Bottom Feeders 23-24: There's the Basement, and Then There's These Guys.

[MissThundercat]

Good morning.

I know it's a month away, but it looks like Dartmouth and the Not Fun Miami are 1/2 in the Too Early Bottom Feeder Rankings.

And if someone would please be a dear, please come over the Commish's pet, Shanklin the Stab Possum.

[John J. MacInnes]

Bids for the NoWinS will be coming soon. This year's midseason embarrassment will be hosted by the Williams Center Forum, an abandoned shopping mall in Tulsa, OK with an equally dilapidated rink in the middle.

[MissThundercat]

Bids for the NoWinS will be coming soon. This year's midseason embarrassment will be hosted by the Williams Center Forum, an abandoned shopping mall in Tulsa, OK with an equally dilapidated rink in the middle.

I will be pulling the 4 losers soon.

[John J. MacInnes]

Hearing no response from Miss Thundercat and seeing that the dates have arrived for the NoWinS, I will endeavor to make one final inquiry to determine the field.

[Snively65]

Hearing no response from Miss Thundercat and seeing that the dates have arrived for the NoWinS, I will endeavor to make one final inquiry to determine the field.

Please remind us; who were the four teams at NoWin$ last year?

[John J. MacInnes]

Please remind us; who were the four teams at NoWin$ last year?

Last year's field was as follows:

1. Wisconsin
2. Bentley
3. New Hampshire
4. LSSU

Quite a change in fortune for at least one of those teams. UNH was the 'winner' over Wisconsin in the final in 2022.

[MissThundercat]

Your 4 teams for this year's tournament:

Army
Northeastern
Ohio State
Ferris State

All teams are to take 30 year old city buses to the NoWinS site.

[Snively65]

Last year's field was as follows:

1. Wisconsin
2. Bentley
3. New Hampshire
4. LSSU

Quite a change in fortune for at least one of those teams. UNH was the 'winner' over Wisconsin in the final in 2022.

Thanks. That is what I thought, with my two favorite teams both there. Fortunately, both Bentley and UNH are doing much better so far this season. And, of course, so is Wisco!

[Snively65]

Your 4 teams for this year's tournament:

Army
Northeastern
Ohio State
Ferris State

All teams are to take 30 year old city buses to the NoWinS site.

Good luck for the Huskies finding 30-year-old city buses in Boston. :-)

[John J. MacInnes]

Four buses that made the Charlestown Chiefs ride look brand new have pulled up at the abandoned mall in Tulsa. They were greeted by cockroaches and silverfish in all locker rooms, along with Shanklin the Stab Possum representing the Commish.

Shanklin has decreed that Ohio State will play Army, and Northeastern will play Ferris. Reports to follow.

[John J. MacInnes]

The following report was found scrawled on the back of an airsick bag from a Frontier flight out of Tulsa.

The abandoned mall had two drifters squatting in the dilapidated JC Penney wing, so Shanklin informed them that they would be the referees for the NoWinS. The old ice plant was filled with Prestone antifreeze and fired up, creating an uneven ice surface that was only ?” at its thickest.

Game One - Ohio State vs Army

Ohio State’s Scooter Brickey developed a nasty rash that was determined to be from a silverfish sting, and spent the first two periods trying to rub it on any Army player who came within an arm’s length. While chasing a Black Knight near the blue line, he left his goalie unprotected and Army took advantage with the opening goal late in the second period. It was then discovered that the Buckeyes did not have an actual goalie, just a jersey stuffed with straw and hay.

The Black Knights had contacted Mcalester Army Ammunition Base and had a shipment of ordnance delivered, and proceeded to mine their end of the ice with it during the second intermission. Ohio State complained to the drifter referee who took a swig of Old Rotgut ’97 and shrugged his shoulders. Two Buckeye shots made it halfway from center to the net, but those pucks were picked off by snipers who had taken up positions in an old B Dalton Bookseller store.

Ohio State ‘advances’ with a 1-0 loss. Game two to follow.

[Snively65]

The following report was found scrawled on the back of an airsick bag from a Frontier flight out of Tulsa.

The abandoned mall had two drifters squatting in the dilapidated JC Penney wing, so Shanklin informed them that they would be the referees for the NoWinS. The old ice plant was filled with Prestone antifreeze and fired up, creating an uneven ice surface that was only ?” at its thickest.

