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2020 Democratic Challengers

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Re: 2020 Democratic Challengers

Amazing Time Savers

Janet Miles.....Heather Locklear
Richard Hayden.....Mike Myers
Caller #1.....Julia Sweeney
Caller #2.....
Caller #3.....Rob Schneider
Caller #4.....Adam Sandler


[ open on the set of the "Amazing Time Savers" infomercial, telephone operators and a bulb-packed map of the United States behind Janet and the product counter ]

Janet Miles: Hello, and welcome to "Amazing Time Savers", your home shopping connection. I'm Janet Miles. As always, operators are standing by to take your calls. And you will certainly want to call my guest on today's show. He brings with him an extraordinary, time-saving invention. But I'm gonna let him tell you all about it. Please welcome, Richard Hayden!

[ Richard comes out laughing excitedly, and stands beside his product ]

Richard Hayden: Thanks, Janet! Thanks for having me on this show. Now, Janet, do you like pasta?

Janet Miles: [ addressing her audience more than Richard ] I love pasta! But the problem is, I never have the time to make it.

Richard Hayden: Really? If I told you that you could have a good-tasting pasta meal, prepared in less than five minutes.. what would you say?

Janet Miles: I'd say you're a few bricks shy of a load!

[ Janet and Richard laugh at her joke ]

Richard Hayden: Well, Janet, I'm not! [ laughs ] And you know what? I'm going to demonstrate my pasta-maker for you and your audience. Do you think your audience would like that?

[ the audience claps ]

Janet Miles: This I have to see! Now, this is a complicated process. Right, Richard?

Richard Hayden: No. My pasta-maker is easy to operate, because the directions are easy to follow.

Janet Miles: Well, we've heard that before: you buy an appliance with easy-to-follow directions, and you get it home, and you need a Ph.D to figure it out. Usually, this "easy direction" stuff is a big lie.. like the Holocaust! [ the phones ring wild, and the bulbs light up on the map ] Now, are your directions really easy to follow? Or is it just another Holocaust-type scam?

Richard Hayden: [ dumbfounded by Janet's statements ] Uh.. they're, uh.. they're, uh.. easy to follow.. they, uh.. involve, uh.. three easy steps..

Janet Miles: Well, does the audience want to see these three easy steps to good-tasting pasta?

[ the audience relunctantly claps ]

Richard Hayden: O..kay.. Well, you just pour in the flour.. [ pours in the flour ] ..the egg and water mix.. [ pours in the egg and water ] ..and that's it. Hit the button, and look. Here comes the pasta [ pasta starts coming out of the machine ].

Janet Miles: [ excited ] So incredible! And so fast! Well, let's take some phone calls! I'm sure people want to find out more about this amazing machine! Caller, you're on "Timesavers"!

Caller #1: [ shaken ] Are you insane?! Did you just say that the Holocaust was a lie?!

Janet Miles: Listen.. there is no way of ever knowing if the Holocaust actually happened. But we do know this is an amazing pasta-maker. Next caller. You're on "Timesaver"!

Caller #2: This is unbelieveable..

Janet Miles: Isn't it! That pasta came out in less that three minutes!

Caller #2: No! I mean, how when I first tuned in to the show, I told my husband how I thought you had crazy eyes.. then, like, a minute later, you said that thing about the Holocaust.. I was right. You are completely insane!

Janet Miles: [ chipper ] And so are you, if you don't order this amazing pasta-maker! Thanks for your call! [ turning to Richard ] Well, Richard, this pasta-maker is truly amazing! And it's made here in America, isn't it?

Richard Hayden: Yes.. It's.. it's an American appliance that makes Italian food.

Janet Miles: [ amazed ] That's great! Because, if you're like me, you're tired of buying from the Jap! [ more phones ring ] Everywhere you turn, it's a Jap product. They're taking over! At least with Pearl Harbor, we knew we were getting attacked.. but with this invasion of Nip products, it's even sneakier, you know?

Richard Hayden: wanting badly to sneak out of the studio ] Uh.. yeah.. Well, it's made here in the U.S.A., Janet.. And do you know what's the best part? The price!

Janet Miles: Okay, here comes the catch.. this has to cost a lot of money. Your invention makes good-tasting pasta in under four minutes. It's durable and so simple to use, even a Puerto Rican can figure it out! [ all the phones start ringing at once ] And it makes enough for a family of six. Now, this must cost at least $200. Am I right?

Richard Hayden: [ totally embarrassed ] Yeah.. uh.. I mean no. It's much less.. it's $39.95.. [ waving his hands in protest ] But I just want to say..

Janet Miles: I know. Let's take some more calls and sell some pasta-makers! Caller, you're on "Time Savers"!

