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Bottom Feeders 2021: Put Em Outside the COVID Bubble

By adding the Saints after a conference championship, you have proved yourself an evil genius. Well played.
 
While Michigan showed up to play, Notre Dame stopped at the Big Save a few blocks away, had their car stolen, and didn't want to walk the remaining few blocks to the lot. We enticed the Irish to walk the remaining 3 blocks with cheap booze and Takis.

After some complaints directed at Miss Amber, she walked onto the lot with a can of Bubly water, yawned loudly, and told them she didn't care. We don't. After some figuring out how to play with no ice, Michigan managed to score a goal with a second left while the Notre Dame goalie was distracted by the Commissioner's cat.

Notre Dame advances to 16.
 
UAA just arrived on site in a PODS shipping container after defrauding the owners by claiming that they were selling off the program's assets.
 
Salute Your Shorts Semifinal #1 - (1) Holy Cross vs (4) Ohio State

The Crusaders and Buckeyes showed up in the vacant lot just as a lake effect squall finished up, leaving a coating of slushy muck on the surface. Head counselor – er, referee – Kevin “Ug” Lee demanded that the teams immediately begin the game with conditions degrading by the minute.

Ohio State opened the scoring but when goal scorer Austin Pooley returned to the bench and removed his helmet to get a drink, “Ug” immediately recognized him as a lookalike for Bobby Budnick and disallowed the goal. In the confusion during the aftermath, Holy Cross sent Jake Pappalardo to the unguarded OSU goal and threw him the puck. His goal gave the top seed a 1-0 lead until late in the third.

With time running down, again “Ug” accused a player of being a camper lookalike, this time fingering HC’s Ryan Leibold as a modern day Sponge Harris. The Buckeyes swarmed the Crusader net with the slop now a couple inches deep, and with 4 minutes to go a team effort by Travis Treloar and Mark Cheremeta tied the score. They used their sticks to snowplow a pile of sloppy muck into the net, and when it was cleared out the puck was in the middle of the pile.

Overtime saw no scoring, so “Ug” called the captains together to determine who would “shoot” first. The Crusaders took this opportunity to eat a couple of bean burritos that Miss Thundercat had forgotten to distribute to the officials before the game as their payment, but goalie Matt Radomsky declined his by saying “they make me want to fart”. Overhead by an incensed “Ug”, that immediately prompted him to disqualify HC and award the win to Ohio State. “I told you that you’d pay the price!”

Holy Cross advances.
 
Salute Your Shorts Semifinal #2 - (2) Colorado College vs (3) Maine

The Tigers made the magnanimous offer to Maine that they would lose in a walkover as a sign of respect to former coach Red Gendron. The Black Bears accepted and allowed the Tigers to score into their own net once, and then sat down to tell stories about their coach in a socially distanced manner.

Colorado College advances.
 
Salute Your Shorts Final - (1)Holy Cross vs (2)Colorado College

“Ug” Lee again called the teams to the vacant lot for each to try and avoid a Futile Four appearance. CC was there in 2020, and had PTSD all season from their visit to Baltimore. Ryan Leibold kept his n95 mask on under his cage to prevent any further insinuations that he was really Sponge Harris.

The Tigers had a secret weapon to use in the vacant lot – double runner skates they bought at a used sporting goods store in eastern Iowa on their way to the tournament site. This allowed them to get better traction and stomp on a few feet in the process, raising the ire of the Crusader coaching staff. But the voice of Dr. Khan (the unseen camp director) informed them that no Bottom Feeder rules expressly prevented them from doing so.
Despite their territorial advantage, CC was just as futile at scoring as they were during the season and the teams combined for no goals in regulation or overtime. With more games to be played on the site, Miss Thundercat yelled down from her window to “get this s**t over with already” and offered a tiebreaker. Each team would submit a blind bid for a DoorDash order where they would pick up the Commish’s tab – whoever had the higher bid would eliminate themselves from the competition. Both bids came in via envelope, and to her disgust Miss Thundercat found that the teams had offered equal bids of $4.38. Incensed, she immediately ordered a penalty shootout.

With no scoring through 17 attempts for either team, CC’s Troy Conzo looked to have the win on his stick. But when he swung it toward the net, it shattered and sent pieces flying everywhere. When Ug looked at him incredulously, Conzo explained “this thing just came apart”. Ug screamed “DONKEY LIPS” just as Miss Thundercat emerged again from her window with a shard of stick and a broken coffee cup. In a fit of rage, she declared Holy Cross the winner out of spite.

CC advances to their second consecutive Futile Four.
 
We interrupt the coverage of this year's Bottom Feeder tournament to remind you of the past quartet of Futile Four participants and winners.

2017
Michigan State (winner)
Brown (runner-up)
Arizona State
UMass

2018
RPI (winner)
Western Michigan (runner-up)
Michigan State
Niagara

2019
Wisconsin (winner)
Michigan State (runner-up)
Canisius
Merrimack

2020
Alabama-Huntsville (winner)
St. Lawrence (runner-up)
Colorado College
Vermont
 
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