Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.
NoWinS final: UAH vs. Canisius.
Miss Thundercat is drunk with a fuzzy memory. Let's see if she can piece together what happened.
Period 1
With no real ice left over from the first two games, Miss Thundercat declared PLAY ON! Matt Pogue of Canisius decided to try and slide over what was left of the ice, swinging the puck to the far left corner. Max Coyle of UAH found Miss Thundercat's beer. He popped one open, and the puck came to him. He exclaimed "oh sh-t," and threw the beer bottle at Pogue. He missed, and hit Miss Thundercat instead. Miss Thundercat was upset, and instructed the refs (a Rusty's store employee) to call a major). Coyle was offered the chance to eat the tomalley in lieu of a penalty, and he took it. He managed to get it down, and play continued. Matt Long of UAH grabbed the puck, but as he got it down the "ice," Coyle also threw up the tomalley, leaving vomit everywhere. No clean up crews, so we played on. Long got it to his teammate Liam Izyk, and Corbett distracted the ref long enough for Izyk to pick up the puck with his hands and *place* it in the net. The local theater troupe re-enacted it, and another Rusty's employee saw it, so no goal. Period ends at 0-0.
Intermission:
Trevor Large of Canisius declares his love of Red Lobster to Miss Thundercat. Miss Thundercat yawned and announced there would be a tomalley eating contest between Large and Corbett. Both protested vigorously, which led to bench minors for both UAH and Canisius. Both coaches participated, with Large finishing the tomalley while Corbett turned green and vomited halfway through. No medical attention was given to Corbett.
Period 2.
Jack Jeffers of UAH is nowhere to be found. 7 minutes after the period started, he's missing one of his socks and there is a faint odor emanating from his rear. As for the bench minors assessed to both Large and Corbett, both teams agreed to a lukewarm coffee drinking contest without cream and sugar. No one could finish, so Matt Hoover of Canisius stayed off the "ice" for a minute, while Jeffers was pulled back off the ice. Both teams struggled to move, wishing they could have the correct sticks for their hand, and Miss Thundercat kept drinking while teams were staring at her. Jeffers got back on the "ice" and moved toward Matt Ladd of Canisius. Connor Wood of UAH saw Jeffers, managed to get the puck to him, and Jeffers poked it through for a goal. Local theater troupe confirms it, so it's 1-0 UAH. As the period is winding down, Connor Merkley pushes another puck past Ladd to make it 2-0 UAH.
Intermission:
Miss Thundercat came down to her last bottle of Labatt. ****, she screams. She brings JJM over to chat about what they've seen, and this is way better than last year's NoWinS. Way better.
Period 3:
There was no real action. Players kept getting stuck, pucks didn't go anywhere. Canisius managed to cut the score in half when Matt Stief bounced a puck off the commish's Nikes and it managed to flop past Mark Sinclair. Rusty's employees weren't paying attention, and the local theater troupe re-enacted the lucky bounce. Even after replay, Rusty's employees didn't care, so the score remained 2-1 UAH. But on the UAH side, Tanner Hickey WANTED to try the tomalley, and the commish set the boy up. When he started to vomit, Miss Thundercat directed him away from her $100 Nikes. But as Hickey clutched his stomach in agony, Miss Thundercat pushed him out of the way so she could see. But the clock ran out, and the score at 0:00 was UAH 2, Canisius 1.
Trevor Large didn't want the NoWinS trophy either, and the last I heard, Matt Hoover and JD Pogue of Canisius were seen trying to destroy it with their sticks. We'll find it for next year.
With that in mind, the Commish and JJM are headed back to Michigan, ready to plan next year's NoWinS.
