The following message has just been disclosed to WIS - "The Worldwide Leader in Sports Sarcasm" - here in beautiful downtown Newfields, on the double-secret QT by highly questionable, compromised sources completely lacking in any objectivity and credibility:
The University of New Hampshire Police Department, in conjunction with the Durham Police Department and the Strafford County Attorney’s Office, is conducting an investigation into a pair of incidents that occurred on Friday 2/7/14 and Saturday 2/8/14 at the UNH Men’s Hockey games against the University of Vermont Cardinals. We are attempting to identify any potential witnesses that attended the aforementioned games at the UNH Whittemore Center. If you were a spectator at that specific event, and can identify any of the imposters who posed as UNH Men's Varsity hockey players, we are asking for your cooperation in contacting the UNH Police Department (xxx-xxx-xxxx) to speak with either ... or ... of the Durham Police Department (xxx) xxx-xxxx regarding your observations during the game. Assistance in this matter is entirely voluntary, but would be greatly appreciated.
We have attempted to reach out to the UNH AD's office for further comment and clarification, but have only just now received a coded message in a bottle floating down the Oyster River from someone indentifying himself only as "BS35 1/2", who has referred our inquiry to legal counsel, but wanted to reassure everyone else in Wildcat Country that "I am in control, and will do everything possible within my boundless powers to maintain things at the status quo ... speaking of which, isn't it great we re-signed the football coach? P.S. - might you know anyone who has a spare million or two to help us upgrade our dungeon? Kiss my ring ... BS35 1/2"
In a related story ... a Vermont man is under arrest this morning in Central Falls RI, and the bus he was driving for the University of Vermont Men's Varsity Hockey team has been impounded by RI State Police shortly after the man was seen by various local witnesses asking for directions "back to Winooski", and commenting that he "must have taken a wrong turn in Epping". Upon further inspection, acting based on tips from several of the UVM players regarding the presence of "funny munchkins on board", authorities first mistakenly arrested (and quickly released) the freshman UVM goalie after some confusion, and then proceeded to locate 2 cases of the munchkins located in a hidden bin under the bus driver's seat. Bail has been set by Judge Cianci at another dozen cases of the munchkins.