Bottom Feeders 2021 ish... Yes. ish.

[John J. MacInnes]

First report from Biloxi.

(7) Yale vs (10) Holy Cross

The Crusaders were detained in Georgia when their cab was pulled over in Chickasaw County. That delayed the start of the South Regional as Yale waited around for their opponent. While they loitered around the Mississippi Coast Coliseum, a mother and two kids complained that both public skating sessions were being cancelled to accommodate the tournament. Repeated threats were all ignored by the building staff, but the family got their revenge by dumping four squirrels into the ice making plant. Three got out unscathed, but the fourth was caught in the works and punctured the exchanger. This meant that the only way for the ice to stay frozen was for two people to continuously operate a hand pump keeping the coolant moving. From a text message sent by Miss Thundercat, the determination was made that one player from each team would be assigned to the pump.

A haggard Holy Cross team took the “ice” looking like death warmed over after a steady diet of boiled peanuts and rancid hush puppies in the Chickasaw lockup. They revealed that they were only allowed to go free when the sheriff muttered something about ‘helping to stop those Duke boys’ and HC head coach Bill Riga explained that his team was not going to the bouncyball tournament in New Orleans. The Yalies took full advantage and slogged their way to a 3-0 lead. Bulldog coach Keith Allain then instructed his player on the pump to slow his pace and degrade the ice surface.

Noticing the change in conditions, referee Frank Anzalone told the teams he knew best how to fix the plant and improve the ice. He called an extended intermission after the second period and grabbed some tools before diving into the machine. He almost escaped unhurt but his hair caught in a set of gears, pulling him back deep into the machinery. This turned out to be a fortunate mistake as the hair was just enough to clog the hole in the exchanger temporarily.

Anzalone returned to the playing surface and spent most of the 3[SUP]rd[/SUP] period explaining how he fixed the problem. The only problem for Holy Cross was that the clock was rolling the entire time, and they were left with only enough time to score a single goal.

Holy Cross advances to the South Regional final.

 

[MissThundercat]

Developments out of the Midwest:

Both Tony Granato and Dave Smith came out to Miss Amber's boat and attempted to bribe her. Tony offered a 24 oz coffee and an Everything bagel and Dave Smith tried to hand her $20.

Rejecting both of their offers and seriously wanting to take a nap, she started the game in a 3-3 tie with the next goal winning. With around 1 minute to play in the first and the RPI roster all roasting marshmallows on the flaming barge, Wisconsin forward Roman Ahcan potted the winner, sending RPI to the regional final.

 

[FadeToBlack&Gold]

After jetting into Sioux Falls on a Frontier Airlines bereavement fare that he scored by bawling to the ticket agent about a dead relative, Fade hitched a ride from a cranked-up trucker out to the I-90 rest stop to check on the West regional. The weather in White Lake was a balmy 47F, rendering the pond across the freeway from the westbound rest area a puddle of open water that was useless for skating. Maine coach Ben Barr tried to argue that the regional should be canceled and the teams sent home, but not so fast! The assistant commish ruled that in light of conditions being unsuitable for ice hockey, the invited teams would instead play water polo. When asked if they could use the buses to go back to Sioux Falls and buy suits, Fade denied this request having earmarked 90% of the budget for the West regional towards his own meals and snacks. The teams are currently walking miles to the nearest businesses and farmhouses to knock on doors and ask to buy or borrow bathing suits. Game results are forthcoming.

 

[FadeToBlack&Gold]

Asst Commish Fade is now working to determine if we ever got a report from the forsaken gravel pit in Grand Rapids on the outcome of the Dartmouth/SLU(t) play-out round that should have kicked off the BFB of 16+1.

 

[MissThundercat]

With rocks falling everywhere and horrible ice conditions, Amber's best friend Rachel noped out of there and declared Dartmouth the winner 1-0, giving the GW goal to Sean Chisholm. SLU goes on.

 

[John J. MacInnes]

Report in from the South Regional semifinal.

(2) Miami vs (15) Brown

The RedHawks and Bears weren’t told about the problems with the exchanger in the ice making plant, so neither one designated a player to be used for the pumping station. Chris Bergeron tried to sabotage the taxis bringing Brown to the MCC by placing parking tickets he had collected in downtown Biloxi all over the windshields, but when wind blew a few of them off he was arrested for littering and had to appear for a hearing at the Harrison County courthouse. Unfortunately for the Miami coach, no one told him that the hearing was in the OTHER county seat of Gulfport, so he sat waiting in the lobby and missed the entire game.

