Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

[John J. MacInnes]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

Due to wolves, rampaging moose and Frank, the tournament on Isle Royale has been temporarily suspend to restock beer and get firearm training.

We made it off the Island, thanks to Jet Ski man and friends. Now I've lost Frank ...

The wolf-moose observation team has located Frank. He's currently telling a large moose herd how he would be finding much better plants to graze.

They also have a bead on Jet Ski Guy. The Canadian Coast Guard says he's headed the wrong way again, and they're tracking him headed towards Michipicoten Island. Better get him to turn around huskyfan, or you're in big trouble. That's not even counting what the Commish has in store either.

[joecct]

Did you know Frank coached Lake States to an NCAA Championship? The smallest school ever to win? I do.

With a big assist to Frank Cole.

[huskyfan]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

heading back immediately after we get beer. and Frank.

[FadeToBlack&Gold]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

BFB South Regional Semi-Final 2 from Mobile, AL

University of No Hardware vs. Dutch Ovens

Senior Union forward and leading scorer Anthony Rinaldi was issued an immediate game disqualification by the still-hangry assistant commish after he was discovered attempting to sneak a pizza into the rink for his pre-game meal. Yours truly confiscated the pizza for his own personal consumption, leaving the now cold sack of untouched Krystal sliders on the UHN bench as an in-game snack. Also, during the break between games, Portera learned that composite hockey sticks and top-flight pairs of skates cost $200+ each. As a cost-containment measure, he immediately had both teams' sticks and skates packed up and returned to the manufacturers for refund. He replaced them with equipment borrowed from the rental shop. Finally, since Portera spent a majority of the zamboni rental budget on his stupid clown mask, it was determined we could only afford to resurface three stripes of ice in a large 'S' shape.

The first period saw a flurry of sloppy early action as both teams adjusted to using their beat-up, factory-configured equipment and the inconsistent ice conditions. About 8 minutes in, it looked like the Kitties' Angus Crookshank was in alone on a breakaway, until he skated too close to the border between the resurfaced and not resurfaced ice, caught an edge, and went down. Union caught a break when the refs gave junior Wildcat forward Eric MacAdams five and a game for slewfooting with 6:13 to play. The vaunted #56 power play unit in the country went to work, and scored with 1:32 remaining when a Dylan Anhorn chip shot from the point deflected off a large divot in the bad stripe of ice and bounced up over the shoulder of Kitty Cat goaltender Mike Robinson. The period would end 1-0 in favor of Union, with shots 14-8 in favor of UHN.

Unfortunately for UHN, backup goaltender Ty Taylor ate all the Krystal sliders while sitting on the bench during the first period, and by the time the second started, the indigestion had settled in. Within minutes, he had his hapless squad's bench ensconced in a permanent fart cloud. This led to several UHN players trying to escape the bench all at once, and resulted in them being flagged for a too many men penalty with 12:11 remaining. Chaz Smedsrud scored for the Dutch Ovens on the ensuing powerplay. The remainder of the second was uneventful as the Kitties forced Taylor to sit at the opposite end of the bench while they all crowded around upwind.

During the second intermission, Portera decided he was bored with the lack of scoring. When he looked up how much goalie pads cost, he sent all of them back and made the goalies tie some extra pillows around their legs and shoulders.

To start the third, the Kitties made the decision to switch goalies. Mainly this was just to get Taylor away from the bench, but also because they suspected it might help keep Union out of their end of the rink. The strategy paid off, as Union couldn't bear the smell coming from their offensive zone and never got another close shot on net. Reduced to defending his net with pillows, junior Union goaltender Darion Hanson was unable to stop the No Hardware onslaught, and coughed up six goals. Frankly, your assistant commish was too tired to bother keeping the scoresheet at this point, and he was constantly distracted by Portera's complains about costs.

New Hampstah wins and goes home, whilst Union punches their ticket to the BFB South Regional Final with a final score of 6-2.

[huskyfan]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

collared Frank and have loaded beer and firearms. will head out once the storm clears.

Isle Royale is ideal for social distancing.

[huskyfan]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

Heading out first thing Saturday morning!

