Dad had an identical trajectory and he passed his first night in hospice. We were very glad he went in comfortable surroundings rather than a hospital bed, and moving to hospice is as much about acceptance for the family as the patient.

You and your family have all my sympathy. Losing one's dad is an enormity I can't describe. Just soak up as much time as you can.

 

[Shirtless Guy]

Re: The Good Thoughts and Prayers Needed Thread 2

I don't want to scare you but my Dad had an identical trajectory and he passed his first night in hospice. We were very glad he went in comfortable surroundings rather than a hospital bed, and moving to hospice is as much about acceptance for the family as the patient.

You and your family have all my sympathy. Losing one's dad is an enormity I can't describe. Just soak up as much time as you can.

Thanks for that, he made it through the first night and actually did quite well...spent much of his time this morning asking my mom when he'd be able to go home It was the first good night of sleep he's had in quite some time...

 

[leswp1]

Re: The Good Thoughts and Prayers Needed Thread 2

Thanks for that, he made it through the first night and actually did quite well...spent much of his time this morning asking my mom when he'd be able to go home It was the first good night of sleep he's had in quite some time...

That is hard. Glad he slept well tho.