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Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

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  • Originally posted by ShirtlessBob View Post
    What do you with a sick chemist?

    Well, if you can't helium, and you can't curium, you might as well barium.
    the enema of my enema is my friend.
    CCT '77 & '78
    4 kids
    5 grandsons (BCA 7/09, CJA 5/14, JDL 8/14, JFL 6/16, PJL 7/18)
    1 granddaughter (EML 4/18)

    ”Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both.”
    - Benjamin Franklin

    Banned from the St. Lawrence University Facebook page - March 2016 (But I got better).

    I want to live forever. So far, so good.

    Comment


    • Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

      Originally posted by ShirtlessBob View Post
      The guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?

      Art.
      And if he falls to the floor, would he be Matt?

      Comment


      • Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

        How can you tell a male chemist from a male biologist?

        The former washes his hands before he uses the urinal.




        An accountant and an actuary are having a conversation. How can you tell which is which?

        The accountant is looking at the other person's shoes.
        "Hope is a good thing; maybe the best of things."

        "Beer is a sign that God loves us and wants us to be happy." -- Benjamin Franklin

        "Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy." -- W. B. Yeats

        "People generally are most impatient with those flaws in others about which they are most ashamed of in themselves." - folk wisdom

        Comment


        • Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

          Okay, so what follows isn't quite a pun, but it's close.


          An elderly couple is in the doctor's office. Like many elderly couples back in that nostalgic time when you could keep your doctor if you liked him or her, after one was examined, the doctor spoke to both of them together.

          He (or she..) asked them how they were getting along. S/he then mentioned that, as many people aged, they would notice that, from time to time, their short-term memory would become occasionally unreliable, which might lead to friction between them. S/he suggested that they write things down to reduce the chances of conflict over who had promised to do what by when. They both agreed it sounded like a sensible idea.

          Later that afternoon, they are watching television together. The husband gets up to go to the kitchen.

          "I'm going to make an ice cream sundae. Can I get you one too?"

          -- Sure, she replies. I'd like vanilla ice cream....say, shouldn't you write this down, like the doctor recommended?

          "I'll remember. Vanilla ice cream, check!"

          -- okay, and whipped cream...are you sure you don't want to write this down?

          "I'll remember. Vanilla ice cream with whipped cream, check!"

          -- and chocolate sprinkles and a maraschino cherry on top! -- are you SURE you don't want to write this down?

          "Vanilla ice cream, whipped cream, chocolate sprinkles, and a maraschino cherry. Got it!"

          and off he goes into the kitchen.

          Several minutes later, he comes back carrying a tray with two plates. Each plate has scrambled eggs, sausage, and hash browns, and there are two mugs of coffee too.

          The wife is annoyed: "I told you that you should write it down! you forgot the toast!"
          "Hope is a good thing; maybe the best of things."

          "Beer is a sign that God loves us and wants us to be happy." -- Benjamin Franklin

          "Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy." -- W. B. Yeats

          "People generally are most impatient with those flaws in others about which they are most ashamed of in themselves." - folk wisdom

          Comment


          • Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

            Originally posted by owslachief View Post
            And if he falls to the floor, would he be Matt?
            Probably, but if he falls into a hot tub, he'd be Stu.
            CCT '77 & '78
            4 kids
            5 grandsons (BCA 7/09, CJA 5/14, JDL 8/14, JFL 6/16, PJL 7/18)
            1 granddaughter (EML 4/18)

            ”Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both.”
            - Benjamin Franklin

            Banned from the St. Lawrence University Facebook page - March 2016 (But I got better).

            I want to live forever. So far, so good.

            Comment


            • Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

              When Christopher takes a walk in a snow-covered forest, would you say he's Walken in a winter wonderland?
              Facebook: bcowles920 Instagram: missthundercat01
              "One word frees us from the weight and pain of this life. That word is love."- Socrates
              Patreon for exclusive writing content
              Adventures With Amber Marie

              Comment


              • Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

                Sasha (Royal) Payne-Diaz

                Thank you, Car Talk guys

                Comment


                • Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

                  So this guy recently moved and needs to find a new dentist. He asks around and gets recommendations, gets an appointment with a recommended one. Since the move it's been over a year since he has seen a dentist.

                  The dentist does the exam and asks the guy about the plate he has in his mouth and the guy explains it was from an accident he was in several years ago. the dentist tells him everything looks good except the plate is corroded. The guys says he has never had that trouble before. Dentist asks if there has been any change to his health or diet in the past year. "Well, my wife made me eggs Benedict about a year ago and I really liked it, especially the holandaise sauce so she started making holandaise sauce and putting it on many of our dishes." Dentist says, "well holandaise has lemon in it so it could be acid and that could be causing the corrosion. We'll have to replace the plate and use chrome."