Game One - Ohio State vs Army

Ohio State’s Scooter Brickey developed a nasty rash that was determined to be from a silverfish sting, and spent the first two periods trying to rub it on any Army player who came within an arm’s length. While chasing a Black Knight near the blue line, he left his goalie unprotected and Army took advantage with the opening goal late in the second period. It was then discovered that the Buckeyes did not have an actual goalie, just a jersey stuffed with straw and hay.

The Black Knights had contacted Mcalester Army Ammunition Base and had a shipment of ordnance delivered, and proceeded to mine their end of the ice with it during the second intermission. Ohio State complained to the drifter referee who took a swig of Old Rotgut ’97 and shrugged his shoulders. Two Buckeye shots made it halfway from center to the net, but those pucks were picked off by snipers who had taken up positions in an old B Dalton Bookseller store.

Ohio State ‘advances’ with a 1-0 loss. Game two to follow.

I am pleased by this result, after two of the UNH Wildcats’ up and coming skaters transferred to Ohio State via the portal during the off-season. Just deserves for them.

[Ralph Baer]

Two year in a row with no ECAC teams? I guess it is hard to figure out who is the worst with so few good teams.

[John J. MacInnes]

The following report was found scribbled on a taxi receipt outside of Fayetteville addressed in care of Miss Thundercat.

Game Two - Ferris State vs Northeastern

Ferris had a cowboy driver for their ramshackle bus, and assistant coach Drew Famulak convinced him to smash the rig right through the wall of the Williams Center Forum. He not only did that, he drove right onto the playing surface and literally parked the bus. The problem for the Bulldogs was that he did it in their offensive end, so Northeastern could push everyone forward with impunity. The Huskies peppered Logan Stein and squeezed three past him, but then Ferris returned the favor in the second period.

In the second intermission, Antonio Venuto snuck back onto the bus and hid there. While waiting for the action to resume, he taped four sticks together and popped a window open. The Bulldogs then changed on the fly but left one player unreplaced. With Northeastern unaware, Ferris dumped the puck behind the bus and Venuto fished it out and put it in the net. Jerry Keefe screamed bloody murder that it was too many men, but he was clearly outfoxed by Bob Daniels with the line change. Meantime, the drifter referee failed to notice that the bus was parked offside but didn’t call it.

Northeastern ‘advances’ with a 4-3 loss.

[John J. MacInnes]

The following report was relayed by the only working pay phone in the state of Oklahoma, located just outside the Tulsa Greyhound station.

Championship Game - Ohio State vs Northeastern

Ohio State attempted to recruit another drifter to play goalie, continuing their indecision of the season at the position. The drifter ended up being former French Canadian cab driver Francois Dupuy, made famous by the old Nike commercials as being driven out of the game by famous NHL players. He spent the whole game wildly gesticulating and threatening a poster of Mats Sundin in the window of a former Foot Locker store.

Northeastern countered with a poster of Devon Levi in goal, which Dupuy threw a skate at screaming “Die Maple Leaf!” in a blind rage. The rest of the Huskies were so incredulous that they neglected to stop an all-out attack by the other five Buckeyes on the ice. OSU scored but the drifter referee proved he actually knew something about hockey by disallowing the goal for Dupuy crossing the center line as a goaltender. No score after 1.

In the second period, Dupuy noticed the “good play” stickers on the Ohio State helmets and mistook them for maple leaves. He immediately began attacking his own players, and when Steve Rohlik tried to pull him from the game the goalie blew his stack. Cursing and yelling “meatface” in French, it took 11 Buckeyes to throw him into the luggage compartment of their bus. While that was being accomplished, Northeastern slammed two pucks into the undefended goal.

The third period had barely begun when the overworked ice plant gave up the ghost. A large explosion rocked the mechanical room of the abandoned mall, and acrid smoke filled the building. Both teams commenced a surface wide brawl that made the punch-up in Piestany look like a church picnic. With sticks and pads careening around the mall, the drifter referee pointed to his vintage Swatch watch and swigged the last of his Old Rotgut. Shanklin the Stab Possum then produced a note from Miss Thundercat that explained time was being kept by how long it took for that bottle to be finished.

Ohio State was proclaimed as the 2-0 loser and Rohlik was presented with the splintered toilet seat trophy as the NoWinS champion.