Brown continued their struggles as the worst scoring team in the nation by generating a grand total of 4 shot attempts in the first two periods. The RedHawks were no better as they came up with just 7 – but included in those were two pucks that they inadvertently deposited into their own net, giving the Bears an undeserved but fully accepted 2-0 lead with just 20 minutes to play.

Derek Daschke was in the transfer portal before the BFB was announced, and he decided in mid-game that Brown looked like a better option for him. He swiped a Bears jersey and switched benches in the third period and helped defeat his former team with that 2-0 margin. When asked about the switch during the postgame, Brown coach Brendan Whittet revealed he had suggested the idea to Daschke before the game began. Daschke was intrigued but Whittet wanted a more tangible showing of interest, so Daschke had scored the two own goals as a sign of faith. The Bears coach revealed that those two had moved the new addition into 4[SUP]th[/SUP] best in scoring on the current roster.

Miami “advances” to the South Region final to meet Holy Cross, with plenty of drama for Miss Thundercat to sort through. Will the patch hold out on the exchanger? Will Bergeron make it back in time from his rescheduled court date? Will Frank Anzalone declare himself the winner of the region without a puck being hit in anger?

 

[John J. MacInnes]

The first participant in the Futile Four has been determined.

East Regional Final

(12) Fairbanks vs (4) St Thomas

The combatants from Gas City in the NoWiNs met again for the chance to be eliminated from the BFB. Rico Blasi was on the bench this time, after missing the previous meeting trapped in a casket at the Needham-Storey Funeral Home. But Erik Largen would be unavailable for Fairbanks, having suffered a bite to his hand by Nimbus.

With weather issues as always on Mt. Washington, details were sketchy about the first period as no one could actually see what was happening on the playing surface. But it became clear that Fairbanks was targeting Kimball Johnson, whose highly illegal goal ended up as the difference in the NoWiNs final. Johnson was summarily dumped over the edge of the playing surface and dangled precariously close to tumbling down the mountainside, but as the Nanooks meted out their vigilante justice they left the other Tommies players free to attack Gustavs Grigals at will. St Thomas claimed they had scored three times in that stretch, but without seeing that happen Nimbus awarded them just two goals and expressed that they should count themselves grateful.

Fairbanks unleashed an all-out attack in the second period, and quickly the Tommies realized that the Nanooks had spent the first intermission erasing the blue line on their offensive end of the playing surface. Nimbus was unmoved and sauntered over to his feeding area at the Observatory, and Fairbanks camped out in what would have been an offside position for the next 20 minutes. When Blasi howled for retribution at the Fairbanks team, he was clattered by an object and fell unconscious behind the bench. The Tommies players soon recognized it was the NoWiNs trophy. A pair of Fairbanks goals evened the score at 2 after 40 minutes.

Bored with the activity, Nimbus pushed an empty can of Science Diet cat food onto the surface at the start of the last period and declared that the first team to score with it would be declared the winner. Taking this as an opportunity to thumb their noses at the rules, Fairbanks emptied the bench and played with all available players at once. St Thomas answered and with all 42 involved, the game was a madhouse. A furious gust of wind blew up the side of Mt Washington and obscured the playing surface with a burst of snow for 10 minutes, and when it finally cleared the players discovered the empty can stuck to the back of Grigals in the Fairbanks net. He tried to turn around to see where it had lodged, and in the process knocked it loose to roll back into his own net. The Tommies players skated to their bench to retrieve the NoWiNs trophy and planted it on the head of the Fairbanks netminder, and began their trip away from the mountain. Despite their protestations, Nimbus ignored the Fairbanks commotion and took a nap.

Fairbanks “advances” to the Futile Four.

 

[Snively65]

Sounds like Nimbus was more random about his inaugural reffing decisions in the East Regional than his predecessor Marty. I also heard that Nimbus feels badly about biting JJM, but not badly enough to apologize. You can call Nimbus anything, just do not call him late for dinner.

 

[John J. MacInnes]

Sounds like Nimbus was more random about his inaugural reffing decisions in the East Regional than his predecessor Marty. I also heard that Nimbus feels badly about biting JJM, but not badly enough to apologize. You can call Nimbus anything, just do not call him late for dinner.

Hey, as long as he didn't bite me, he can chomp whomever he wants.

 

[MissThundercat]

Midwest Final:

The river was lit on fire on a Thursday evening and Miss Thundercat was enjoying the final between RPI and LIU. She had her Clif Bars and her coffee. However, she took a liking to RPI's Laurel Sertti and decided he would be bringing her more coffee instead of playing. He was upset he had to leave the playing surface, and he dropped trou and tried to moon everyone else. With the score still 0-0 and the clock winding down and the commissioner still without the magical bean juice, Jordan Timmons of LIU handed RPI goalie Brett Miller $100. Miller flopped on the ice and Timmons went top shelf to end it.