                  "Chrome, why chrome?"

                  "Everyone knows there is no plate like chrome for the holandaise."


                  'Tiss the season!

                  Comment


                  • Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

                    Chinese food diet? Sure! says Dr. Lo Fat.
                    CCT '77 & '78
                    4 kids
                    5 grandsons (BCA 7/09, CJA 5/14, JDL 8/14, JFL 6/16, PJL 7/18)
                    1 granddaughter (EML 4/18)

                    ”Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both.”
                    - Benjamin Franklin

                    Banned from the St. Lawrence University Facebook page - March 2016 (But I got better).

                    I want to live forever. So far, so good.

                    Comment


                    • Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

                      Originally posted by FreshFish View Post
                      Okay, so what follows isn't quite a pun, but it's close.


                      An elderly couple is in the doctor's office. Like many elderly couples back in that nostalgic time when you could keep your doctor if you liked him or her, after one was examined, the doctor spoke to both of them together.

                      He (or she..) asked them how they were getting along. S/he then mentioned that, as many people aged, they would notice that, from time to time, their short-term memory would become occasionally unreliable, which might lead to friction between them. S/he suggested that they write things down to reduce the chances of conflict over who had promised to do what by when. They both agreed it sounded like a sensible idea.

                      Later that afternoon, they are watching television together. The husband gets up to go to the kitchen.

                      "I'm going to make an ice cream sundae. Can I get you one too?"

                      -- Sure, she replies. I'd like vanilla ice cream....say, shouldn't you write this down, like the doctor recommended?

                      "I'll remember. Vanilla ice cream, check!"

                      -- okay, and whipped cream...are you sure you don't want to write this down?

                      "I'll remember. Vanilla ice cream with whipped cream, check!"

                      -- and chocolate sprinkles and a maraschino cherry on top! -- are you SURE you don't want to write this down?

                      "Vanilla ice cream, whipped cream, chocolate sprinkles, and a maraschino cherry. Got it!"

                      and off he goes into the kitchen.

                      Several minutes later, he comes back carrying a tray with two plates. Each plate has scrambled eggs, sausage, and hash browns, and there are two mugs of coffee too.

                      The wife is annoyed: "I told you that you should write it down! you forgot the toast!"
                      No, not even close to being a pun. But that's okay, funny will do.

                      Comment


                      • Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

                        Originally posted by MountieBoyOz View Post
                        Did this one at some Leafs fans.

                        There was no Reimer reason they should've lost to the Bruins.
                        Nice. Need a whole new category...hockey puns!

                        Comment


                        • Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

                          Originally posted by hab View Post
                          Nice. Need a whole new category...hockey puns!
                          I just discovered this thread and love it, but propose bonus points for hockey puns. As a Habs fan, I'll find them Priceless.

                          Comment


                          • Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

                            The NSA leaker couldn't fly out of JFK Airport, he was Snowden!
                            Uncle Mickey: July 23, 1950-July 22, 2003

                            WRPI, 91.5 FM...usually color commentary.

                            Comment


                            • Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

                              True story.

                              I once rode a cross-country bus to San Francisco. When I got off and walked outside, the neighborhood at that time was pretty seedy. Across the street was a pharmacy with the name Terminal Drugs.
                              "Hope is a good thing; maybe the best of things."

                              "Beer is a sign that God loves us and wants us to be happy." -- Benjamin Franklin

                              "Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy." -- W. B. Yeats

                              "People generally are most impatient with those flaws in others about which they are most ashamed of in themselves." - folk wisdom

                              Comment


                              • Re: Really Terrible Puns Vol 1

                                Originally posted by goldy_331 View Post
                                So this guy recently moved and needs to find a new dentist. He asks around and gets recommendations, gets an appointment with a recommended one. Since the move it's been over a year since he has seen a dentist.

                                The dentist does the exam and asks the guy about the plate he has in his mouth and the guy explains it was from an accident he was in several years ago. the dentist tells him everything looks good except the plate is corroded. The guys says he has never had that trouble before. Dentist asks if there has been any change to his health or diet in the past year. "Well, my wife made me eggs Benedict about a year ago and I really liked it, especially the holandaise sauce so she started making holandaise sauce and putting it on many of our dishes." Dentist says, "well holandaise has lemon in it so it could be acid and that could be causing the corrosion. We'll have to replace the plate and use chrome."

                                "Chrome, why chrome?"

                                "Everyone knows there is no plate like chrome for the holandaise."


                                'Tiss the season!
                                truly a terrible pun
                                Originally posted by mtu_huskies
                                "We are not too far away from a national championship," said (John) Scott.
                                Boosh Factor 4

                                Originally posted by Brent Hoven
                                Yeah, but you're my favorite hag.

                                Comment

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