Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

[Snively65]

The El Camino has no muffler, so I'm announcing my presence in every town. It also only maxes out at 49mph before the spoiled food starts falling out, so I'm making my way down historic Route 66.

Might be on the outskirts of Oklahoma City by dark. They can't start without me, I have the only pucks in this state.

Marty the Cat on Mt Washington says we do not need stinking pucks, as we can use chunks of coal spilled by the Cog Trains (most but not all were converted to biodiesel). Marty says no worries, GM, as Cats apparently cannot contract the coronavirus from humans.

[John J. MacInnes]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

West Regional – Edmond, OK

Your regional reporter JJM made it to the Arctic Edge Ice Arena just before midnight on March 14th, with the rusty 1982 El Camino spewing thick exhaust directly from the manifold. Alaska governor Mike Dunleavy was outside the doors already, asking why his alma mater Misericordia wasn’t in the field. He was instructed to haul all the food inside, consisting of various spoiled gas station offerings picked up along the drive from downtown Chicago where the El Camino was rented. Dunleavy tried to immediately cancel the regional, but was overruled by JJM as the acting tournament official.

Vermont vs Brown

The first game of the regional pitted the Catamounts and the Bears, with neither team ready to play at the scheduled drop of the puck. It then was learned that the tournament designated campground sponsored by Viper Properties LLC had been overrun with bedbugs, and all the uniforms were infested. Dunleavy ordered that the teams would not be able to exchange them for new ones, so to prevent the further spread of the infestation the teams were required to wear them inside out and hope that the accumulated equipment stench would kill the bugs off. Viper Properties LLC took no responsibility for the incident.

With Vermont goalie Stefanos Lekkas furiously scratching in his crease, he wasn’t able to compose himself long enough to stop all three shots Brown put on goal in the first period. The Bears bench was full of scabs and blood spatters, but they managed to will themselves into only scratching when not on the ice. 3-0 Bears after 1.

In the first intermission, Catamount forward Thomas Beretta scooped up a pile of dead bedbugs and amalgamated them into a puck-shaped object. He fired it at Brown goalie Gavin Nieto and it exploded as he took it off the shoulder, littering the carcasses all over him and the crease. Nieto was overcome with disgust and took off for the bench, leaving the net unguarded. Vermont scored twice before the Bears coaches could convince Nieto to return after the crease had been partially swept free. 3-2 Bears after 2.

In the third, VT’s Vlad Dzhioshvili managed to quit scratching long enough to break free in the closing seconds to score from the top of the left circle. But Dunleavy ruled the goal out, citing a little-known Alaska statute preventing Russian influence in US territorial waters. Without that tying goal, Kevin Sneddon’s stay was extended by one more game as Brown eliminated themselves with a 3-2 win.

Next up – Canisius vs Wisconsin.

[MissThundercat]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

Midwest Regional: Isle Royale

Your commissioner, huskyfan, and Frank made it after a 2 day trip on a jet ski. At least Jet Ski Guy didn't get lost. However, huskyfan whined about Frank the entire trip. Upon getting off the jet ski, the Commish told huskyfan and Frank to can it and help unload the Save A Lot version of Chunky Soup. Frank brought a gun for hunting, though we told him park rangers would have none of it. huskyfan and Frank have not listened to the commissioner, and are arguing about who drinks the best beer. There was no time to rest after a two day journey, so we got right into action.

Game 1: Return of the Mack vs. Alternate Reality Miami

We all got off the jet skis, walked to the camp site, and found Lake Desor still frozen. We told Frank to set up trash cans on the lake about 200 feet away from each other; he stopped at 175'. huskyfan put cases of Corona where the red lines were, since we were told we couldn't paint the ice when we got there. Scott Borek of Merrimack asked if he could have a Corona; Frank barked at him that it was HIS beer. Not to be intimidated, Borek grabbed a bottle and opened it in front of Frank. Chris Bergeron of Miami also snuck a Corona, and the game got underway.