[FadeToBlack&Gold]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

Got sick of Portera b*tching about money last night and locked him out of our shared room at the Port City Inn, so I could try and get some shut-eye. I'll try and have the recap on the South Regional Final up tonight.

[huskyfan]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

My last post for a while. No cell service on Isle Royale. Oh. Wait. We have a sat phone. And a television crew. And blue skies and calm seas.

I must issue apologies to the Commish, to the tournament and its fans. I have really ******ed up. Big time. We met up with Jet Ski man and were loading beer, firearms and teams into the zodiacs. Players were required to travel dressed since there would be no changing rooms. No room for gear, we could cut down branches for sticks. Make pucks out of ice. 3 on 3 hockey, to keep down the number of players needing transport. No real nets in pond hockey, so no goalies. I had cleverly stashed bottles of Pink Whitney and Ketel One and a gun in my puffy and down my snow pants. I looked like the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man.

As we finished loading, I watched as trucks towing boats pulled up to the launch ramp. Real boats, not rubber rafts or jet skis, real friggin boats of every size. Happy people in various jerseys worn over their puffys poured from the trucks. Men, women and children(!) Surely this had nothing to do with us? As I watched in puzzlement, I noticed a big smirk on Frank's face. And then, to my unfolding horror, I watched as these happy people began loading their boats with tents,sleeping bags,grills,snow shovels,four real hockey nets,benches,big bags of real food (a violation of tournament rules),cases of beer, liquor and wine (wine? another violation),firewood,bags of sticks,sat phone,skate sharpening machine,pizza oven,patio heaters, several generators, sump pump (I know what that's for, you ********, you are going to make smooth ice),popcorn maker,an entire pickup truck load of toilet paper,scoreboard,a box of participation trophies,dasher boards and bleachers. An entire Schwann's truck drove onto one of the boats. Four guys carrying suit bags with ref clothes. One looked familiar but he had his hat flaps pulled down and I couldn't see all of his face. Two guys in Star Tribune swag, one carrying camera gear, including a lens as big as my thigh. A television crew.

When Frank slipped away from me yesterday, he called the Star Tribune and did an interview. He pulled out a copy of today's edition. There was a picture of him on the front page. The headline read "Frank Anzalone to hold Hockey Tournament on Isle Royale". I reached down my snowpants for the gun and pulled out a bottle of Pink Whitney instead. Never one to pass up vodka, I began chugging it. Frank tried to grab the bottle for a drink. With alcohol fueled strength, I pushed him down in the snow. I punched him in the face, but with choppers on, no damage was done. He laughed and said the boats were loaded with cases of Pink Whitney.

Reached into my puffy for another bottle and I pulled out the gun instead. Knowing this tournament was *** and I would never be asked to coordinate another I went to shoot myself. Two guys in Minnesota State sweaters grabbed the gun and held me while I cried and chugged vodka. Don't worry, be happy, it will all come right, we've got this covered, they said.

The Minnesotans were so delighted, so happy, so polite, so nice... I managed a weak smile.

The Jet Ski Guy and friends clambered aboard a boat and cracked beers. The entire Miami and Merrimack teams jumped aboard a cabin cruiser, holding growlers and pieces of Do North pizza. The three Miami goalies gave me the finger. A55hats. Frank bounded up the steps to a yacht. He was holding a glass of Johnny Walker Blue. I was bundled aboard a boat and shoved down into the cabin. Helpful hands pulled a t-shirt over my head. Imprinted on it : "Frank Anzalone's Futile Four 2020 Isle Royale State of Hockey" I blew my nose on it. I was handed a real glass glass with Pink Whitney on the rocks. And a plate of hot dish. **** you Frank! Two women in St, Clouud sweaters hugged me and said all was forgiven. f'in traitors, dumping the WCHA for a plate of nachos.

As the boats revved up their engines the TVv in the cabin flickered to life. WDIO in Duloth had pre-empted regular scheduled programming to go wall- to-- wall coverage of the tournement. They had just feenished a live interview with Frannk.

Freak has wrcked this tournament and my dreamn of seeing a Fffutile Four played, on Casino Royale. Hicup. Isle RRRoyale. Well, Frank and the Commish and JJM. Actually more the Commish and JJM. What were they thinking involving Frank in thiss

I stmbled sup top an waa seck. **** st, clouud fns hed my haair

[MissThundercat]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

But none of those people made it to Lake Desor. There was no passable trail for them to walk through, because Miss Thundercat and Chris Bergeron paid park rangers to look away while we did some strategic illegal logging.

