Re: A Thread for prayers, good vibes and what have you
I got some results from my little ones tests. They found her IQ to be normal. It's a little over 100 at age 6 so that's good. She is very creative and I found her memory score is off the charts. She remembers things from when she was 1 or 2 years old. They did find that her mind does wander and may recommend drugs. They will do a further meeting Wednesday.
However, her father is being a jerk and says she doesn't need drugs to focus and he's going to yell and scream. My fiance has primary residence and has custody papers showing that and she will shove them in his face. I can understand it may be hard for him, but I hope he realizes that his daughter's well being is at stake. Any advice for me? Thanks for all your help.
In this society we seem to drift toward confrontation like it is the only solution. If at all possible try and deal with this guy like you were a customer service rep that can't fix his problem but want him to feel like you tried. You are in the right if she has custody but it will serve no one to shove it up his bum. Not all kids think meds are great. If he is undermining things the whole way then that is going to be a problem.
First rule in this is to acknowledge what he is feeling (ie it stinks that she is having trouble, you wish she didn't need further intervention, or what ever he says), listen to what he says and repeat it back to him. Alot of the reason people dig in on their opinion is they think they aren't heard so they keep yelling louder. The other reason is it is dam painful to realize your kid is not like everyone else. Denial is a wonderful drug.
2nd- Sometimes it is helpful to make the point that she will suffer socially if she is struggling to pay attention, drifting etc. Kids realize they are not the same as I have said before. This is the age where they start to set up social networks and if things aren't 'normal' kids get left out or feel left out even if they aren't excluded. Once that pattern is established it is very difficult to rewrite.
Sometimes it is helpful to ask the question of what does Dad see ahead if she doesn't do what ever the intervention is. You have written that she is struggling and frustrated. Does he see that or is he missing that part because she has no homework when he sees her (usually kids visit on WE and that is when kids that age have no homework). Have you tried to describe what you have seen her go through and all the steps you have tried to help her be less frustrated? Have you asked him if he has any other suggestions? Alot of the time the non-custodial parent feels frustrated, out of control, out of the loop and excluded because the bulk of the way to deal with it is not on their watch. They react by being nasty because they can't do anything they think they should be able to do, the other parent reacts to the nasty and off you go.
I have no idea if this guy is participatory but even if he isn't the lack of control is usually the thing that sends them. Trying to engage him in the plan might help him buy in. You might consider trying a trial period where they do all the other adjustments without medicine and set some goals the you use as a benchmark for whether she is successful or not.
If the guy is just a pisant then I would still go thru the motions above. If he refuses to participate and yaps at the lil one when he has her say that you did try to explain to Dad. You are confused that he has trouble understanding but you know what the people who are experts have told you and your job is to take care of her the best as you can.
You can also ask the folks seeing the Lil one if they would talk to himregarding things if you think he would receive it better without you doing the telling. DOn't tell him the final outcome but let them do that.
Good luck. This is always so stressful. It really does get better! The problems don't go away but your ability to ID them and to work on solutions gets better.