On the opening face off, Ryan Savage of Miami won and tried to score. The puck sailed over Jere Huhtamaa's head and down the lake 50 more feet. Frank, in between sips of Corona, told teams to chase after it, because that was the only one he brought. Tyler Irvine of the Mack skated and got the puck; when he tried to come back, his skate got stuck in the ice and he tripped. Chase Pletzke of Miami decided to be a jerk, take the puck, and bank it off Huhtamaa's back and into the trash can. Frank allowed it, and it was quickly 1-0 Miami. After Irvine managed to get back to his feet, he also had a Corona, then whipped the bottle off Pletzke's head, shattering off his helmet. huskyfan was aghast and tried to clean up the glass, but Commissioner Amber Marie pulled her back. That's how the period would end, 1-0 Miami.

In the second period, Bergeron tried to yell at Amber Marie, calling her an idiot, moron, putz, and a homo. Miss Amber can be called an idiot, but she draws the line at homo. She decked Bergeron in the back of the head, then dumped her Death Wish on his head. As if that wasn't enough, she pulled him off the bench so he could make her MORE coffee. While this was going on, Chase Gresock picked up Frank's gun and killed a gray squirrel that was near the Merrimack "bench." Park rangers caught wind of this, and gave Gresock a hefty fine, payable before Merrimack left the island. "Where am I going to get $3,000?" he moaned. While that was going on, Declan Carlile of Merrimack fired it past Ryan Larkin to make it 1-1. That's how the period would end.

In the second intermission, Borek wanted another bottle of Corona, so did Bergeron. They started talking, and realized they had a lot in common. "Did we just become best friends?" Frank was visibly upset they were drinking his beer, so he pulled out a KBC Widow Maker, skating up to them and saying this was the best beer and they were drinking garbage water. The coaches had enough of Frank, so they dumped their beer on his head. Frank tried to give them 2 minutes each for some unexplained penalty, but they both decided not to serve it.

In the third period, there was more chaos and confusion, as huskyfan and Frank got into a shoving match at center ice, and they were both smashing bottles of Corona on each other. In the chaos, Ben Brar got the puck and a bottle of beer, lazily skated up to Larkin, and offered him a sip. "Thanks, buddy!" While Larkin was taking a swig, Brar put the puck past Larkin to give Merrimack a 2-1 lead. That's how the game would end, and Merrimack would be leaving Isle Royale, once Gresock pays a $3,000 fine.

[John J. MacInnes]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

West Regional Game 2

Canisius vs Wisconsin

Due to staffing shortages at the Arctic Edge Ice Arena, no one was available to operate the Zamboni. Your intrepid committee member JJM made the executive decision to use the El Camino to resurface the ice, with Alaska governor Mike Dunleavy hanging out the back pouring water over the floor mats to do the flood. We zip-tied a 2x4 to the front for a scrape. It did a less than adequate job, so fully acceptable for our tournament. The extra exhaust directly from the manifold and excessive noise only heightened the effect.

Wisconsin came out flying (or as close to it as possible in the conditions) and Tony Granato slipped Dunleavy a counterfeit gift certificate to Blimpie’s Subs to ignore any offside calls. This allowed the Caufield brothers to camp out in the offensive zone, and they peppered the net with a Bottom Feeder record 43 shots on goal in the first period. Griffs goalie Jacob Barczewski was heroic in stopping 35 of them, but that still gave the Badgers an 8-0 lead after 20 minutes.

In the second, the ice conditions worsened even further after Dunleavy dropped two of the floor mats during the ice make. He lost his grip while eating the phony certificate itself after he learned it could not be redeemed. Both of the mats froze into the surface, one near center ice and one in front of the goal Canisius was defending in the second period. Both MacGregor Sinclair and Keaton Mastrodonato were lost to the Griffs when they hit a mat at full speed and were sent careening into the boards. Wyatt Kalynuk scored the only goal of the period with a fourth rebound against Barczewski, who made another 41 saves in the period to reach a total of 76 and keep the score at 9-0 after 40 minutes.

