I think you're saying that half in jest, but the reality isn't all that far removed. For example, IF Bergeron does decide to call it a day, the B's have an enormous hole at center to try to backfill. Bergeron returning at this point has to be seen as "best case scenario", as another potential option for the B's to fill a top two center role (Tarasenko) just signed with Carolina overnight, so for now, your center ice depth chart looks kinda like this:
(1) Bergeron (maybe)
(2) Zacha
(3) Coyle
(4) Frederic/Geekie?
Those guys are all pretty much where they should be on a successful NHL team. #1 is a legit #1, #2 is a legit #2, etc. Now IF Bergeron is out (and if you are Patrice Bergeron and will be 38 in 3 weeks' time, and you've seen your team's roster crumbling before your eyes over the last couple of weeks, why do you want to return anyway?), then every one of those guys is forced to produce at a higher level to make up the slack. Can Zacha be a #1? Eight years of NHL evidence suggests he overperformed as a #2 last season, but he's still relatively young, so let's say he can maintain a #2. Turning into a legit #1 would be stunning. Can Coyle be an effective #2? Eleven years of NHL evidence establishes him as a solid #3 guy - no more, no less. And so on, and so on. This is what happens when teams start to lose (and I can vouch for that, having seen the DRW slide from 25 years of high level play to almost a decade out of the playoffs now). JvR is a nice spare part, who can still score some goals and give you some production on your second PP unit. Ultimately, he is your replacement for David Krejci. IF JvR projects out as your full-time #2 wing in Boston next season - especially if Bergeron doesn't return - the B's are 50-50 to make the playoffs, much less challenge for the Cup.
I think Sweeney's only escape now to salvage this offseason is probably to shop Ullmark to see if he can land a legit #1 or #2 center while his top goalie has perceived top value in the league. Ullmark will likely never demand so much value in return than he can right now, so Sweeney could deal him (strike while the iron's hot), hope Swayman can fill the gap as a legit #1 goalie, and go shopping for a backup unless the AHL kid is ready.
I thought this "current state of the B's" depth chart was kinda sobering. It also doesn't reflect at least 3 of the defensemen who've left, and leaves out the Lucic/Geekie/JvR signings. Scary ...
Boston Bruins Depth Chart - NHL Starters and Backup Players - CBSSports.com