Caller #3: [ speaks in Spanish ]

Janet Miles: Who, whoa, whoa! Pepe! Pepe! Slow down! We'll have to find a Spanish-speaking operator to take your order. Next caller, you're on "Timesavers"!

Caller #4: [ outraged ] Listen to me, you crazy *****! I'm gonna find out where you live, and you will pay!!

Janet Miles: Me pay? Why don't you pay, for one of these pasta-makers? [ addressing her audience ] You simply cannot go wrong at $39.95. Call now, because you couldn't buy it cheaper off a drunken Indian! [ the phones go crazy, and Richard ducks for safety below the counter ] The orders are pouring in, and we'll see you, next time on "Amazing Time Savers"!

[ fade ]

.......
one of the few skits that mookie remembers to this day. caused mookie to spit snot funny with mike myers looking at her and the phones lighting up. :D
 
Re: 2020 Democratic Challengers

I’m certain that my nine-year-old would be a better president. Normal people outgrow Trump around 5-6. I’m perfectly serious. A random draw would be an almost certain improvement (there’s that chance you get the homeless insane guy who spends his nights torturing rats to learn their secret mind-control tricks). Oprah or Tom Hanks would be a massive improvement, but it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t nominate an actual administrator/executive talent.
 
Re: 2020 Democratic Challengers

geezer said:
I’m certain that my nine-year-old would be a better president. Normal people outgrow Trump around 5-6. I’m perfectly serious. A random draw would be an almost certain improvement (there’s that chance you get the homeless insane guy who spends his nights torturing rats to learn their secret mind-control tricks). Oprah or Tom Hanks would be a massive improvement, but it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t nominate an actual administrator/executive talent.
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I agree. I think you're OK with anybody from a blue state over 5 and anybody from a red state over 15.
 
MaizeRage said:
Who would take a $1000 bucks if it meant not getting $1250 in welfare aid, or meant paying an extra $1100 in taxes?
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But they can get that new 60" 4K Curved Samsung LED television with that instant $1000!! Their incomes are fixed, so saving $20 a week for a whole year is tough!
 
Re: 2020 Democratic Challengers

The Sicatoka said:
But there's that pesky Article 2, Section 1, Clause 5 requirement.
Click to expand...

Of course. But we are just defining the set of people better than Dump.

So far, we have "people." Although there are also articles of clothing, very small rocks, and bodily fluids which would be better presidents.
 
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Re: 2020 Democratic Challengers

Maybe we should just hire Watson (IBM's AI).

However, I suspect many would not like the decisions from a purely analytic logic engine.
 
Re: 2020 Democratic Challengers

ScoobyDoo said:
You're forgetting that we just elected the most least qualified Republican/Democratic candidate of my lifetime in 2016. Or, you are remembering that? Remember, the Presidency is more about who the President hires than the President him/herself. And, the Trump administration was going to "hire" the best people. How'd that turn out? I'm willing to bet Oprah would get the best people. By a long shot.
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So the answer is to embrace the stupid and try and be just like them? No friggin thanks.
 
Re: 2020 Democratic Challengers

FadeToBlack&Gold said:
She's not that intelligent. She gave safe harbor to pseudo-scientific quackery for years.
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I didnt say she was intelligent, just she was smarter than Trump. The fact that she is responsible for "Dr." Phil and "Dr." Oz being a thing should be the ultimate Red Flag.
 
Re: 2020 Democratic Challengers

The Sicatoka said:
Maybe we should just hire Watson (IBM's AI).

However, I suspect many would not like the decisions from a purely analytic logic engine.
Click to expand...

I know how this one ends.

<img src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dNHc_7mSLL4/WDxzZ3AqDyI/AAAAAAAALN4/HPtQ9qERmBIh_sjbW9QJ1W3uNR57LIoIACLcB/s1600/ColossusGuardian.jpg" />
 
Re: 2020 Democratic Challengers

Kepler said:
The idea is to avert an existential threat to life on Earth.

You are overthinking this.
Click to expand...

No I am not. If the Dems nominate Oprah we wont get another real candidate for decades. It creates a whole new set of problems that you wont be able to just pretend is all the fault of the GOP. The idea is not to win the race to the bottom and that is exactly what that nomination would be. Plus she would lose anyways...

Its an awful idea and is actually a worse idea than the GOP embracing Trump. You basically saw their clown show, had the next two elections handed to you on a silver platter as long as you dont make the same stupid mistake and said "hold my beer!".

Put it this way, nominating her would be worse than Michael Dukakis in the Tank. And I am not going to support one party that doesnt take governance seriously let alone both.
 
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