With Barczewski totally exhausted and now almost unable to breathe with the thick smoke from the El Camino, Canisius had no choice but to use backup goalie Matt Ladd for the third period. They Dunleavy made a surprise announcement – he had been tallying the number of Badger offsides in the game, and as retribution for the Blimpie’s trick he had a surprise for Granato. Each of the offside infractions would now be counted as a goal for the Golden Griffs – and that made the score 16-9 Canisius. Badger assistant coach Mark Osiecki erupted in a tirade from the bench, and was assessed the first ever 5-minute bench minor along with an ejection. That second penalty was rescinded by JJM after overruling Dunleavy on the grounds that it would be worse for him to stay and watch. Without their biggest weapon (the offside players) Wisconsin put on a furious series of rushes to equalize the game in the final minute. On the ensuing faceoff after the game was tied, the Griffs leading scorer Nick Hutchison hid the puck under the still partially frozen floor mat at center and waited until all the badgers skated past. Seeing his chance, Trevor Large waved for Ladd to come off for an extra skater. The Griffins came in on Jack Berry with a 6 on 0 breakaway, but at the key moment Matt Hoover sent a pass that hit the other frozen floor mat and deflected the puck all the way to the other end. All the Badgers got back onside, and with :03 on the clock K’Andre Miller scored to make the final 17-16.

Canisius immediately protested that Miller had declared to go pro, and was therefore ineligible to play in the game in the first place. JJM asked Dunleavy what he would rule to be fair, and the governor said he agreed with the Golden Griffins. That was enough for JJM, who awarded the win to Wisconsin. The 17-16 score was the highest in Bottom Feeder history, and Wisconsin’s 119 shots on goal also set a new record. Granato and his team were freed from the arena with some rancid hot dogs and salsa from the back of the El Camino, and Canisius ‘advanced’ to the regional final.

[FadeToBlack&Gold]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

My flight into MOB was delayed over 2 hours due to a dozen people who wanted off the plane when a passenger had a coughing fit. Turns out the pax had emphysema.

Portera got to Mobile in time for the first game, which I believe was Ferris Wheel vs. the CC Potheads. Working on getting notes from him, but he keeps trying to announce that he's ending Ferris' program, so I had to take his phone away.

Updates coming later.

[huskyfan]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

way too much beer wasted on Isle Royale. I'm still in shock Frank would drink Corona. I thought he would think it's virus infected.

[MissThundercat]

Miss Thundercat moved and didn't bring her computer today. She'll have the rest of the Isle Royale regional up sometime tomorrow night.

[MissThundercat]

Miss Thundercat moved and didn't bring her computer today. She'll have the rest of the Isle Royale regional up sometime tomorrow night.

My regional will be up tonight.

Fade, GFM, do what you want with your regionals. Try to remember the more absurd and ludicrous, the better.

[gfmorris]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

Rudy Gobert is over here face-washing all of the UAH players.

GFM

[John J. MacInnes]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

West Regional Final

Canisius vs Vermont

Two of the four teams from the NoWinS tournament squared off to try and avoid the next step in ignominy. Before the game, Alaska governor Mike Dunleavy attempted to avoid the game by consolidating the two teams into one horrible team by eliminating all the best players. JJM told him that it was far and away his best idea of the weekend, but he was still vetoed. The game went on as scheduled, with one exception – the normal arena lights refused to turn on, so the entire game was played in disco lights.

Dunleavy’s next rule addressed his hatred of iTech face masks, and he ordered all of them painted over in black matte finish. This neutralized a number of players, most notably Keaton Mastrodonato and Matt Stief of Canisius who also were retching from the smell of the fresh lacquer. Dunleavy then offered a bonus 5 minute power play to the team who could put the worst combined plus/minus rating on the ice, and gave the coaches 30 seconds to figure it out. Trevor Large sent out Ryan Miotto, Lee Lapid, Austin Alger, David Melaragni, and MacGregor Sinclair: their total was -65. Kevin Sneddon countered with Owen Grant, Matt O’Donnell, Matt Alvaro, Max Kaufman, and Cory Thomas: their total was -62, so the Griffs got the man advantage. They scored twice, and led 2-0 after one.

