By Quentin the Queer
In its first game since officially becoming the Boston University men’s quidditch team, the squad formerly known as the BU men’s hockey team defeated Boston College 150-10. The switch to quidditch came after a unanimous vote by the team to abandon hockey in the wake of their 2009 NCAA championship victory.
“Gryba excited to play quidditch,” BU assistant captain Eric Gryba said. “Gryba ram beaters with broom from behind. Gryba kill.”
There was more weak ramming than killing in the match, which featured a pathetic display of flying as most of the players couldn’t get their brooms up. The few players who did not suffer from projectile dysfunction resorted to smacking each other in the face with balls and brooms, thus limiting their scoring chances.
Because BC’s hockey team is getting ready for the Flying Four, the Eagles had to bring back former hockey players to fill their roster. Most notable among the returnees was Nathan Gerbe, who played seeker.
Gerbe was initially ruled ineligible because his broom was too small, but he was able to make it long enough to meet quidditch regulations by taking some Broomagra.
Gerbe zoomed all over the field and had 12 chances to end the match as he continually found and caught up to the snitch. Unfortunately for the Eagles, his hands were too small to close around it.
“I hate being a midget,” Gerbe said. “My broom’s so short. It just doesn’t measure up to all the other guys. It’s so embarrassing when we’re in the locker room. I can see all the guys snickering at me. I try to hide it under my robes so no one will see it.”
Neither Kieran Millan nor “Touchdown” Cory Schneider were successful in flying high enough to defend their respective goals. Despite the fact that both teams had unimpeded access to both the front and back rings all game, they struggled to fit balls into the opening.
BC’s Krys Kolanos was the only player to thrust the quaffle through the ring. He initially tried to shove two balls through the ring at once, but could only squeeze one in.
“Those rings were tight, man,” Kolanos said. “You could tell they’ve never been stretched out before. They were barely wide enough to fit your broom through, never mind a ball. I got way too greedy trying to get two balls in there.”
BU’s best scoring chance came 7 hours and 34 minutes into the ridiculously drawn-out affair when Joe Pereira came in on a breakaway. But the injury-plagued chaser somehow managed to snap his broom in half and impale himself in mid-air. Pereira’s status for the rest of the season is unknown, but reports say he is currently trying a new type of magic to help re-grow his spleen.
After twelve hours, the match finally came to an end when walk-on seeker Alex Greer accidentally swallowed the snitch, giving BU the 150-10 victory.
“I’ve never had anything enter my mouth with that kind of velocity,” Greer said. “It just slammed into the back of my throat. I gagged a little.”
Dennis Wolff returned to BU to coach the match because hockey coach Jack Parker said quidditch was “too newfangled for my liking.” He did, however, say that he expected a “great college quidditch game.”
“I don’t care for these wizard games, but I was told that defense played a big role, so I agreed to coach,” Wolff said. “Any game that has a strong emphasis on defense is OK with me. It was a hard-fought game and both teams played very hard.
“I was happy with how much we were able to slow the game down. We really made it as boring as possible for those two fans. The only disappointment tonight was that my son Matt couldn’t make it back in time to play. I certainly would’ve given him a lot of playing time."
The Terriers will next face the Perkins School of the Blind. Perkins has yet to win a game this season, as they’ve consistently struggled to dodge bludgers and find the snitch.
“It’s like we can’t even see the balls coming at us,” said Perkins coach Kellen Heller. “We’ve had shots hit us in the eyes, nose, hair, you name it. It’s messy.”
