Re: Bottom-feeders 2016-17
It's a crappy day for hockey down here in Mexico, and you know what that means? It's the final of the Futile Four, with Brown squaring off against Michigan State.
The goalies have been set. Michigan State's goalie was found today at a local watering hole, and not only did he not want to compete, he went 10 rounds with Jose Cuervo and is too incapacitated to play. So, Sparty will be putting a jumbo potted plant in net. Brown has secured their board to the net, with only a small hole on the bottom to try and score in.
Tom Anastos is at center ice with a bottle of Tecate in hand, with Walt Kyle and Seth Appert as linesmen. Anastos drops the puck, and we are off.
State actually wins the faceoff, but the puck is promptly stolen and Brown marches it down the ice, intent on shattering the potted plant. The Brown winger fires the puck, and it goes right through the plant's leaves into the back of the net, making the score 1-0 Brown.
Later in play, Anastos and Walt Kyle get into a fistfight. Walt KOs Anastos with a shot to the jaw. Anastos is dropped, and someone has to drag him to the Sparty Bench.
Michigan State brings the puck up ice again, attempting to score. Remember, in the last two games, Sparty has been shut out. The D man tries to aim it at the hole in Brown's board, but it goes to the right and Brown picks up the rebound. Their left D man goes up ice, skating around Anastos collection of beer bottles, passes it up to the left wing, and he shoots it square into the potted plant. The terra cotta pot is broken, and the puck is sitting there in front of the net. Brown is trying to put it in, Michigan State is trying to clear it out. Finally, with Anastos out of commission, Kyle calls for a stoppage and a new faceoff.
Now that the terra cotta pot is broken, and Michigan State has no one in goal, you'd think they'd try for the extra man. Nope. No one on Sparty's bench knows what to do, so they keep it at 5 on the ice. On the next faceoff, Brown skates it down and scores. Brown 2- Michigan State 0.
Michigan State is getting frustrated at this point, so they get chippy. Their captain delivers a clothesline to Brown's captain, and benches clear. No one calls for a whistle, so a non-fighter on State gathers the puck, skates around the melee, and pokes it through the hole. Brown 2- Michigan State 1. At least Sparty won't be shut out this game.
Wait, what's this? Here comes Michigan State's goalie, clearly drunk, in pads. Apparently it took some liquid courage for him to play after all? But how well will he do after 10 shots of tequila?
On the next goal, Anastos comes back onto the ice, with another bottle of Tecate. Clearly intent on helping his old team win, he kicks the puck to Sparty's right winger, who finds the hole, and ties the game. Brown 2- Michigan State 2.
Late in the third, with about 30 seconds remaining, the lights go out in the arena. No one is willing to stop play. After all, these teams clearly suck. In the darkness, and with an estimated 5 seconds left, Brown gets the puck at the point and fires it past State's drunk goalie, making the score 3-2.
That's how it would end. Michigan State is your "winner" of the Toilet Bowl, and the most futile team in the country.