In the second, Vermont’s Johnny Deroche snuck into the Canisius bench and tied the skates of 7 players together without anyone noticing. The resulting confusion made chaos on the bench, and while they tried to extricate their teammates Canisius surrendered three goals to trail 3-2 headed for the third.

At the end of the ice make by the El Camino in the second intermission, Dunleavy again dropped another mat being used for the flood. He also spilled out some expired All-Sport and rancid nacho cheese, with all of it in front of the Vermont bench. The Golden Griffins quickly notched a pair of goals while Stefanos Lekkas tried to figure out a way to get back to the next past the mess. It stayed that way until Derek Lodermeier let out a blood curdling scream from the bench and shot out onto the ice on a change, heading at full speed into the Canisius end and walloping an almighty shot that clanged off post, crossbar, the other post, and the back of Matt Ladd into the net. Instead of celebrating, he tore his sweater off to show the bedbugs had returned from the campsite and bitten him senseless. The game remained tied 4-4 until the last minute, when a puck was deflected into the front seat of the El Camino (strategically left at center ice after it ran out of gas). Both teams found a puck and skated in to score with 11 seconds left on the clock, which meant Dunleavy had to rule on which was the legal puck at the time. After careful deliberation, he ruled that the Canisius throwback bumblebee sweaters were so awful that he never wanted to see them again, so he chose to award the goal to the Golden Griffins. So Kevin Sneddon must keep going in his lame duck career behind the bench as Canisius eliminated themselves with a 5-4 win.

JJM wished Dunleavy good luck in finding a way back to Juneau, sloshed a couple gallons into the El Camino, dropped off all the rest of the rancid food in the two locker rooms, and hit the road back for the Rent-A-Wreck in Chicago.

[FadeToBlack&Gold]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

BFB South Regional Semi-Final 1 from Mobile, AL

Bueller?...Bueller? vs. Cheech & Chong

The refs and linesmen were culled from a local drop-in league, but due to the need for social distancing they were required to stand in opposite corners, behind the glass and also double as the goal judges. CC skated out to a country-fried cover of "Eye of the Tiger" pre-recorded by Bobby Okra & the Hoochie Coochies, a local casino bar band. FSU's Jason Tackett won the opening draw, passed it back to Jake Willets, and then pulled out a hip flask of white lightning he got from some guy named Deandre who owns a local juke joint and took a big gulp. FSU entered the zone like a wasted freshman busted at a Big Rapids house party enters the Mecosta County Jail, and Marshall Moise fired a sloppy shot in the general direction of Matt Vernon, who easily made the save. The teams proceeded to go back and forth for the rest of the first period which ended scoreless, with shots 7-5 in favor of the Tiggsies.

During the first intermission, your assistant commish arrived hangry and disheveled from his delayed flight, and ordered Portera to go out and pick up a couple of burgers. The bastard came back with Krystal sliders, "because they're the cheapest". That'll teach me to be more specific with my demands for the rest of the trip.

CC started off the second period by bringing out a few water bongs and bags of Doritos to pass around the bench between shifts. At some point in the early minutes of the period, one of the refs also got a hold of the bong and took several rips. Unaware it was the one loaded with a 100% sativa super-strain and lacking experience with the devil's lettuce, he was running around the rink and acting paranoid within minutes. This resulted in several phantom/hallucinatory penalties being called on both teams, and their power play units went to work. CC's Chris Wilkie scored first when Nate Kallen broke the PK box to try and help himself to a bag of Doritos from the CC bench. Ferris scored due to dumb luck, when a shot that would've gone wide right deflected in off the left buttock of a glassy-eyed Kristian Blumenschein. The second period ended with the teams knotted at 1, and shots 14-12 in favor of CC.