Midwest Regional Final: SLUT vs. Miami

With huskyfan and Frank obliterated, the Commish grabbed a Captain's Chair and reffed the final HERSELF. With Scott Borek back, he volunteered to be a linesman for a lame Commish. Upon Face off, Jordan Steinmetz got the puck and made Frank go chase it. "This is fine," Miss Thundercat said as she started chugging cheap Rosé from the bottle. While our adorable Commish was getting hammered on cheap wine, Casey Gilling of Miami scored. 1-0 Miami. A few minutes later, Alex Gilmour of SLUT tied it up at one when he placed the puck in the trash can. A period ending brawl happened.

In period 2, Miss Thundercat and Borek continued to get drunk together as they looked the other way. However, Miss Thundercat was on her 3rd bottle of wine when Gordie Green of Miami skated too close. She barfed all over his skates; he was frozen and disgusted at the same time. Ashton Fry of SLUT stole the puck and scored, giving SLUT a 2-1 lead. While Gordie Green was toweling off, his teammate Ryan Savage scored and grabbed a bottle of Corona. That's how the period would end, tied at 2.

In the third, Derek Daschke of Miami gave Miss Thundercat $25, enough for a bag of Death Wish Coffee. While she was putting the money in her purse, he gave Miami the lead. SLU would try and tie it up, but when Jordan Steinmetz shot the puck, it slowed down in the vomit. Miami would put one more on the board when Karch Bachman performed the old "hidden puck" trick and deposited it in the trash can behind Daniel Maniella. Miami would win 4-2 and SLUT would punch their ticket to the Futile Four.

[MissThundercat]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

The Commish just got some garbled results back from the Northeast.

Lake Inferior State made sure they got off Mt. Washington in a hurry, beating UAH 19-0. Max Humitz of Inferior scored 9 goals.

Mercyhurst wanted to join the other Lakers going home, as James Anderson of Mercyhurst scored all 4 goals in the game.

Marty got plenty of head scratches.

Regional Final: UAA vs. UAH.

We think UAH may have contracted COVID-19 as a team, because they were coughing, short of breath, and had fevers of 100.6. We made them play UAA anyway, and they were no match for the Seapuppies. That being said, the Seapuppies managed to score 7 goals standing 180 feet away from UAH.

UAH punches their ticket to Baltimore.

[Jimjamesak]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

The Commish just got some garbled results back from the Northeast.

Lake Inferior State made sure they got off Mt. Washington in a hurry, beating UAH 19-0. Max Humitz of Inferior scored 9 goals.

Mercyhurst wanted to join the other Lakers going home, as James Anderson of Mercyhurst scored all 4 goals in the game.

Marty got plenty of head scratches.

Regional Final: UAA vs. UAH.

We think UAH may have contracted COVID-19 as a team, because they were coughing, short of breath, and had fevers of 100.6. We made them play UAA anyway, and they were no match for the Seapuppies. That being said, the Seapuppies managed to score 7 goals standing 180 feet away from UAH.

UAH punches their ticket to Baltimore.

*sigh*

Still counts.

Birthday Pinkie GIF from Birthday GIFs

[MissThundercat]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

Special favor to ask of JJM and Fade: would you two be willing to take a Futile Four game if I wrote the final?

Coffee for Fade, Upper Hand beer for JJM.

[FadeToBlack&Gold]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

Special favor to ask of JJM and Fade: would you two be willing to take a Futile Four game if I wrote the final?

Coffee for Fade, Upper Hand beer for JJM.

I can probably take a FF semi final, but don't expect timely results.

[MissThundercat]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

I can probably take a FF semi final, but don't expect timely results.

Timely results are for that "other" tournament. Remember last year, I didn't have the final up until almost May.

[RPI fan 4 life]

Re: Bottom Feeders 2019-20: Timely Results Are For That "Other" Tournament.

3/4 of the Futile Four are set: UAH, Varmint, and SLUT. Just waiting for the loser of CC and Onion. Who plays who?