RPI goes to the Futile Four.

 

[John J. MacInnes]

After jetting into Sioux Falls on a Frontier Airlines bereavement fare that he scored by bawling to the ticket agent about a dead relative, Fade hitched a ride from a cranked-up trucker out to the I-90 rest stop to check on the West regional. The weather in White Lake was a balmy 47F, rendering the pond across the freeway from the westbound rest area a puddle of open water that was useless for skating. Maine coach Ben Barr tried to argue that the regional should be canceled and the teams sent home, but not so fast! The assistant commish ruled that in light of conditions being unsuitable for ice hockey, the invited teams would instead play water polo. When asked if they could use the buses to go back to Sioux Falls and buy suits, Fade denied this request having earmarked 90% of the budget for the West regional towards his own meals and snacks. The teams are currently walking miles to the nearest businesses and farmhouses to knock on doors and ask to buy or borrow bathing suits. Game results are forthcoming.

Anxious to hear if guest referee Mike Dunleavy has arrived.

 

[The Sicatoka]

After jetting into Sioux Falls on a Frontier Airlines bereavement fare that he scored by bawling to the ticket agent about a dead relative, Fade hitched a ride from a cranked-up trucker out to the I-90 rest stop to check on the West regional.

Frontier? Jet? Waste, waste, waste.

Fade could've ridden Amtrak to Omaha or Fargo and caught on with a trucker on I-29 to Sioux Falls, and then jumped in with a west-bounder on I-90.

 

[John J. MacInnes]

Frontier? Jet? Waste, waste, waste.

Fade could've ridden Amtrak to Omaha or Fargo and caught on with a trucker on I-29 to Sioux Falls, and then jumped in with a west-bounder on I-90.

Committee members are allowed to splurge. Teams are not.

 

[FadeToBlack&Gold]

The games are complete. The losing team has been sent onward to the Futile Four and the winners have been told to hitch trucker rides home. Write-ups are forthcoming, starting with:

West Regional Semi-Final

(1) Maine vs (16) SLUt

Swimsuits were finally acquired after several dozen miles of walking, rendering the teams exhausted and thus in perfect condition to begin play. In lieu of Food Network guest chef appearances this year, Asst Commish Fade dug around the freezer and pantry at a nearby diner the night before and pulled together enough expired/stale ingredients to pre-cook and serve a cold crockpot of Sandra Lee's French Pork Chops prior to the start of the game. SLUt coach Brent Brekke argued that as the lowest 4-seed in the BFB, they were entitled to play the later game to get some additional rest, but these protests fell upon deaf ears. The teams were ordered to wade into the pond across from the westbound I-90 rest area and begin play, while Asst Commish Fade clambered into a nearby abandoned IH Farmall 460 to serve as a temporary referee chair/platform. Fade didn't bother debriefing the teams on the rules of water polo, so naturally frustration abounded when the first ordinary foul for two-handing the ball was called on senior Maine forward Jacob Schmidt-Svejstrup 4 seconds into the game. The teams continued to trade various ordinary, major, and penalty fouls for the first two quarters and the score remained 0-0. Finally, just like a ref in That Other Tournament, Fade got bored with calling constant penalties and announced that the second half of the match would be no holds barred. Maine scored first when Donavan Villeneuve-Houle swam up and deliberately splashed SLUt goalie Emil Zetterquist in the face with his free hand, then whipped the ball into the net with his other hand. SLUt tied it up when sophomore forward Max Dorrington clutched the ball to his chest, took a huge gulp of air, and swam underwater all the way into the net behind Black Bears goalie Victor Ostman. With the clock ticking away in the final seconds of the fourth quarter, Dorrington went for broke and kicked freshman Maine defenseman David Breazeale in the nuts. With Breazeale out of commission, this opened up space for Dorrington to swim around him and flip the ball into the far corner and send Maine to the BFB West Regional final by a final score of 2-1 SLUt.

 

[MissThundercat]

The Commissioner finally got a report out of Biloxi.

Daschke, having scored two own goals in the semifinal, scored two more in the final for Miami.

Rico Blasi, who hasn't coached for Miami in years, came to Biloxi on request of the Commissioner and smashed a bottle of Boone's Farm on Frank's head, incapacitating him. Rico, acting with the Blessing of Amber Marie, declared Holy Cross would advance to the Futile Four with 19 minutes to play in the second period .