During the second intermission, Malcolm Portera put on a clown mask. He crept up behind the stoned ref attempting to dial 911, and yelled "BOO!". The terrified ref dropped his phone and ran away screaming something about The Joker. Portera, cartoonishly cackling to himself, used the phone to log into his Twitter account and announce that he was shutting down Ferris State's hockey program due to budget constraints. Your assistant commish was not pleased, and he immediately ordered Portera to delete the Tweet and go the penalty box to serve a 10 minute misconduct.

To start the third, FSU skated out having changed into some long-sleeve shirts with the Denver logo hastily spray-painted on them. Soon, all of the Tigers who had hit the sativa bong were confused into thinking it was a Gold Pan game, and became paranoid. This lead to a fatal mistake with 5:03 left on the clock when Bryan Yoon skated away from his assignment instead of hitting him, leading to a 2-on-1 for Moise and Tackett, who both sobered up just long enough for Moise to shoot the puck under Vernon's blocker, off the left post, off Vernon's back and into the net. Portera, having sprung himself from the box, then put on the clown mask again and literally chased Vernon into the locker room. Ferris would go on to hit the empty net twice and seal the deal for a final score of 4-1.

FSU wins and goes home, while Colorado College advances to the BFB South Regional Finals, to await the loser of UHN/#54 Onion.

Game 2 Semi-Final results coming later.

[MissThundercat]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

Midwest Regional Game 2: SLUT vs. Holy Cross (What Are They Crusading For? One Win?)

Isle Royale

Back at Lake Desor, huskyfan, Frank, and Miss Thundercat were around to watch game 2, which involved Holy Cross facing off against SLUT.

Period 1. Everything started fine. Frank was being reasonable, calling everything fair as it was. Still kept skating over for Corona, but other than that, everything was going okay. Then Zach Risteau of SLUT shot a puck that went off Frank's right skate, behind Matt Radomsky and into the trash can. It was ruled a goal, but Frank was displeased a puck touched his immaculate legs. Risteau was given a 10 minute misconduct and while SLUT was without their leading scorer, Pete Kessel and Neil Robinson of Holy Cross scored quickly to give the Crusaders a 2-1 lead. 5 minutes into the misconduct, Risteau decided he didn't want to serve the penalty and left the refrigerator box meant to serve penalties. He also helped himself to a bottle of Corona. While Risteau was hanging out by Radomsky having a beer and shooting the breeze, the puck came to him and he tipped it past the Holy Cross netminder to even it at 2. That's how the period would end.

In the second period, not a lot happened. Plenty of beer was consumed, some cigarettes were smoked by David Berard, but no goals were scored. However, Berard flicked a butt near Frank, which led to Frank also giving Holy Cross a 2 minute bench minor.

In the intermission, huskyfan had enough of Frank and picked up Frank's hunting rifle. She had no idea how to work the **** thing, but she took aim at Frank and tried to shoot him. The bullet went off into the distance, and park rangers ended up giving her a $3,000 fine as well.

In the third period, with everything locked at 2 and time winding down, Conner Jean of Holy Cross took the puck and headed toward Daniel Manniella. However, he got stuck in the stray beer bottles near Manniella's trash can. A shot was fired, but went nowhere amidst the Corona bottles. Since all the SLU players were all drinking beer at the other end of the ice, Jean tried again and got the puck past the SLU goalie with 3.6 seconds remaining. That's how it would end, and SLUT advanced to the regional final.

Midwest Final may or may not be posted tonight. Then again, nothing says this tournament is known for timely results.

[John J. MacInnes]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

Note to Miss Thundercat and all other committee members.

We need a fan poll to determine their favorite recap/game of the tournament.

[MissThundercat]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

When I get back from work tonight, I will get the Midwest regional final up.

GFM, if you'd rather I write the Northeast Regional, let me know today, and I'll string something up.

[gfmorris]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

When I get back from work tonight, I will get the Midwest regional final up.

GFM, if you'd rather I write the Northeast Regional, let me know today, and I'll string something up.

Fine by me, I'm swamped with work right now.

GFM