Re: The List for the 2018-19 Season: Episode 1
Michigan doesn't have that policy. However, sexual orientation and gender identity are covered under Tyson's non-discrimination policy. So while I'm fortunate here, a trans sibling of mine works for a place where they find new ways to discriminate against her daily. In fact, she's afraid to have any surgery done because they will fire her.
Here's the thing about outing that I want you to understand: in our community, we want to be the ones to tell our stories, to come out on our own terms, and to come out to the people we want to be out to. Others can't tell my story as good as I can tell it. Example: say I come out to dx, and he and I are walking and run into Brent. I don't want dx saying anything to Brent, as I was planning on telling Brent later at the bowling alley. My fear, and I emphasize that, is that she already told my story for me.
I understand wanting to come out on your own terms. I am a little confused about why this would be considered 'outing you'. I am curious to know how you think this should have played out. Others in your work place know already. You have been transitioning in your work place- you were employed as Bob and now are employed as Amber. Your employment file is would have this info. I see this as a positive proactive step- the HR person can't advocate for a positive work place environment if they are waiting for you to say something before 'knowing' about it. If you took awhile to say something they would have been at a disadvantage and if you had something happen they could say they didn't know to help you.
I fully understand that.*
Unfortunately, HR departments often don’t have that kind of leeway. In fact, company policy may require disclosure. Supervisors within my company can be fired if they don’t report certain personnel issues. Does that include outing someone? Almost certainly not, unless there have been concerns in the past or there may be concerns or issues in the future.
You sent an email that I would have immediately contacted an HR manager about if I received it. Not tomorrow, not in a few hours, immediately. Your exact words were
This is your apparent liaison for HR issues and you told her you couldn’t trust her and that HR should look into LGBTQ training. There might be serious implications here for everyone involved and the company as a whole. This is precisely when a person should go to HR.
This person was almost certainly wrong for not writing you the letter. Let me be perfectly clear about that. But she was not in the wrong with going to HR on this.
*and please don’t presume I don’t understand (as much as I can) because I am not LGBTQ myself. I’ve been a fervent ally now for 15+ years now. I’ve donated, I’ve volunteered, and I’ve been involved in several positions within community leadership and company outreach programs pushing for changes. But most important of all, I’ve listened for 15 years. I have a long ways to go but I feel like I understand far more than the average person.
My experience with LGBTQ community traces back to a dear friend of mine asking me if she was going to hell because she was a lesbian. That was the moment I became an ally and I have been evolving myself and pushing for changes shortly thereafter.
While I agree about the person having a bad attitude, I disagree about it being wrong not writing the letter.* Maybe I don't understand how business works. In my profession anyone can ask for a recommendation but I am not obligated to write one, especially if I have reservations (no matter how misguided). IMHO if a person isn't comfortable that comes thru in the letter and it is better to have nothing rather than a lukewarm letter. I would rather have someone say no than not have the balls to tell me it would be a tepid letter.
*in the vein of dx post- I too cannot presume to fully understand. I have traveled this journey with many of my patients, their families and a couple of friends. No matter how it goes or how well meaning people are, it usually involves some pain and discomfort.
Listened to friends, kids, parents and extended family lament and be outraged about how the other side
should see it their way or others
should not pass judgment but love them as they are. I realized after some painful learning there is the way it 'should go', the best possible outcome in the circumstances and the suck outcome. No matter how much you or the people who love and accept you do the right thing there is no way to legislate the thoughts of others.
The farther afield from your 'love circle' the less you can predict or expect. What I think or you think is not what others might think. Short of an act of God no one will agree on what the perfect world should be. You can't force them to change their thoughts or be reasonable if they aren't open to it. You can hold people accountable for their actions.
The outrage felt when people suck may be righteous outrage but it can exhaust and it rarely changes what people think. Personally I have found it better to focus on what I can reasonably expect for behaviour. If you focus on how it 'should be' in a perfect world it rarely goes well. Most of the time that results in them continuing to suck, ratcheting it up because they need to show they are in control. Result is a no win where everyone is in a state of perpetual p1ssed offedness and no one has any peace. Better to focus on the people who are worth it.
